Once upon a time there was a farmer named Robert Maddock. He was a very rich farmer, and with good reason: Robert had inherited a lot of land from his daddy, Sir Kiefer Maddock, and Robert himself became quite skilled in the farming business. The key to farming, thought Robert, was to (i) own all the grain stores and (ii) therefore control distribution of the grain. When you controlled grain, Robert discovered, people tended to believe what you told them. Especially if you used lots of short words. And pictures of semi-naked women. And stories of dickhead footballers.

Anyway, Robert controlled most of the grain dissemination in his own country so he decided to branch out on a global scale. Before long he was peddling grain all around the world: in England and the U.S. especially. Robert owned so many foreign grain stores that he even had to change his citizenship! But no problem, since Robert’s only loyalty was to his grain-dependent public. Soon, Robert owned 100+ grain outlets and was, like, worth BILLIONS! Robert was so cooool. He celebrated by getting himself a new wife.

But there was one place where Robert’s entrepeneurial skillz had never managed to penetrate: a massive Asian land ruled by evil overlords who were very, very rich but controlled all the grain themselves. Robert decided that this Asian land would be his next goal. If Robert could spread his grain to the people in this land, the evil overlords would be thwarted and there would be democracy and justice for all. But to get a foothold in the Asian land, Robert first had to negotiate with the overlords themselves. Oh brave Robert!

After much negotiating the evil overlords did indeed let Robert sell his grain in the Asian land. But soon, a small problem emerged. One of Robert’s grain stores was run by bad, bad people called “leftists” who were selling bad grain that infected the people’s minds and made the overlords look bad! This grain made people have wild visions and ideas. “Enough!” cried the overlords, and threatened to close down Robert’s operations in the Asian land. Robert came up with a compromise: he would remove the store selling the bad grain, and the people would again be calmed. Peace again reigned: the overlords were happy, the people were compliant and Robert was making squillions.

Years later, things were going so swimmingly in the Asian land that they were given the opportunity to hold a grand festival of sportz. People from all over the world came to participate, to watch and observe. Some of them were called “journalists” and they found, once inside the Asian land, that the evil overlords were not letting them have access to all types of grain. They complained about this - and rightly so. One “journalist” was named Adrian Blot and he complained in a very loud voice indeed. Adrian called those who allowed the Asian land to host these games and restrict grain-flow ”a pack of weasels”, saying that they were “wallowing in [the Asian land's] cash” and “sponsoring tyrants”. Adrian was quite right about all this, which was not all that common for him; he felt good that evening as he relaxed on his leather sofa, sipping Victory Gin and listening to Puccini.

But do you know what the strange thing is? Adrian-of-the-strong-condemnation actually worked for Robert Maddock … and he had absent-mindedly forgotten to mention Robert’s very similar connections with the Asian land and its masters! So Adrian had actually criticised the sportz peoples for letting the evil Asian overlords regulate and restrict the availability of grain, when his own boss helped them do the same thing years back! Oh silly, silly Adrian. In time he will spot his error and explain that Robert actually belongs to the “pack of weasels” he so nobly slams. I’m sure he will. 

THE END

Further to this morning’s story about Alexander Downer’ imminent (and highly anticipated) departure from politics, the member for Mayo has smacked down Senator Nick Minchin for prematurely blowing his load.

“Nick Minchin’s suggestion that I am retiring is presumptuous,” [Downer] said.

“I have made no decision as to my future. When I do make a decision, as to whether I stay or leave politics, I will announce it myself and it will not be a matter for other politicians.”

And thank god Dolly’s going to stick around because the panda has no greater friend.

Well I think South Australia is the big loser in the budget for a lot of reasons… Funding for the Adelaide Zoo so it can house the pandas which would be a great tourist attraction has not been provided. This is despite the fact that Mr Rudd indicated that the $5 million would be found when he was in China recently.

I suppose backbenchers are forced to focus on more mundane provincial issues like zoo enclosures after they are unceremoniously dumped from their globetrotting Foreign Ministry positions.

Oh, but hang on. Alexander’s found a way to sneak some commentary about international relations into a bitch about zoo funding.

The pandas are great for tourism and they have been good for our relationship with China of course. It has been a symbol of our relationship with China. The new Rudd Labor government apparently doesn’t think it is important…

Don’t go, Alexander! Your country (and the panda) needs you.