Bit (a lot) tired today and finding it hard to kick my brain into gear at work. Decided that since I couldn’t leave to go buy a latte (damn you, responsibility!) I’d browse latte porn on the intertubes instead. Tell me that photos like this — which is hilariously captioned by the photographer: “its like being in orbit over planet latte” — don’t get you salivating in anticipation of that sweet, sweet latte hit.

Typing one-handed now

Look, don’t get me wrong. I’ve come to expect nothing less than lifestyle filler in The Sunday Age (with only a slight increase in the quantity of news in the Monday-Saturday version) which is why McBec and I cancelled our seven day subscription to Melbourne’s broadsheet tabloid a few months ago. But cruising The Age’s website just now I notice that nothing has changed since I last had a physical copy of the paper with which to line Napoleon’s litter tray.

THE next time you order an iced quad venti sugar-free vanilla non-fat with whip caramel macchiato at Starbucks, ask yourself what you’re really after.

According to Victoria University researcher Po-Tsang Chen, coffee-drinkers who flock to chain cafes are craving brand recognition as much as the arcane combinations of caffeine.

Dr Chen has completed a four-year study of Melbourne coffee-drinkers, revealing a divide between those who go to chains, such as Hudsons Coffee or Gloria Jeans, and independently run cafes.

Gotta hand it to The Sunday Age because they’ve really identified their target audience and they’re giving those inner city, aspirational latte lefties exactly what they want: confirmation of their eliteness based on their preference for trendy independent cafes.

And if I ever meet the sub-editor responsible for this headline I’ll freakin’ glass him or her: “Well, latte-da - your coffee shop says things about you”.

Maybe I’m the last guy in Australia to know about this but the Gloria Jeans coffee shop franchise is co-owned by two men with close links to the Pentecostal Hillsong Church. In addition to this, Gloria Jeans is a major corporate sponsor of Mercy Ministries which “is a non-profit organization for young women who face life-controlling issues such as eating disorders, self-harm, drug and alcohol addictions, depression and unplanned pregnancy.” Mercy Ministries is strongly anti-abortion and views “lesbianism as a sin that their residential program assists girls to ‘walk in freedom from.’”

Even though Mercy Ministries (and therefore Gloria Jeans) fights for women’s freedom from freedom*, their possession of a MySpace page means they aren’t interested in fighting for freedom from bad web design.

* Thanks to Bruce for giving us this awesome phrase.

A few days ago, inspired by Iain Hall (aren’t we all?), I wondered if the opposite of the “latte left” was the “Nescafe right.” Dave from Albury, in comments, has expanded on this line of thought and argues a very convincing case:

Most Liberal party supporters are from the Starbuck’s Starboard, it tastes like shit but they suck it up because it came from the USA. The Nats on the other hand are the International Roast Right - cheap, nasty and the drinkers simply don’t know any better.

Family First is like ordering an espresso from a roadhouse between Adelaide and Echuca - no matter how shiny the machine looks it produces a brew that is undrinkable and very, very, very, bitter.

The Democrats are the Muffin Break Cappucino - bland, tasteless and no-one’s really interested.

The Greens are fair trade organic peabury - you might feel good about ordering it, but you suspect that the reality won’t be as good as the hype.

The ALP left is an afogato - it seems like a good idea but it’s really impractical. The ALP right is a ristretto - blunt and bitter, should be dispatched quickly to reduce the number of witnesses. Anyone else left in the ALP is a latte with two sugars - doesn’t really stand for anything, but it’s trendier than drinking tea.

ps/- I wonder what kind of coffee Timmeh Blair (who continues to engage in righty groupthink) drinks?