When I called my new ISP this morning to check on the progress of my intertubes connection the man said, “Ergh, ummm, ergh, probably the seventh.”

And here’s what the ISP’s connection status page said about my intertubes connection at 1:45pm this afternoon.

They’re making this up as they go along.

UPDATE (3:50pm): The website was telling the truth. I’m online!!1!

Last night it was a bit dark in the house so I decided to turn on a light. The switch looked like this.

So I reached out and did this…

…and the switch looked like this.

The whole process (decision to turn light on > stand up > walk across room > flick switch) took less than ten seconds. It wasn’t very hard at all and it didn’t cost me any money.

Last week I decided to have a different company pipe the intertubes into my house so I got on the phone and ordered it. Deep inside the bowels of a Brunswick red brick building that houses a telephone exchange is a switch that currently looks like this.

Apparently it takes five to seven working day for a technician to get off his or her arse and do this…

…so that the switch looks like this.

Plus it costs $75. First world telecommunications, my arse.

(Mind you, it’s kind of cool blogging from a cafe with free wi-fi, loud, funky music and lattes on call.)

The other day I was having a conversation about one of those moral panic issues — you know, things like binge drinking, drugs, emos etc. Anyway, I listened to the other person panicking for a while, nodding patiently, before I said (very tongue in cheek) “I blame the internet.” Only problem is that the other person didn’t think it was a joke and agreed entirely. You see, for many people civilisation as we know it began to crumble the moment pr0n started being transfered digitally over phone lines instead of on glossy paper in newsagents.

When my students are doing research assignments and I ask for their sources at least half of them write down “Google” or “the internet”, causing me to go off on yet another angry rant about how Google and the tubes are tools to locate resources rather than resources in their own right. But I guess when supposedly intelligent adults can’t differentiate between tools, the content that tools communicate, or the intent and behaviour of the tools’ users, then why should I expect kids to tell the difference?

A classic example today from the allegedly intelligent adults responsible for running our country.

THE Rudd Government has admitted its high-speed broadband network could lead to an increase in cyber-bullying and other online crimes against children.

This shit moves me to tears of frustration. As Craig said to me in an SMS about this article this morning, “Maybe we should leave the tubes exactly the way they are? That will protect Teh Children.” On the one hand I know that the government wants to be seen to be tough on cyber-bullying and that necessitates a certain level of Today Tonight-style reactionary populism, but on the other hand it makes me despair when our government stoops to such anti-intellectual and anti-sense statements such as that one.

But then again, what choice does the government have when the media just adore whipping up the public into fits of moral panic about the internet and its emo-inducing ways? Every time there’s a case of bullying in schools that’s taken place (wholly or in part) on an internet website the popular media launches into its “the internet/ MySpace/ YouTube/ MSN/ mobile phones are evil” argument. But bullying has always been in schools, it will always (unfortunately) be in schools, and whether it takes place behind the bike sheds or on an internet chat room it’s the bullying that’s the problem and not the medium through which it occurs.

However, it’s important to note that the media, politicians and other organisations with influence don’t always run the tubes=evil line. Sometimes it’s just a total lack of understanding about what the internet is and what it does, resulting in a smack-your-head-it’s-so-stupid kind of reaction.

A couple of months ago when I was preparing to hold a school-based Australia 2020 summit to feed into the main summit I received a primer booklet from the government to help prepare kids for the topics being discussed. At the bottom of each section there was a list of resources to assist in lesson planning. Listed in each section were some books and government department websites, along with the words “blogs” and “wikis”. Not a list of specific blogs and wikis that had information relevent to the topic; just those two words because some clueless dipshit in the education ministry had some vague notion of Web2.0 and had heard that tha kidz like to use blogs.

In the lead up to last year’s election both major parties “embraced” so-called new media in an effort to connect with younger voters. As John Howard viciously discovered, simply using new media tools such as YouTube will not change consumers’ minds about the quality of your content. And setting up a Facebook profile as a tool for connecting with voters is useless unless you know how to use it and what to communicate through it.

Even religion — smarting from the way that younger generations are beginning to turn away in droves — is embarrassing itself by attempting to use technological tools to reconnect with tha kidz. The Catholic Church has well and truly entered the 1990s by discovering the power of mobile phone SMS. They have been sending text messages to worshippers in the false hope that using semi-literacy for Bible passages will bring them instant cred.

But I suppose the internet and the internet ignorant have one thing in common: they’re both tools.

Called my ISP’s techical support line this afternoon…

Technical Supporter: Welcome to iPrimus technical support. How can I help you today?

The Editor: Hi, I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, can I start by asking your username, Sir?

The Editor: (gives username)

Technical Supporter: And for security purposes can I ask for your full name and date of birth, Sir?

The Editor: (gives full name and date of birth)

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Mr The Editor. Now, how can I help you today?

The Editor: Um, I just told you.

Technical Supporter: Errrr, yes. Can you tell me again, Sir?

The Editor: Hmmmm. I’m having a bit of trouble with my broadband connection at the moment. It has been intermittently dropping out and reconnecting for a few hours now. I just wanted to know if there were any problems with the service that you were aware of at the moment? Otherwise I’ll know that the problem’s at my end.

Technical Supporter: Okay, what is the brand of your modem, Sir?

The Editor: I don’t think that really matters. I just want to know if there are any service…

Technical Supporter: Sir, please! I am trying to help you. Now if you can just tell me the brand of your modem.

The Editor: I don’t think… Oh, God, whatever. It’s a (brand of modem).

Technical Supporter: Thankyou, Sir. Now do you know that there needs to be a filter on the line between your phone and your…

The Editor: Listen! I just want to know if iPrimus is having any problems with their broadband service in my area at the moment.

Technical Supporter: Sir, I will ask you to not interrupt and calm down as I am just trying to help you. You must let me finish reading this. A filter on the line between your phone and your phone line socket.

The Editor: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

Technical Supporter: I will ask you to please not swear, Sir.

The Editor: …I just want to know if you are having problems with the broadband in my area! It’s a really simple question. If you can’t answer it then please put me onto somebody who can!

Technical Supporter: Hang on a moment, Sir.

The Editor: (hangs on)

Technical Supporter: There are no problems with the ADSL service in your area that I am aware of, Sir.

The Editor: No problems or none that you are aware of?

Technical Supporter: Excuse me, Sir?

The Editor: Is it possible that there are problems that you are not aware of? You know, you’re very busy reading that script to paying customers, and all.

Technical Supporter: Um, no problems, Sir.

The Editor: Thankyou.

Technical Supporter: Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

The Editor: I doubt it.

Technical Supporter: Thankyou for calling iPri…

The Editor: (hangs up)

Anybody else hear that professor from the Melbourne University business school on Radio National breakfast just before 7am this morning? He says he’s got home broadband at 10mbps and he can’t see why we’d ever need anything faster; consequently he reckons that Labor is proposing a huge waste of money with their new broadband roll out policy.

What a monkey.

I’m sure that there were people like him bemoaning the waste of money required to upgrade black and white televisions to colour in the 70s. He probably even opposed the introduction of the internets because teletext told you everything you need to know.