It’s Ashes time. And in between sleepless nights and bleary days everyone’s talking about delay tactics, shitty umpiring, Australia’s performance at Lord’s, and how much of an arrogant chav bastard Freddie Flintoff is. However, after tuning into SBS’s coverage of the series and checking my television settings to make sure I hadn’t accidentally tuned into Amateur Hour on Channel 31, I’m surprised that the biggest Ashes talking point isn’t …

Stuart MacGill: can’t bat, can’t bowl, can’t host

Jeebus H. Cat, the man is atrocious! Whenever SBS crosses back to the studio during lunch I am overwhelmed with feelings of embarrassment for him; that’s if I can stop cringing at the telly long enough. It’s like watching a nervous schoolkid, spooked eyes staring straight down the barrel of the camera, wee their pants from fear live on air. Every night for ten nights.

I know that it’s wise to head your sports broadcasts with someone who knows the game and who can talk from experience, but surely they could’ve found someone better than MacGill. Even Damien Martyn, with his complete lack of charisma or presence would’ve made a better host — at least he’s watchable. But between MacGill and that goose Greg Matthews I’ve been tempted a number of times to throw the flat screen off the balcony.

Stuart MacGill, you’re on the list.

UPDATE: From MacGill’s Wikipedia page:

MacGill is noted as an intellectual type, having once read 17 books on a tour of Pakistan

I suppose reading one book on a cricket tour is enough to get yourself smeared as an intellectual.

UPDATE II: Further down the Wikipedia page the plot thickens:

He has a fondness for wine and books, once reading 24 novels during a tour of Pakistan.

Both “facts” are sourced from a Cricinfo bio, which states:

The son and grandson of Western Australian state players, he socialised with friends who weren’t cricketers in his playing days, and was often portrayed as a thinker, a misfit, the odd man out. It was something he played down, although he once read 24 novels on a tour of Pakistan.

Socialised with non-cricketers! The shame.

“I know what cricket is — you throw a ball and then you hit it with a paddle.”

 (source)

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear, Wah and Craig discuss the following:

* Blogging
* Kevin Rudd’s first 100 days
* The Liberal Party
* Brendan Nelson
* Interest rates
* Cricket
* The Herald Sun
* David Hicks
* Dick Smith
* Osama Bin Laden
* Prince Harry
* Connex
* Lynne Kosky
* Public transport
* Victorian Labor Party
* Fleshlight
* What is the plural of “penis”?
* Liberal leadership future

** I don’t know why but that bloody “Play now” link is still serving up episode four. I have no solution yet. Something to do with the intertubes broken or something. Just to be safe, use the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

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In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Prophet, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss the following:

* Kardboard Kevin
* MX
* Bike riding
* Tennis grunting
* Immature international cricketers
* World Cup 2018
* Melbourne F1 Grand Prix
* The Oscars
* Much, much more

** For some reason Episode 4 seems to play when you click “play now” instead of Episode 5. I’m looking into this error — probably something to do with the cache. For now, click on “play in popup” to make sure you hear the latest episode **

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The Indian Premier League (IPL) is a new six-week cricket competition scheduled for April. Not sure of the details but there’s eight teams, all based in Indian cities but containing a mix of foreign and local players. Each team is owned by a corporation or consortium which has purchased a franchise; the eight franchises total in excess of $US720 million. A ten-year deal to broadcast the IPL has cost two media outlet an astonishing $US1.026 billion. Players are ’auctioned’ and purchased by the team franchises for extraordinary amounts, e.g. Mahendra Singh Dhoni $US1.5 million, Andrew Symonds, $US1.35 million, Sachin Tendulkar $US1.12 million.

Meanwhile, the World Food Programme reports:

Nearly 50 percent of the world’s hungry live in India, a low-income, food-deficit country. Around 35 percent of India’s population – 350 million – are considered food-insecure, consuming less than 80 percent of minimum energy requirements. Nutritional and health indicators are extremely low. Nearly nine out of 10 pregnant women aged between 15 and 49 years suffer from malnutrition and anaemia. Anaemia in pregnant women causes 20 percent of infant mortality. More than half of the children under five are moderately or severely malnourished, or suffer from stunting. 

At least all those anaemic, stunted and malnourished Indians will be able to watch some good cricket as they wither away.

Went to see Australia vs. India at the MCG yesterday and was astounded to see how far Cricket Australia is willing to go to tap new revenue streams. As usual there was advertising and cross-promotion everywhere from sponsorship of fours to ownership of the boundary rope. However, all of the companies represented on the pitch were extremely family friendly until the umpire called drinks.

When this came out.

Don’t bother with that Gatorade stuff; quench your cricket thirst with…

…a fleshlight.

Here is John Howard comparing himself to a cricketer in an attempt to make his faltering leadership look respectable.

…the batsman having reached a double century is displaying both defensive and offensive tactics, the equal of those that have got him to the double century, the gap between bat and pad is no wider and his cover drives are just as immaculate.

Here is John Howard playing cricket.

1) I want you to comment on the cricket I am watching, not constantly refer to your own playing days
2) I hate cliches and metaphors but hate them even more when they’re mixed and mangled
3) I enjoy listening to calm and modulated voices, not incomprehensible screeching at the slightest hint of action
4) Your jokes are really, really, really, unfunny
5) I know the rest of the Channel Nine commentary team is horribly biased but at least they make a cursory effort to hide it

Any others, readers?

It doesn’t get much better than highly anticipated cricket on a Thursday afternoon. Well, it does: knowing that there are 24 more days of it to come.

I spent the first few hours of today’s play laying on the lounge room floor, bathed in sunlight, watching the cricket on the telly, and texting back and forth with jLo who was watching the game from a pub in London after midnight. At one point jLo wrote:

Ps. How hilarious was that first ball? Funniest opening delivery ever. Why the fuck isn’t Flintoff putting himself on?

And sure enough he picked the ball up the very next over.

Some overs later I was reading another of her texts and missed Hayden being caught out. I wrote:

Missed that because I was reading your text. Neanderthal in the showers.

In response, and referring to GrodsCorp’s relentless ridiculing of Matthew Hayden over time, jLo wrote:

Sorry matey! No great loss, really. Where was Jesus right then, huh?

Informing her that I intended to blog her comments she declared:

I am ever conscious of the fact that my texts may be blog fodder. I’ll look forward to reading it all again tomorrow.

Consider it done, jLo.