I was surprised to find this line when reading an article about Bush’s oil fixation:

It’s as if our addict-in-chief is saying to us: “C’mon, guys, you know you want a little more of the good stuff. One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. I promise, next year, we’ll all go straight. I’ll even put a wind turbine on my presidential library. But for now, give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.”

Um…what?

UPDATE: Try saying it out loud. Go on.

I was leafing through DVDs in the school library yesterday when I came across a disc from Narcanon — the drug rehabilitation arm of the “Church” of Scientology. How it got there I have no idea, but I simply had to borrow it out and take a look.

How cool is that ’80s German indoor sports centre-style font and logo?

Reading the accompanying literature I quickly worked out that it was a free promo kit sent out by Narconon to try and convince the school to pay for drug education talks run by the Scientologists. Now, the Narconon approach to drug education and rehabilitation has been pulled apart quite comprehensively elsewhere so I won’t waste much time here on Grods, save to point out how hilarious this particular DVD and leaflet were.

Let’s start with the video which I’ve helpfully uploaded to YouTube for your enjoyment. Try really hard not to picture Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko while you keep in mind my favourite bits:

* Picture of a young schoolgirl, full of hope and promise. Dissolve to a depressed looking emo kid with smudged eyeliner. V/O: “What a terrible waste it is to allow something like this… to turn into something like this, just for the sake of learning a few facts about what drugs are and what they do.”
* The brilliantly meaningless scribbles on the blackboard.
* The highly scientific and charisma-free claim by the educator (sic) to the strains of corporate video soundtrack that, “A drug is basically a poison. (Leans forward, leans back.) Okay? (Claps hands.) A small amount makes a person (walks like a chicken) hyper. Some more of the same drug puts a person (feigns sleep and snores) to sleep. And a whole lot of the drug (holds arms wide) in a short period of time (brings hands together and claps loudly) knocks a person dead.”

Nowhere in the Narconon video or the leaflet is the link to Scientology disclosed. The credits note the influence of L. Ron Hubbard in small print while the book simply says this.

Narconon was founded in 1966 by William Benitez, who was an inmate of Arizona State Prison. Benitez read a book by American author L. Ron Hubbard, and became familiar with Mr. Hubbard’s drug rehabilitation methods.

But the “educator” shown in the video, Charlie Tonna, is extremely active in the “Church” Of Scientology (he became an Operating Thetan IV in 2002) and the patron (Kate Cebrano) and board of Narconon are all Scientologists. Plus, Narconon Australia pays a percentage of its gross income to Narconon International which belongs to a company with strong Scientology links.

However, if the freaks are going to talk to the kiddies without referring to any Scientology and without spruiking their Scientology-based services, then why not give them a chance? Here’s what the book says.

Narconon found that the drug education methods currently in use are not always getting the desired result with children or adults. The use of drugs and alcohol amongst young people is still on the increase and both children and adults, once hooked, find it very difficult to escape the addiction.

Fair enough. But what exactly have they got to offer that’s so different to other drug ed programs?

Narconon has also discovered the powerful role of humour in getting through to people. We found out through survey results that the more humour we used, the more dangerous people thought drugs were and the less likely they were to try them. We don’t just tell people to “say no”, we educate them to come to that conclusion on their own.

Well, I certainly laughed my arse off at Charlie Tonna and the video, but probably not for the right reasons. I doubt this is the comedic reaction they were after.

The whole Narconon spiel screams “scientific basis” about as loudly as the theory of intelligent design. It’s all about vitamins vs. drugs, simplistic statements about drugs’ effects on the body, and “mind pictures”.

The mind is basically made up of pictures, and all the information that a person uses in one’s life comes straight from pictures. This talk graphically demonstrates this phenomenon and shows the link between drug use and the blank spots that occur in one’s mind following the taking of drugs. It also covers which drugs actually scramble one’s pictures and how this can lead to further drug abuse.

The most surprising thing to me was that schools in Victoria have actually let these freaks inside their buildings, if the testimonials on the Narconon Education website are true. But seriously, ask yourself as a parent (or a potential parent): would you let these people near your kids?

I know that independent and minor party MPs and Senators need to try a bit harder than most politicians to get noticed. And I know that Steve (1.9%) Fielding, with his total lack of a mandate and even greater lack of a chance at re-election, needs to try harder than anyone else. But could he be any more of a joke if he tried?

Steve Fielding arrives at Parliament House dressed as a bong to highlight his party’s policy of a 10 cent bong recycling scheme.

John Howard’s latest “zero tolerance” drugs policy:

People convicted of criminal offences involving heroin, cocaine or amphetamines would have welfare payments quarantined under a new scheme announced by Prime Minister John Howard today.

Mr Howard says under the plan, payments would be quarantined for at least a year and the Government would fund extra job training for people with substance abuse problems.

Let me just get something straight before I drown under the avalanche of “latte lefty” insults: drug addiction is a terrible problem in our communities and we must do all that we can to prevent the crimes that result from drug addiction.

BUT!

Drug addicts deserve all the help that we can give them to beat their addiction and rejoin mainstream society in a mutually productive fashion. Cutting off welfare payments, in isolation, does nothing to increase their chances of doing so. Instead of throwing a few extra dollars at Job Network why don’t we boost funding to medical programs that specifically work to beat drug addiction and make welfare payments conditional on participation in those programs?

UPDATE: The Australian National Council on Drugs is also sceptical about JHo’s dog whistle stupidity.

Australian National Council on Drugs executive director Gino Vumbaca says there is a risk that drug users would resort to crime or other means to pay for their habits.

He says if the policy is to be effective it would need to be accompanied by extra funding for treatment and rehabilitation programs.

Got home from work this afternoon and found this (PDF) government propaganda information booklet in the post box. You know it’s an information booklet because the contents page says so.

But before we read a single word of information or guidance to parents about drugs we have to scan through a page containing lots of information about the Man Of Steel behind the Drugs Policy Of Steel.

Not to mention lots of information about just how Tough On Drugs™ the Howard government has been.

The next fifteen-or-so pages is a bunch of generic drug info that looks like its been lifted straight from Wikipedia and whacked together in Publisher with some Getty images of needles and white powder.

Then on page 18 comes the real reason for the booklet.

The next four pages are nothing more than coalition campaigning with bold declarations about government spending and initiatives over the life of the coalition government.

Everyone knows that governments-of-the-day use taxpayer money for partisan advertising but reading shite like this, and thinking about how much taxpayer coin was spent producing and posting it, makes my blood boil. And of course, the fact this shows up on my doorstep less than two months before an election is a total coincidence.