Tossing and turning in my bed last night, I had an epiphany – why doesn’t GrodsCorp use its blogging reach for good? Why always so down on the Liberal party? It’s the Leftist way to support the underdog, and there is no bigger underdog than Christopher Pyne.

It’s not just that his website is at the lamely rhyming www.pyneonline.com, or that the first thing that assaults you on the site is a pop-up box demanding that you keep in touch, and totally friend him on Facebook. It’s clear he needs help. He wants to be leader, but he’ll never do it on his own.

Malcolm Turnbull hasn’t helped things by handing him a dud portfolio like Shadow Minister for Education, Training and Apprenticeships. Turnbull is obviously threatened by Pyne’s oration skills and animal magnetism, and why shouldn’t he be? Pyne is the only sitting member of Parliament with the ability to grab the Liberal party by the balls and return it to its former glory – you know, lying about asylum seekers throwing children overboard, sending us off to war based on phoney evidence, putting value back in the pound, that sort of thing.

So right now I would to announce my campaign to make Christopher Pyne leader of the Liberal party. He deserves it, and Australia needs it.

What you can do:

Write letters: write letters to all the major newspapers talking up Christopher Pyne’s record of whatever it that he does. Be sure to mention his steely glances and come-hither stare.

Send emails: Set up fake Christopher Pyne email address and badger Turnbull by email. Chances are he won’t tell the difference and will crumble instantly.

Join the Young Libs: For no other reason than the active social life (their Get Smart series 3 fundraiser was a huge success).

Phone talkback radio and repeat what you wrote in your newspaper letters. Chances are Alan Jones will hang up on you, but don’t let that stop you phoning in again under a Mexican pseudonym. If he tries to hang up again cry “racism!”.

Together, GrodsReaders, we can return the Liberal party to its glory days.

Chrissy Pyne loves himself the phrase “part-time Education minister”, concluding most of his poncy press releases with the Julia Gillard smear. His latest effort is no different:

“Hundreds of thousands of dollars are being paid to State Government appointed contractors. Quotes are being inflated beyond all reasonable levels. School communities are being regularly sidelined as faceless bureaucrats dictate what will happen in their schools

[...]

“It is clear that this Minister has a set against programs designed at empowering parents and local communities, and prefers giving money to state education department bureaucrats. We have now seen the waste and mismanagement that naturally follows.

“Australia deserves better than this part-time Education Minister.”

Pyne took some time out of his busy leader-of-opposition-business-and-lobbying-for-leadership schedule to write this press release; a press release that readily admits that the Howard Government’s school infrastructure program ($1.18 billion) was “more modest” than the Rudd Government’s school infrastructure program ($14.7 billion). But, you know, what’s a lazy thirteen billion clams between empowered communities?

Laydeez and gentz, meet Liberal Party ‘tool of the week’, Mr Jamie Briggs:

(In case you’re confused, that’s him on the right. I think the other guy is MK.)

Briggs is the MP for Mayo – yes, he’s heir incumbent to the nasal throne of Alex ‘Things-that-batter’ Downer. He was born and raised in country Victoria, then (according to his maiden speech) ”moved to Adelaide following year 12 to pursue dreams of playing cricket for Australia… [however] my ability was no match for my enthusiasm”. The same might well be said for Briggsy’s fledging parliamentary career. This was his effort yesterday during the motion of condolence for just-deceased World War I veteran, John “Jack” Ross:

MR Rudd: “During World War Two, Jack served his country again, as a member of the Volunteer Defence Corps. In civilian life, Jack Ross worked at the Victorian Railways for more than 45 years, retiring in 1964. Jack was a life member of the Australian Labor Party.”

MR Briggs: (interjecting) Only the good die young.

Jamie Briggs, thou art a tool. And while on the subject of tools from South Australia, note the effort of Christopher ‘He’s-such-a-good-boy’ Pyne earlier in the week:

(MR Pyne interjecting)

The SPEAKER: The Manager of Opposition Business, on behalf of several people, will withdraw that remark.

MR Pyne: Which one? There were many.

The SPEAKER: If there were many, you will withdraw all of them.

MR Pyne: On behalf of my team, I withdraw “nasty’, ‘nerd’ and ”bitch”.

The SPEAKER: The Manager of Opposition Business will withdraw without qualification, as he is required.

MR Pyne: I withdraw without qualification, Mr Speaker.

Pyne pwned.

The Liberals have already asked you to write their jobs policy for them, and now they want you to write their education policy as well.

Teenage students teach Christopher how to write policy

Education For Australia is another lamer-than-lame Web0.6 effort to engage the electorate, containing nothing more than a short spiel from Chrissy Pyne and a plea for “ideas” about how to improve education in Australia. How this site will attract a single additional vote for Malcy’s ragtag collection I have no idea.

Anyway, my idea:

Bill in the States: “I smoked marijuana in college … but I didn’t inhale”

Malcolm in the Middle: “OK, I admit, I had a chuff of it too … aren’t I cool?”

Julia: “OK, I’ve taken the Weed Express stopping all stations to Highsville – is anyone surprised?”

Peter Garrett: “Get real, I was a rock star, I’ve had a ton of the shit”

Wayne: “Me too. Hell, I’m still on six bongs a day now, don’t you watch Question Time?”

Tony: “Even I’ve had a ‘half-hearted puff. But it was OK – I went to confession after’”

Kevin: “I’m not saying. But I did go to a club once… and there were ladies’ boobies”

Christopher: “I once ate a whole box of Pizza Shapes and stayed up after 11pm”
(Mum: “He’s such a good boy”)

Stop the presses! All is well in the Liberal Party.

Christopher Pyne is full of confidence for the future:

Mr Pyne’s monologue – proclaimed in a voice many decibels louder than the hubbub in the dining room at the Jewel of India – made it clear he regarded his leader’s Gippsland strategy as a joke.

“Gippsland will be our Aston!” Mr Pyne declared theatrically.

Good for you, Liberals! You do your darndest to win that by-election!

“First Gippsland, then the Lodge!” Mr Pyne continued, parodying his leader.

That’s the spirit!

It was impossible for anyone else in the crowded restaurant, including this reporter, not to overhear Mr Pyne’s remarks, so loudly were they delivered.

It’s terrific that Pyne is so full of confidence and enthusiasm! Why, he wants to share it with an entire restaurant! He wants to share it with the nation!

Never stop your good work, Christopher Pyne. Your party needs more men like you.

Thanks to Steve.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Chuck A. Spear, Keri and Craig discuss:

* Let’s Cook! With Craig
* Mardi Gras
* John Howard
* Gay marriage
* Kevin Rudd’s razor gang
* Carers’ allowance
* Joe Hockey’s arse
* Young Liberals
* Left wing bias in education
* Christopher Pyne
* Nick Minchin
* Andrew Laming
* Brendan Nelson
* Hire A Hubby
* Masculinity
* SNAGs

** Because there’s still a blockage in the (inter)tubes use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

[display_podcast]

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GrodsCorp can today exclusively reveal that the Liberal Party has been acquired by Australian company Southern Star Endemol, producers of Australian Idol and Big Brother. Southern Star Endemol have been tasked with breathing life into a tired old format and have hit the ground running with two bold initiatives.

1) Party leader selected by popular vote
Under a proposal supported by you’ve-got-to-be-kidding leadership aspirant, Christopher Pyne, every Liberal Party member will get to vote for the leader of the Party. Members will need to SMS the first name of their preferred candidate (e.g. WILSON) to a 1900 phone number for 55 cents. It is believed that many strongly anti-Liberal voters are considering taking out a Liberal Party membership just so they can play their small part in electing to the leadership somebody completely unelectable (e.g. BRENDAN).

2) Audience participation during Question Time
Fresh from cheapening Parliament by using the Kardboard Kevin incident to accuse the ALP of cheapening Parliament by sitting on Fridays, the Liberal Party is further cheapening Parliament by opening it up to anyone who wants a crack. The Liberal Party website has a page where punters can submit questions that they’d like Brendan Nelson or another clown to ask of the government. Some commentators have noted that MPs are elected to think of these questions themselves and if they can’t even manage that then they deserve their sub-polar Newspoll ratings.

In line with GrodsCorp’s official policy of endorsing the most hopeless candidates for leadership positions within the coalition in order to further weaken it, I got a sudden rush of adrenaline when I saw the following headline on the ABC News Online front page tonight.

If only it were true.

And in other Liberal Wake Party news, does anyone else think that Christopher Pyne is the conservative version of Simon Crean? Let’s hope he gets up too.