Oh, how the mighty Fairfax has fallen.

I clicked on the link so I could give you a synopsis of the video but Fairfax wanted me to watch a 15 second ad for Telstra Bigpond before I could find out if Britney’s dad is turning her into a zombie.

Fuck that.

Fairfax’s baby-related advertising conduit, Essential Baby, offers some handy hints for having sex that increases the chances of conception.

How important is it to orgasm?
Whilst sperm can leak out prior to ejaculation, clearly it is important for the man to reach orgasm in the act of ‘baby-making’!

Thousands of Australian couples who have hitherto been unsuccessful in their attempts to have a baby will doubtless thank Fairfax for this crucial advice.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous and Wah discuss:

* Cutting welfare in response to school truancy
* Olympic wrap: Great Britain’s gloating and buying gold medals
* Fairfax fucks its staff
* Ask A Barman: pegging
* TardWatch

** Because everyone’s desperately downloading pegging DIY kits, use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

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Attaboy, David Kirk … you just carry on slashing your workforce and delivering Fairfax shareholders short-term dividends on an organisation whose reputation and long-term prospects you’re flushing down the shitter.

In the meantime, we’ll enjoy seeing more of this and this:

Cockhead.

Attention Fairfax — this is what happens when you overwork reporters, make sub-editors redundant and then funnel the savings into the hands of miscreants, charlatans and buffoons at the company’s “executive” level:

That’s only the first three paragraphs! And I’ve said nothing about the bowel-twistingly tortured “lightning” puns stinking up the lead.*

David Kirk, Ron Walker and all you other corrupt, myopic, semi-literate corporate-bot arselickers who have played a part in tearing the guts out of a once-fine media organisation (I’m looking at you, Fred Hilmer) — take a bow. 

* Until now.

Like a middle-aged man in a grey suit dressing in backward baseball cap and Converse sneakers, Fairfax is launching a totally radical website aimed at yoof aged 18-29.

Fairfax Digital is putting the finishing touches to the website, codenamed Kwerky, aimed at free-spending hedonists desperate to have their say.

To be launched within weeks, the website means to tap into a market Fairfax believes has been overlooked by social networking websites such as MySpace and Facebook which have focused solely on allowing users to create the content.

Kwerky will publish off-beat news stories, reviews and opinion on music, sport, fashion and entertainment but allow users to review the reviewers.

Awesome. Fairfax is going to re-publish wire stories about odd-spot events around the world along with brainless reviews about stuff that they think is fringe but will invariably be totally mainstream. Not even the, like, totally awesome name will cover for the crapness of the content. And review the reviewers? I can just see the Fairfax comment moderation team letting through a comment that says “this shit s fkn lame yr all a grp of cnts.”

But Fairfax has really done their research and they have buzzwords galore to describe what they’re trying to do.

Youth product manager Cinnamon Pollard…

Sorry to interrupt, but Cinnamon! Surely somebody’s taking the piss. Anyway, let’s continue.

…told staff its research had found that “identity seekers” – a segment of the 3.2 million 18-29 year olds – wanted their voices to be heard.

“They want to rate, vote and have their say. They want to gain recognition among their peers. Whatever we do we need to facilitate that,” she said.

Because “identity seeking” yoof are really going to seek their identity at a pathetic and try-hard mainstream media site. Say what you like about the illiterate, nihilist yoof of generation Z but they can smell bullshit a hundred kilometres away and this thing is going to stink like little else ever seen on the Australian intertubes.

But do you want to know the main reason I think “Kwerky” will go down like a balloon full of bullshit?

Classified ads for cars, property and jobs from Fairfax’s other websites will be run.

I’d kill to have been a fly on the wall of the board meetings where this arse of an idea was tossed around.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect a lot from the News Ltd. or Fairfax “news” services any more, and I’m more-or-less resigned to the over-promotion of celebrity, sex and lifestyle advertising bait on their websites, but when I saw this on a news.com.au story page I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon pornotube.com instead.

Hard-hitting journalism