The Malcolm in Afghanistan results have been calculated by the GrodsComputer.

In third place is Mikey.

“The sunnies I left at home are diamond crusted, and woven around the hinges is a lock of hair from none other than Ghandi – and he was bald so you can imagine just how hard that was to obtain … for an ordinary person.”

Mikey wins Malcolms empty yoghurt container, autographed.

In second place is Megan.

“Oh, I see. I had always assumed that ’soggy-SAO’ thing was apocryphal. Ah, yes. Very amusing. Well done…”

Megan wins a cardboard cutout of Julie Bishop. Or Julie Bishop herself if the cardboard cutout is busy in Parliament.

And the winner is Speckled Jim.

There was no joke; just some uncomfortable chuckling to cover up Turnbull’s faux pas in ordering an unwooded chardonnay with his instant mash and bully beef.

Speckled Jim wins a year’s supply of New Vegemite, applied to his toast each morning by John Surname wearing nothing but Malcolm’s bulletproof vest and his nevernude shorts. Congratulations!

Dave From Albury was the victim, and the third-best caption was wroted by Captain Gravelguts:

An overwhelming seventy-five percent of voters chose Seventies Vegas Dave From Albury over the slimmer Fifties version for new postal stamp.

Captain Gravelguts wins a sample of Dave’s beard, presented in a zip-lock plastic bag.

The second-best caption was wroted by Bridgit Gread.

* Puts meditation CD on

“Now, deep breathing, relax, breathe in, breathe out.
Find your centre, focus your mind on it, onto your centre.
Now withdraw into the centre… slowly withdrawing… slowly…

Oh shite!”

Pffffrrrrlllllpppphhhhhhttt… pop!

Gread wins a sample of Dave’s beard and hair, presented in a zip-lock plastic bag.

But the winning caption was wroted by El Barbudo.

Dave from Hallbury

El Barbudo wins two nights in the honeymoon suite with Dave at Grevillea Gardens in Bright, with a complementary back rub from its proprietor.

GrodsCorp today presents you with two chances to win everlasting glory. Simply caption the photos below by COB Friday and I will award gold, silver and bronze medals for each picture to those GrodsReaders who pay me the most, second most, and third most money. Good luck!

PICTURE 1:

PICTURE 2:

We’re recording tonight’s GrodsThink podcast at Jeremy’s house, so this afternoon Craig sends an email to us all asking for Jeremy’s address. John Surname replied first with “21 Marx Lane” and the suburb in which Mr Sear resides. A couple of minutes later I get a Gmail chat message from Surname, quoting another Gmail chat message.

John: “Craig: Its not coming up on google earth or google maps” HAHA

Gold.

Oh, and speaking of gold, here’s a photo I took recently of Craig looking ridiculous.

Caption entries in comments.

An overwhelming response to our call for captions to accompany the self-published picture of blogger Dave From Albury. Very difficult to choose (honourable mentions to John Surname, Ross Sharp, Slipheed and rdb) but here are the official results.

In third place is Keri with this insightful entry.

Talking online can lead to stalking online.

Keri wins Dave’s autographed bathrobe.

In second place is Bridgit Gread with this disturbing thought.

Dave smirks, knowing that the folks at Grods have swallowed his fake pic, when he actually looks a lot different…

Bridgit wins Dave’s autographed computer chair, unwashed.

And our winner is albi with this very topical caption.

Deep in the Riverina, fingers are heard tapping – H.E.N.S.O.N P.H.O.T.O.S

Albi wins dinner with Dave at an Albury pizzeria (to the value of $20) plus a post-dinner nightcap at Dave’s house.

Well done, everyone!

Dave From Albury foolishly posts dodgy photo of self on intertubes. GrodsCorp takes advantage of moment of foolishness and launches caption competition. Entries close COB tomorrow.

Another fine effort, youse guys, and it’s been genuinely tough pickings. But here are the results.

In third place is Zombie Mao with the inevitable Fleshlight effort.

“… and you stick the glove in the folded towel like so…”

Zombie wins Brendan’s completed DIY Fleshlight, signed by the doctor himself.

In second place is Ross Sharp with this caption containing a probable element of truth.

Federal Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson appeals to his fellows for help in removing a fishbone from his throat as Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop prays that he dies like a dog in a ditch.

Ross wins the successfully removed fishbone, signed by the doctor himself.

And our winner is Spudgunner with this absolutely sterling chunk of solid gold.

“OOOH, I am the very model of a modern Liberal Minister
the fact I am a doctor makes it so very much more sinister,

I know the Queen of England, and I quote the Liberal fights historical
From Melbo-ouurne to Wooloomoo, in order categorical

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters very medical
I understand policking, both the facile and the flexible
About doctory stuff I’m teeming with a lot o’ news

With many cheerful facts about the spin put on the nightly news
With many hard spun facts about the breaking of the nightly news
With many cheerful facts regarding the damning of the nightly news
With many hand culled facts about the viewers of the nightly news…..news, NEWS!”

* Nelson then bows… *

Spudgunner wins the pair of boxers that Brendan Nelson had sticking out the top of his pants during the speech, signed by the doctor himself.

Well done, all!

You know the drill. Entries close midday Monday.

Thanks to all those who entered this contest. Here are the winners:

Third place goes to Albi for this pearler:

“What? you want me to kill them all?”

Second place goes to Bruce:

“Groupthinking… Groupthinking… Come in Mao… Come in Mao…”

First place goes to Ant for this caption, worthy of Comedy Inc:

“CateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCateCate…”

Congratulations!

Now it’s my turn for a caption comp.

Go on. Caption it.

Another great GrodsCaptionComp with the judging tough as usual. Let’s cross straight to the podium.

In third place is Albi with a filthy-yet-funny creation.

John Howard demonstrates his previous government’s dealings with big business – “Being fucked up the arse is fine, as long as they reciprocate with the reach around”, he told the excited opposition leader.

Albi wins a Fleshlight used and autographed by John Howard.

In second place is Ross Sharp with a frighteningly accurate depiction of the end of Howard’s career.

Current opposition leader Brendan Nelson and other Liberal Party faithfuls attempt to convince former Prime Minister John Howard to relinquish his spare set of keys to Kirribilli House.

Ross wins a replica key to Kirribilli and a replica Jeanette Howard.

But in first place is Dave from Albury with this pearler.

Nelson – “That’s so funny Warwick, make the dummy say ‘Fuck’ again.”
Parer – “That’s nothing, someone get me a glass of water”

Congratulations, Dave! You win the corpse of John Howard with which you can perfect your own ventriloquism skillz.

John Howard last night spoke to a gathering of Liberals in Brisbane, providing this awesome opportunity for a caption competition. Entries in comments; competition closes COB Wednesday.

Thanks also to those who entered the Costello and Finger GrodsCaptionComp. Some great laughs here at GrodsHQ.

In third place, jLo: “Check out my fresh new policy approach!”

In second place, Bridgit Gread: “This is for the photographer who took that stupid Howard-fellates-Costello pic…”

And the winner is gandhi with this simple, yet effective, number:

The Treasurer signals his support for the PM

Thanks to all who entered the Howard and Finger GrodsCaptionComp. A top effort all round.

In third place, Dave From Albury: “Prime Minister Howard displays his feelings for the Australian people and his party.”

In second place, brokenleftleg: “Here is my plan for the next three years.”

And the winner is Magic Bellybutton with this corker:

*takes big sniff* “Mmmmmmm. Smells like George…”