The Malcolm in Afghanistan results have been calculated by the GrodsComputer.
In third place is Mikey.
“The sunnies I left at home are diamond crusted, and woven around the hinges is a lock of hair from none other than Ghandi – and he was bald so you can imagine just how hard that was to obtain … for an ordinary person.”
Mikey wins Malcolms empty yoghurt container, autographed.
In second place is Megan.
“Oh, I see. I had always assumed that ’soggy-SAO’ thing was apocryphal. Ah, yes. Very amusing. Well done…”
Megan wins a cardboard cutout of Julie Bishop. Or Julie Bishop herself if the cardboard cutout is busy in Parliament.
And the winner is Speckled Jim.
There was no joke; just some uncomfortable chuckling to cover up Turnbull’s faux pas in ordering an unwooded chardonnay with his instant mash and bully beef.
Speckled Jim wins a year’s supply of New Vegemite, applied to his toast each morning by John Surname wearing nothing but Malcolm’s bulletproof vest and his nevernude shorts. Congratulations!
Just say you’re a political leader whose career is in serious (some say terminal) trouble after a self-inflicted couple of horror weeks in domestic politics, reflected by three simultaneously disastrous opinion polls. The winter break arrives to give you some welcome relief from the onslaught, a chance to lick your wounds, and the opportunity to regroup. So what do you do to try and reverse your fortunes? Work hard at developing policies? Grassroots campaigning?
Of course not. You visit the troops in Afghanistan for some nice pictures that aren’t at all a cynical attempt to boost your standing in the electorate by co-opting everything the soldiers stand for.
Here’s Malcolm arriving in Afghanistan wearing the sort of gear he needed last week in the House of Reps.
“Welcome to Afghanistan, Mr Turnbull. Mr Rudd’s office emailed to say you’re a dickhead.”
Of course, what’s a trip to the battlefield without a stirring speech to the troops, including a stunned Julie Bishop posing stupidly in the background and a random soldier staring at your arse?
“He must work out.”
And this photo was captioned by Malcolm’s press people as: “The Opposition Leader, The Hon Malcom Turnbull MP, shares a joke with Australian Defence Force personnel during his visit to bases in the Middle East and Afghanistan.” Your job is to caption the photograph with the joke being shared.
Have at it!
Prince Harry’s teenage years have been torrid, to say the least. When not flopping at his studies, binge-drinking or smoking grass he has wiled away his youth groping the odd breast, belting the odd photographer and dressing up as the odd Nazi. The media pounced on this like vultures and Harry’s PR stock soon was lower than a mole’s scrotum. Not even a few weeks helping AIDS sufferers in Lesotho could regain his public image. But there’s one thing – one single, solitary thing – that can restore your credibility in a flash:
THE MILITARY!
Yes the military, where anyone who pulls on fatigues, flak jackets and eats crappy tinned food in a desert is saving the world. Where lost souls can be redeemed and the most poo-stained public image can emerge smelling sweeter than lavender. Where boys become men, zeros become heros and even a lapsed commie could become masturbation fodder for the likes of MK. Where all sins are absolved and all character flaws obscured by four simple words: He’s defending our freedom.
It’s sure worked for Lieutenant Wales. Just one edition of The Sun smothered him in a tonne of adulatory newsprint, containing eight separate stories:
Hero Harry’s home!
Prince Charles is a proud Dad
Harry the bullet magnet
Queen speaks out on Harry
Troops sing ‘Nice one Harry’
British Muslims hail Harry stint
Harry’s fun on a dumped bike
Pop star [James] Blunt sings Harry’s praises (???)
Just the one article about a British serviceman who was actually killed in Iraq, but that’s another story. For Harry it’s ‘mission accomplished’ as he returns to the UK with a blank slate after his drawn-out 10-week stint. If you were cynical – or well-versed in public relations and ’spin’ – you may think the whole thing was carefully engineered. But not me, I’m right behind Prince Charles’ second son (if he is) all the way.
WE LOVE YOU, HERO HARRY!
