Remember the charming bigot whose letter in mX the other day got so many GrodsReaders’ blood boiling? Well imagine my surprise when I was on the train last night on the way to GroupthinkFC’s latest courageous defeat and I saw this.

I was scratching my head about who this pen-wielding GrodsReader might be until I got to soccer and Jeremy was grinning from ear to ear.

So now we must turn our attention to Olivia of Camberwell who wrote this.

DOWN WITH PC NONSENSE

Good on Steve. It takes guts to say something that might offend a minority. We are an English-speaking country — to get a citizenship you should be able to speak our language.

Have at it, GrodsReaders.

If this wasn’t so embarrassing and serious it would be hilarious.

Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews has inflamed tensions with the African community by releasing a dossier claiming African refugees were involved in gangs, nightclub fights and drinking alcohol in parks at night.

Let’s see:
Gangs– Melbourne’s gangland war involving almost exclusively the Italian-Australian community
Nightclub fights– Almost every single AFL and NRL footballer
Drinking alcohol in parks at night– Almost every single 15 year old white kid in Australia’s suburban history

Prime Minister John Howard yesterday said it was “contemptible” to suggest the Government was playing the race card.

I find Kevin Andrews and John Howard contemptible. End of story.

Prime Minister John Howard has demonstrated the unquestionably superior nature of quintessential Australian values in his reaction to the Australian soldiers in Iraq who posted internet videos of themselves pointing guns at other soldiers dressed as Arabs. For your convenience I’ve isolated Aussie John’s Aussie values:

Tolerance
He is tolerant of Australian soldiers’ gunplay bringing the defence force’s professionalism into disrepute, along with the soldiers’ aggressive racism bringing Australia into disrepute.

A fair go
He wants a fair go for the soldiers, calling for everyone to lay off the lads because they were just “letting off a bit of steam”.

Mateship
He feels mateship for these soldiers because they’re white, male, English speaking Australians fighting his dodgy war.

“She’ll be right, mate”
He believes that she will, in fact, be right, saying that “the military is quite capable of dealing with this without a whole lot of gratuitous advice from me or other people in the political arena”.

Respect for traditions
He notes that soldiers have always let off steam through time (presumably an acceptable tradition) but the only difference now is that there are video cameras and YouTube.

Heard Andrew Robb on ABC774 with Jon Faine this morning (ahh, uni holidays and lazy weekday mornings in bed). He was talking about the government’s new proposed citizenship test and the possible questions that might be on such a test. When asked how one tests for an understanding of “a fair go” Robb got all confused and blustery, starting to waffle on about how it’s a “quintessential” Australian quality and it’s all to do with tolerance and stuff. You know, it’s the vibe, it’s Mabo. Robb said that, you know, it’s all about how Australians volunteer to fight bushfires.

“Yes, but how do you test for this understanding of a fair go?” repeated Faine.

Apparently (if I interpreted Andrew Robb’s ramblings correctly) you just put “volunteering to fight a bushfire” as one of the options in a multiple choice question about “a fair go”. “But I don’t want the test to become like Trivial Pursuit,” qualified our Parliamentary representative.

Genius.

I realise I’ve been spending a lot of time laying into Kim Beazley recently and some readers may mistakenly believe I hold more positive feelings towards the Man Of Steel.

Wrong.

The jingoistic, xenophobic, tickbox race to the bottom continues. Prime Minister John Howard says that the Government plans to toughen up migration requirements, but they will not be difficult for “fair dinkum” migrants. Along with having to wait four years instead of three to apply (just in the nick of time, Billybob), citizenship applicants will have to pass an English test to be an Aussie.

Says Howard:

“I mean the great unifying thing about this country is language, I mean our culture, the culture of any country is heavily defined by its language.

“Because along with the language comes the literature and the cultural history bound up with it.”

“It won’t become more difficult if you’re fair dinkum and most people who come to this country are fair dinkum about becoming part of the community,”

But as the recent history-in-schools debate has shown, only the Liberal-approved literature and culture will come in the bundle. It’s not fair dinkum to question the official version of the past. It’s definitely not fair dinkum to have any sort of “black armband” view of history.

So, there’s another useless and loaded term to add to our list of citizenship requirements. You must respect hard work, have mateship and be fair dinkum. Basically, don’t be different to us, even though there’s no single description of “us” and many Australians don’t possess those qualities anyway (whatever they are).

Sorry, Kim Beazley, I’ve had enough. You’ve been opposition leader for the better part of a decade and I thought you’d have got your act together by now. Fair enough, you still feel bitter about having the win snatched from your waiting paws in 2001 but isn’t it time to move on? You’ve been leader this time around for over 18 months and we still don’t know what you stand for. John Howard’s advice on the weekend to state Liberal opposition leaders was this: “You’ve got to develop, over a longer period of time, an alternative policy, an alternative story as to how you want the state governed.” Good advice, Kim.

I’m a fairly keen political observer and all that comes to my mind when I try to think of your policies is: abolish AWAs, set up some sort of ISP porn filter, and boost politician superannuation to pre-Latham levels. Oh, and of course your latest split-second brainwave: put an Australian values checkbox on immigration forms.

That has got to be the lowest of the low, Kim. Instead of developing proper, considered and grown-up national security policy you put on your racist hat and populist pants and try to out-Howard John Howard.

You’re an embarrassment, Kim. Almost every single one of your policy announcements seems, at best, ill-considered and, at worst, totally reactive. It’s hard to think of anything you’ve said of any substance that wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to the Government, the unions, or somebody within your own party. And worse is the distinct impression that I get of you being somewhat disinterested and lacking passion in the job. I know you started shouting more in Question Time earlier this year but it’s quite obvious that your increased volume is nothing more than an attempt to prove that you are in possession of “ticker”.

You see, Kim, I really want to vote for Labor. I desperately want to vote for Labor. It would take something very, very big to make me vote Liberal. But, Kim, you’re doing everything you can to make me cross to the dark side.

It’s time to go, Kim, before it’s too late. Quit now so that your successor has half a chance to establish themselves before the ‘07 election.

Say what you like about Mark Latham, but at least he had a vision for the nation and the entire electorate knew exactly what he stood for. And we knew he believed in it himself.

UPDATE (6.55pm): SBS News has just reported that about 3.5 million tourists arrive each year on electronic visas and don’t fill out any visa paperwork on the plane or upon arrival. So, Kim, did your homework then?

On September 11 the slippery argument of whether Australia is safer or not after five years of “war on terror” was always going to pop up. John Howard says yes, we are safer and has called on Muslims to learn English, integrate, and denounce terrorism. Kim Beazley says no, we’re not safer and has called for tourists and immigrants to sign up to Australian values (”respect for each other, mateship, fairness, freedom and respect for our laws”), along with the teaching of Australian values to immigrant children in schools.

You see, if only all of them Muslims would become more like Steve Irwin everything would be okay and you could throw your fridge magnet out. Steve Irwin was so Australian he even died like an Australian. Does anybody else find this populist and xenophobic attitude offensive that “if only they were more like us, instead of more like them” our Way Of Life™ wouldn’t be threatened?

And what is this Way Of Life™ anyway?

But back to the point, and the superiority of Australians and Australian values. All Muslims should became Australian (because, you know, Muslim is a nationality, not a religion) because no Australian’s ever done anything contrary to our Way Of Life™ before.