I was whiling away the hours on Twitter this afternoon when a strange message popped up:

Wait…what? Thankfully @AndrewBolt stepped in to inform the masses of this troubling news, which was no doubt the fault of Al Gore.

With serious Twitter muscle behind him, the story exploded. All people could talk about was #tunnelcow. An unremarkable story about a cow in a metropolitan tunnel became one of the highest trending topics on Twitter.

But where was the MSM? On the most important story of the day they’d gone AWOL. @AndrewBolt demanded answers:

#tunnelcow was trending through the roof, but the MSM was strangely silent. Even @774melbourne stopped mentioning #tunnelcow.

Other worrying signs of Leftist supression began to pop up, beginning with a tweet from true comprade @thewetmale:

What could the reason for the stony wall of Leftist silence? Sure enough, @AndrewBolt received an alarming tip-off.

Meanwhile, the first pictures of #tunnelcow were appearing:

Indisputable evidence of a bovine shennanigans in the tunnel if there ever were any.

And for no reason here’s a tweet from @andyblume:

Finally, @AndrewBolt used all his charisma on the cause of freedom of information.

As I type, #tunnelcow chatter continues on Twitter, and the ABC finally tried to file #tunnelcow away as a frivilous story on a frivilous blog. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

#tunnelcow’s whereabouts remain unknown. Final words to @carousella:

Last week I poked fun at Malcolm Turnbull’s seemingly-lame attempts to reverse his terribad polling figures by visiting Afghanistan and launching a debt trailer truck. This morning Mr Turnbull’s efforts were revealed to have been effective, leaving me with very serious egg on my face.

Satisfaction with the Leader of the Opposition lifted in the past two weeks after he spent a week overseas visiting Australian troops and a week in Perth attacking the Rudd government’s debt and budget deficit.

[...]

Last weekend, satisfaction with Mr Turnbull rose from 25per cent to 31 per cent, and dissatisfaction fell from 58 per cent to 55 per cent.

I apologise unreservedly to Malcolm Turnbull for ridiculing his campaigning methods.

In unrelated news, Andrew Bolt says that drawing conclusions from “changes that fall even within the margin of error” is “a waste of time and credibility”. What did The Australian ever do to Andrew to deserve such a scathing attack?

How many of you knew that Andrew Bolt made an appearance in a shitty comedy pilot late last year?

Andrew’s complete lack of comedy nous makes me long for the days of jokes about terminally ill kids. I never thought I’d say this, but I hope he stays in “social commentary” because he has no talent here. To think everyone has been beating up on the Chaser when they could have been beating up on this shit.

What happens when you really, really, badly want a graph to show something and you blow your load too early?

What is it with The Right and “what is it with The Left and…”?

Discuss.

Update: Darryl Mason gives us a small smattering of examples from Bolt’s blog:

What is it with the Left and violence?

What is it with the Left and vomitously vindictive snobbery?

What is it with the left and not being normal????

What is it with the left and censorship?

What is it with the Left and their purely derivative style?

What is it with the Left and Jew-hating, full stop?

What is it with the left and sticking their noses in other peoples lives?

What is it with the left and a complete failure to be witty?

What is it with the left and zero comprehension skills?

What is it with the left and denying undeniable fact?

What is it with the left and excuses?

What is it with the Left and crazies?

What indeed?

Peter Costello blows his own trumpet, effectively declaring his intention to seek leadership.

(Actually, Peter has people to blow his trumpets for him.) “Blow, my pretties! Blow!”

Andrew Bolt breaks his pants.

News flash: Peter Costello is staying on in Higgins. This confirms his intention to become Liberal leader.

Malcolm Turnbull broods, knowing that his chances of ever becoming Prime Minister just dropped through the floor.

“It isn’t fair! I deserve it!”

Scandal!

I bet all you idiots out there think that Malcolm Turnbull is the leader of the Parliamentary Liberal Party. Fools. You’re all dead wrong because the real leader is Andrew Bolt.

Even though Andrew rarely ventures outside his HWT building office in Melbourne, and appears to be a hopelessly biased polemicist journalist rather than a politican, he is in constant communication with his subordinates in the House and the Senate, dispensing advice and orders as required. Bolt talks to them.

I have warned senior Liberals for some time that Rudd would probably delay his ludicrous scheme until after the election…

And they talk to him.

Bishop is just one of three Liberals – two of them former frontbenchers – who have contacted me over the past 12 hours to say the public no longer knows what the party under Turnbull stands for.

Thing is, can you imagine the foaming-at-the-mouth outrage if another columnist so blatantly flagged their political bias towards the ALP? You’d be able to hear the shrieking from Darwin.

First Joe Hockey was missing, then he was sighted, then he was lost again. With thanks to Twitter’s @andrewbolt, Joe Hockey has been found again.

Finally got around to watching last weekend’s Insiders (I want to have ABC iView’s babies) and was overcome with fits of laughter as Malcolm Farr ripped shit out of Andrew Bolt. However, I blinked away the tears long enough to see a clip of shadow treasurer Joe Hockey and can confirm that he is in fact alive, contrary to Jason’s report the other day. I also noted the most hideous tie/shirt combination known to mankind, along with the worst tie knot I’ve seen since grade eleven.

“I got the cab driver to do my tie for me because I was too busy looking up ‘economy’ in the dictionary”

Not content with denying global warming, Bolt’s brave commenters have blown the lid off another “green con” – ozone depletion.

Who could forget the insidious leftist plot to kill off the aerosol can industry? Luckily, we will always have brave science warriors to point us in the right direction.

So, GrodsReaders, which scientific battleground will The Right be fighting next? “Carbon is a leftist myth”? “Newton’s second law of motion is a leftist myth”? “Oxygen in the atmosphere is a leftist myth”?

Suggestions in comments.

A Bolt commenter contemplates a terrible alternative reality where he might have to think for himself:

What I want to know is when the largest news outlet in Australia stopped being part of the “main stream media”.

Meet the co-author of Andrew Bolt’s blog.

Andrew Bolt:

Why is it that whenever you hear of a politician being physically attacked by a protester, you immediately conclude: almost certainly of the Left, and probably a green?

KG (of Teh Right, and definitely not a “green”):

I’m an old man now and have never for a moment thought that the asssassination (sic) of a President would be a good thing for America. Now I’m not so sure… If this man serves… a full term America may not recover from the damage done to her. The traitorous filth – installed by the media and gullible fools looking for salvation via the half-bred fixer – are on course to destroy the Republic. If it takes a bullet to avert that, then so be it.

What is it with Teh Left Teh Right nutbags of any political persuasion and violence?

Flawless deductive reasoning as witnessed in the comments at Andrew Bolt’s blog*.

People are carbon lifeforms,
greens hate carbon,
greens hate people.
– cohenite of newcastle

With thanks to Craig who read this awesomeness and alerted me via an aborted Skype phone conversation that went just like this one.

* I accidentally typed “clog” instead of “blog” here. Freudian?