Slapfight III slapfighters revealed.

Be afraid. Very afraid.

Police have advised the public to point and laugh if they see these men.

Mis dedos! Mis dedos! Por el amor de Dios, ¿DÓNDE ESTÁN MIS DEDOS!!1!

Oh, está bien … aquí están. 

In 2007 we saw Slapfight I.

In 2008 we saw Slapfight II.

But in 2009 we’re still waiting for Slapfight III. Come on, Croatian and Serbian youths of Melbourne! Don’t let us down.

Tonight at Melbourne Park, Daryl Braithwaite — former frontman of 1970s rock band Sherbet — is performing in the Heineken Beer Garden as part of the Australian Open’s line-up of free entertainment.

If you are planning to attend this event, please note: do not, under any circumstances, carry this image in the back of your mind while Mr Braithwaite is on stage:

Enjoy the show.

I’m not a huge fan of tennis although I tend to tune into a few matches during the Australian Open every year. I watched the last few sets of the Roger Federer vs. Janko Tipsarevic match on Saturday night and found the Channel 7 commentary one of the most heinous assaults on my ears that I’ve ever experienced. Put it this way: it was even worse than the Channel 9 cricket commentary. Big call. I know that the commentator monkeys have strict instructions from their network and producers to talk up drama, tension and excitement but this was ridiculous. I’ve never heard in my life more overblown auditory masturbation or metaphors that were as mixed and mangled.

But then I tuned into the Casey Dellacqua vs. Jelena Jankovic match last night to check out this Australian fairytale that commercial television and tabloid newspapers like the Hun and The Age were crapping on about. Before the match the autocue monkeys and commentators were gushing and dribbling about Our Casey and her fairytale run through the Open before throwing to ex-player Todd Woodbridge who met the players as they were walking onto the court. He asked them a few harmless questions each like “How was your preparation?” and “Do you feel ready?” But his final statement to Our Casey was along the lines of “Thanks, Casey. Go out there and have fun.” His salutation to Jankovic was something like “Good luck. Get out there and enjoy it.”

What a patronising little prick.

Tennis is one of the few sports that women manage to attract almost equal recognition and respect for their efforts that men enjoy, yet idiots like Todd Woodbridge continue to say things like that. Firstly, Dellacqua and Jankovic are not going out onto the court to have fun; they’re going out there to win. And even if they were going out there to have fun they don’t need Woodbridge’s bloody permission to do it. I bet Ant Rogenous’ bank account that Todd Woodbridge would never tell Roger Feder to “go out there and have fun.” Because, you see, the men are warriors and the chicks are hit-and-gigglers.

Slapfight I: remembered fondly

Exactly one year ago Melbourne witnessed Slapfight I at the Australian Open. This year at Slapfight II: The Sequel the slapfighters have turned it up a little and employed the feared ‘kicking’ and ‘flagpole weapon’ techniques.

Crowd trouble marred the Australian Open again – exactly one year after Croatian and Serbian fans kicked each other and used flag poles as weapons outside Melbourne Park in an ugly start to the 2007 tournament.

Police needed pepper spray to control rowdy fans watching the match between Chile’s 2007 Open runner-up Fernando Gonzales and Greek player Konstantinos Economidis in Margaret Court Arena.

About two dozen Greek, Cypriot and Serbian fans were involved, according to an AFP photographer at the scene, with early reports of police ejecting four spectators.

Next year at Slapfight III there might even be punching; head butts at Slapfight IV the year after.

Melbourne has become the laughing stock of the world after the best racial brawl it could manage at a major sporting event was nothing more that a girly-man slapfight. In response to criticism about their lack of manliness the Croatian and Serbian populations of Melbourne have promised the “water pistol fight to end all water pistol fights” in the coming days to restore Melbourne’s international reputation as a town of real fighters.