Mr Turnbull’s personal position is now the same, or worse, than Brendan Nelson’s when he was replaced as Liberal leader late last year …
– (source)

Imagine being Malcolm Turnbull logging into the prestigious and respected NineMSN news website over your Sunday morning Nescafe, only to find this poll on the front page:

Then imagine being Malcolm Turnbull clicking on the associated link, only to find this story from the archives:

Imagine being Malcolm Turnbull and feeling as invisible as you would.

(Thanks to reader Phyllis Stein.)

Hang onto your helmets, GrodsReaders. First there was Brendan Nelson: the man, and now there’s Malcolm Turnbull: the man.

Seven minutes of over-scripted and focus group-targeted cheese with not a single worthwhile insight into why the Australian people should trust Turnbull to lead the nation. The video starts with Malcy asking himself a question on your behalf.

“So, why politics? What’s a nice guy like me doing in politics, you might ask…”

If you really care about the answer (*snigger*) you can watch the video…

…or you can just read GrodsCorp’s summary:

Malcy and his Dad
Malcy lived with his Dad who was a battler. He and his Dad, who was a battler, were like brothers. Malcy’s Dad, the battler, loved Malcy very much and was very loyal and was a battler. Malcy’s Dad was a resilient and enterprising because he was a battler. Malcy’s Dad battled for a long time, and even though he kicked a few goals towards the end of his life he was still a battler.

Malcy and Lucy
Malcy tried to get into Lucy’s pants by sending flowers but — lame anecdote alert — the flowers arrived after Lucy had left work and Lucy’s dad thought they were for him! The larfs! Malcy then tries to marry Lucy in an Anglican church (neither of them are Anglican) and — lame anecdote alert — he convinces the priest to do it by suggesting that he and Lucy will fornicate out of wedlock if not married! The larfs!

Malcy’s family
Malcy just wants his kids to be resilient and have a strong work ethic, just like Malcy’s Dad (the battler).

Malcy’s businesses
Malcy is rooly benevolent and has taken a lot of risks just to create jobs.

Malcy’s mission
Debt. Jobs. Debt. Labor Debt. Tax. Values. Debt. Blah, blah, blah.

Given how well Nelson’s leadership went after the release of his personal manifesto, one is forced to wonder where Turnbull is headed after this disaster of a PR effort.

Goodbye, Brendan Nelson. Long may we remember thee.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Keri and Craig discuss:

* Turnbull pegs Nelson for the Liberal leadership — full GrodsCoverage
* Is the ALP pegging itself at the state level?
* TardWatch

[display_podcast]

Subscribe:   

Anywhere there’s a guy called Brendan and today he lost his job, you may have heard about him. Now Brendan needs to work out what to do next. He’s got some options: he could sit on these things called ‘backbenches’ for the next couple of years but that ain’t so cool (Brendan is a doctor, after all). Brendan could write his memoirs, like his friend Pete, however the market for books of 60 pages or less isn’t that hot. Or, Brendan could leave and, like, do something uber-cool…

Movie star? He’s got the karizma and his ear is already pierced.

Bag-boy? He loves pensioners – and he knows the diff between meat and cleaning products.

Dog handler? He’s got some experience, having shared a party room with Bronwyn Bishop.

\

Guitar teacher? If he learns a fourth chord he can play Nickelback’s entire back catalogue.

AFL goal umpire? He’s already used to having 90+ percent of ‘fans’ despise him.

Queensland bloger (sic)? No… please, no.

Help poor Brendan out with some much needed career advice – where should he point his stellar talents now?

Just an hour ago there was a prominent link on the front page of the Liberal Party website to a lame PDF file on Brendan Nelson: the man.

Less than half an hour after Nelson lost the leadership to Malcolm Turnbull the link is gone.

I can’t wait for the lame Malcolm Turnbull PDF.

How long will it take the ALP to activate its dormant turnbullfacts.com smear site?

And make sure you check out the now-historical nelsonfacts.com site before it’s archived.

The clown is dead! Long live the clown!

Thanks for all the memories, Bren-doc. It sure was a blast.

Vote ‘1′ Dr Brendan (I’m a doctor) Nelson

1) His forehead is unnaturally large.

2) He tries really hard to defend conservative values but fails miserably.

3) He gets selective amnesia after horse trading conversations with Steve Fielding.

4) He blames latte-sipping teachers for making kids reluctant to join the army.

5) He performed a spectacular backflip with triple pike over the indigenous apology.

6) He is an embarrassing, try-hard guitar tragic.

7) He is terribly hypocritical by attacking Kevin Rudd for missing question time during the same week that Alexander Downer skipped QT for a long lunch.

8) He is less popular than herpes.

9) He introduced the unique concept of the pub test to Australian politics.

10) He makes rooly, rooly interesting home moofies.

11) His listening tour of Australia was more entertaining than every episode of Flight Of The Conchords run back-to-back.

12) He is a man of the people.

13) You watch.

14) He has a plan.

15) He doesn’t have to, so he doesn’t need to.

16) He’s just an ordinary man.

17) He is in possession of specialised equipment.

18) He has implemented the Cate Blanchett test.

19) He tackles the big issues.

20) He has perfected the Solar Panel Defence and the Hockey Distraction.

21) He gets straight to the point.

22) He makes The 7.30 Report look like slaughter time at the Colosseum.

23) He develops policy on whiteboards.

24) He has Vietnam war flashbacks.

25) He is a trucker.

Trust me to be at another humiliating GroupThinkFC defeat* (3-8; congratulations to champion GTFC vs. Weezers tipster, Keri) while the exciting news of a Liberal Party leadership spill floods the airways. If Nelson does get pegged tomorrow then brokenleftleg will be our champion Nelson’s demise tipster. However, I’m hoping like all hell for one of three outcomes:

a) Turnbull is thoroughly rebuked by the party and suffers terminal ego cancer, and GrodsCorp continues to have Nelson as blog fodder for the foreseeable future;
b) Costello is voted in by a reasonable majority but refuses to accept leadership unless he receives 100% support; or
c) Wilson Tuckey gets up.

Whatever happens it’s going to be an interesting day. Bring it on!

UPDATE: The Age has confirmed that Julie Bishop, Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey are all out of the running for leader.

Joe Hockey, Tony Abbott and deputy Liberal leader Julie Bishop have all been pegged as potential leadership aspirants.

* I didn’t even get the chance to grab an opposition player’s balls because I was in too much pain after my balls got slammed by an opposition player’s hip.

I was surprised to find this whilst browsing the shelves at my local bookshop this afternoon:

If SBS ever make a biopic about the failed political career of Dr. Brendan Nelson, it would be called Terms Of Contradiction and it would be directed by the guy who directed Lift Off. I’m sure he needs the work.

Pensioners need an increase to the pension. Of this, there is no doubt. Brendan Nelson is calling for an extra $30 a week. Again, that would be a good start.

But did you know there are one million pensioners? That’s an extra $30 million a week, or a projected $1.3 billion a year. Suddenly, it’s not looking so easy. Where is that money supposed to come from?

Then Nelson (with the help of his party, and other undistinguished amateurs) had to go and oppose the luxury car tax, thereby stopping money from coming in that could have gone to the pensioners in need.

I see Brendan Nelson is a beginner to this whole socialism thing.

You see:

1. Taxes fund services.

2. Less tax = less services.
I’ve noted before the contradiction of the Liberals over pensioners, which is similar to that of farmers. Socialism is bad and wrong except when it comes to those two groups.

Brendan, I know you were a member of the Labor party for years but maybe it’s time to remember what party you’re on. I mean, if those old folk didn’t save enough superannuation, let them rot.

We all know that Brendan Nelson likes to formulate policy on whiteboards minutes before releasing it publicly, but how does he do it when there’s no whiteboard available?

QUESTION: …how do you frame policy like this? I mean you take a while to come up with a pension policy, so how do you frame a policy? Do you take an amount of money and divide it by the number of people who benefit and you come up with a figure? Or how do you do that?

DR NELSON: Well terms of looking at it – by the way, you don’t need to have a committee to do this – there are pensioner organisations and… there’s plane (sic) common sense to be applied and I think what you’ve got to do is look at the cost of living pressures that pensioners face. You look at what you think is reasonable for people to try to survive on a pension, and then I think you need to look at obviously the finances of the country and what it can afford reasonably to do so, and then a decision has to be made.

Got that? No? Well, don’t worry — Bren-doc just steals Greens Party policy anyway.

There’s been some dodgy shit going on with the Liberals’ transcripts of Dr Bren-doc (I’m a doctor) Nelson’s doorstop interviews for some time, but finally the Libs seems to have learned not to put the most excruciatingly embarrassing doorstop fuckups of Nelson’s on the net. As at 9pm tonight there’s no sign of today’s infamous doorstop on the Libs website.