Steve Fielding’s wife has written an article for The Punch.

In the article, Steve (via Susan) trots out all of the lines he’s being spewing into the media recently about looking at both sides of the story, the science not being settled, and pretty graphs presenting arbitrarily-selected data proving something or other (Tobias covers this in more detail over at Pure Poison.) But the most brilliant moment of deluded madness is this:

I briefly met Mr Gore at a breakfast in Melbourne attended by more than a thousand people. He was aware of the important role Family First plays in the senate and was keen to catch up.

After a series of phone calls I was met with a stonewall of resistance. I offered to meet Mr Gore at any place at any time but had no luck. Here we had the former Vice President of the United States, a self proclaimed climate change preacher running away from me over a few simple questions.

Don’t you know who I am? I am the leader of a Party of one that on the basis of 50,000 votes is holding the Upper House of Australia’s Parliament to ransom in a futile effort to get myself re-elected in 2010.

Steve’s just pissed off that he paid for dry cleaning for nothing.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding (did you know he trained as an engineer?) has carefully studied both sides of the anthropogenic climate change argument and taken a side.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding has made up his mind on global warming – there’s not enough evidence that it’s real.

If only the AGW model was proposed in a collection of 2000-year-old texts of dubious authorship. That way there would be enough evidence.

In other news, Steve recently started taking the anti-swine flu medication Tamiflu because his sister-in-law contracted the virus. Poor old Steve copped a hard time from cynics who declared it was a stunt, detractors who thought it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, and even his own son who loves a good practical joke.

Steve was forced to write a post on his blog, defending the precautionary use of Tamiflu.

There have been plenty of reports on swine flu coming to Parliament House as though I am some form of carrier pigeon from Victoria. First of all I have no symptoms.

Like everyone else I have been told I am no more likely of contracting swine flu than the average Joe from Melbourne.

The truth of the matter is my sister in law was in quarantine at my family home over the weekend as she was quite ill and had no where else to go.

I have been told by doctors and the parliamentary nurse that I am of little risk of contracting or carrying swine flu.

This whole issue has been blown out of proportion and wasn’t a stunt like was reported in The Australian online.

Reporters at a press conference earlier today suggested I was being selfish by being in Canberra this week.

But given the advice I have received by doctors, telling me I am at no more risk than the average Victorian, I thought it best I go to work given the important climate change legalisation before the Parliament.

I’m currently taking a precautionary course of Tamiflu.

But this is only a precaution.

Commenter Gaz was relieved.

Well, Senator, I hope you manage to avoid swine flu and that if you are infected that the Tamiflu works properly.

Fingers crossed on that one, of course. After all, it was designed by scientists using computer models.

But I do hope you don’t succumb to the virus, otherwise you won’t be able to apologise to the Australian people when the temperature sets new records and you realise how gullible you have been.
Comment by Gaz on 24 June 2009 at 02:59:02 PM

Fielding: pwned.

Here’s Steve in today’s Australian arguing that one must open their mind to the possibility that popular opinion is wrong.

Only 500 years ago, people believed Earth was the centre of the universe and the sun and planets revolved around it. Anyone who dared challenge this idea was denounced as a heretic and punished by imprisonment, torture or in some cases even death. Public debate on this issue was strictly prohibited. It is only on account of people such as Copernicus and Galileo, who dared question the “indisputable science”, that we now know these assertions to be false. For me, these events are in many ways reminiscent of the present debate on climate change. Though thankfully we do not persecute those arguing against the idea of human-induced global warming, a blind acceptance of only one perspective has meant that proper debate on this issue has essentially been stifled. Opponents of the popular opinion that global warming is a direct result of carbon emissions, a group that includes many notable and distinguished scientists, are often derided and quickly dismissed.

It is for this reason that I headed to Washington this week on a self-funded trip to look at the science and facts behind global warming. I am neither a climate sceptic nor a climate extremist. What I am, however, is open-minded.

As an engineer, I have been trained to listen to both sides of the debate in order to make an informed decision about any issue. Any scientist worth their salt will tell you that in order to form a conclusive view about any topic, you need to properly explore all available possibilities.

I look forward to Steve turning his eagle eye and open mind to the evidence-free faith that informs his decisions to oppose abortion, voluntary euthanasia, gay marriage and the rest of his religious policy platforms.

Earlier this week Steve Fielding got a little bit confused while listening to his son talking.

But came to a quick conclusion about the term’s meaning.

And now it’s entered Fielding’s everyday vocabulary.

Senate Estimates are really milf!

The chicken korma at the APH cafe is totally milf.

Coco Pops for breakfast. They’re totally milf.

Susan just snapped at me, told me to stop referring to myself in conversation as “Family First”, that my name is “Steve” … Told her to chill out, that’s everything’s milf.

Milf is the new black.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding is accused of nepotism and of rorting politicians’ perks.

Federal MPs are exploiting a loophole to employ wives and other family members on taxpayer-funded salaries.

[...]

Even Family First leader Steve Fielding is keeping it all in the family, hiring his wife – Susan Head – as an adviser.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding defends putting his family first.

Ever since Steve Fielding entered Parliament he’s been working hard to disguise his efforts to socially engineer Australia in line with the Pentecostal Church’s teachings. Just like a kid who plays a car in a school production, Steve’s been walking around in a cardboard box strung over his shoulders, “FAMILY” emblazoned on the side.

Steve’s latest ploy has been to link divorce to climate change.

“We understand that there is a social problem (with divorce), but now we’re seeing there is also environmental impact as well on the footprint,” [Fielding] said.

“Mitigating the impacts of resource-inefficient lifestyles such as divorce helps to achieve global environmental sustainability and saves money.”

Brilliant! Fielding thinks that divorce is bad because the Church thinks divorce is bad, but most Australians accept it as a necessary part of life, so Fielding tries to link divorce to something that most Australians do think is bad. Those Family First strategy meetings must be fascinating. And it’s not only me who thinks Steve’s nutty pronouncements are worthy of ridicule — he’s been reported in overseas newspapers as the “oddspot” overseas political nutbag.

Oh, Steve. Does nobody take you seriously?

ABC News has published a hard-hitting story about fake Twitter accounts, including GrodsCorp’s favourite, Andrew Bolt.

However, ABC incorrectly identifies Family First Senator Steve Fielding’s account as fake. I’ve been carefully watching Steve on Twitter since he bumbled into the murky Web2.0 world early this morning and he’s definitely for real.

Initially he encountered technical difficulties.

Joined Twitter. Can’t work out how to add picture. Checked Bible but no help.

So he went looking for help.

Called Danny Nalliah to see if he knows how to add picture to Twitter. No help.

Checking Torah for clues on picture uploading.

But then things started to go wrong.

Damn! Torah in some squiggly language that I don’t understand. I hope it’s not Muslim.

Ran in tears to Susan. She assured me that I won’t catch Arab from accidentally reading Muslim.

After that traumatic episode Steve turned his attention towards ensuring he has support at the 2010 poll.

Have started phoning each person that voted ‘1′ for me in 2004. Should be finished on Friday.

Phew – hard work. All supporters are busy either homeschooling their kids or playing bingo in their nursing homes.

But there was a little speed bump.

Called supporter. Accidentally said, “Hi, it’s Steve Fielding from Fitness First here.” Embarrassment much?

Two other Tweeters replied to Steve’s amusing anecdote. @parissite said “Don’t worry – I’m pretty sure that you have said “Family Fist” to your other supporter on more than one occasion”, and @Pollytics said “2yrs ago had a door knocker with thick accent say “I’m So & So from Family Fist.” I couldnt stop laughing, poor bloke.” Confused, Steve asked for more information.

@Pollytics @parissite I don’t get it. What’s so funny about the word “fist”?

And then the wheels fell off.

Looked up “fist” on Urban Dictionary. Teary again. Susan wrapped me in blanky for cuddles and hot Milo.

After such a horribly emotional and traumatic day it’s rather insensitive of ABC News to accuse Steve Fielding of being a fraud. For shame.

With only two years until Steve Fielding and his party of shame depart Parliament for ever and ever amen, the lone Family First Senator has set up a new website and blog to keep him busy in his political twilight.

Steve’s latest blog post contains YouTube video of his self-declared “impassioned” speech in Parliament about the government’s proposed stimulus package. Fielding reckons the speech is impassioned because it’s full of the faux-emotion employed by the second speaker for the negative in a grade eleven debate, except even grade eleven debating students know not to do fake tears because it’s just one step too far and a bit embarrassing.

However, Fielding’s speech about the stimulus package is a pretty good stimulus for a drinking game. Press play on the video, open a bottle of vodka, and take a shot every time Steve says any of the following.

• “having trouble sleeping at night”
• “war on recession”
• “casualties of the war on recession”
• “sure as heck”
• “go into bat for my fellow Australians”
• “deadset serious”
• “kid from Resevoir”

Still sober?

But seriously for a moment, why does Fielding feel that his single seat in the Senate (built on about 50,000 primary votes) means that the government should do everything he asks for? What a stunning sense of entitlement this man has. And he accuses the government of playing politics — because Fielding would never play politics. And then he says he’s “not in anyone’s pocket”, which is probably true if you don’t count the Pentecostal Church.

So if I had to give the fillum a star rating I’d probably give it one star, Margaret. One star because I laughed at the graphic that declared Fielding to be the “leader” of the Family First Party. Leader of one.

It’s almost — almost — justifiable for the government to filter the country’s Internet feed, disallowing access to sites that feature “illegal” content. In the end it’s not justifiable for many reasons, including the difficulty to filter with 100% accuracy, the possibility that it will slow down everyone’s tubes from third world to fourth world standard, the restriction of free speech, and the simple question: who is the government to tell me what I can and can’t look at on my computer?

But this, while being totally expected, just bejokens a joke of a man to brand new depths of jokeness.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding wants hardcore pornography and fetish material blocked under the Government’s plans to filter the internet… But asked to specify the categories of content that Senator Fielding would like blocked by the mandatory first tier, a Family First spokeswoman indicated the party would want X-rated and refused classification (RC) content banned for everyone, including adults.

Who. The. Fuck. Does. This. Guy. Think. He. Is?

How dare Steve fucking Fielding fucking try to tell me what legal content I can and can’t download on my Interweb? What sort of (dare I say?) God complex has taken hold of this man? I mean, Steve Fielding — apart from attempting to seriously curtail my personal freedom — is suggesting that the government compulsorily block my access to about 95% of the Internerds (the other 5% is lolcats.)

Fuck you, Steve Fielding. And the 1.8% you rode in on.

Yesterday Steve Fielding reversed his opposition to the government’s alcopop tax, and watching Michael Brissenden rip Fielding a new arsehole on last night’s 7.30 was awesome. Brissenden reckons that poor widdle Steve felt a bit ignored by the media, but his bong suit was at the dry cleaners, so the only way to attract the press to his office was to do something as stupid as inexplicably unopposing something to which he’d originally been unopposed, but that he then opposed, but that he’s now unopposing it again.

Got that?

So anyway, Steve knew that he was going to be on the telly yesterday so he went to his wardrobe after morning prayers, selected his best suit, his cleanest shirt, and the most hideous fancy dress tie the world has ever seen.

The Channel Seven camerman claims that Steve’s tie is responsible for his camera’s image-sensing chips failing

When I visited my Grandma’s house as a young child, my cousins and I would dip into her huge collection of dress up clothes and do plays and stuff. I swear to Ceiling Cat that Steve’s tie was in that collection.

God Family First Senator, Steve Fielding, has usually stuck to singing the Pentecostal Church’s tune in Parliament, but today he swapped his hymn sheet for a Labor Party cheat sheet and his song is no longer the same.

ALP ears found Fielding’s pitch perfect today

How’s Steve Fucking Fielding’s form in trying to justify the power he wields versus the (handful of) votes he attracted?

Some say I should not use my vote in the Senate because I had a low primary vote when I was elected. Let me put that in context. I received more primary votes in Victoria than Communications Minister Senator Steve Conroy and Senators Judith Troeth and Julian McGauran. And Family First received more than a quarter of a million votes in the last election.

(Article in ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ — no link available)

You slimy little bastard, Steve. Of course you received more primary votes than those Senators you named because they appeared down the list of candidates on group tickets that received over one million above the line votes each, while the shameful excuse for a Party, for which you were the lead candidate, received barely 50,000 votes.

And let me put something in context, Steve. Lead Greens candidate, David Risstrom, received more than a quarter of a million votes at the 2004 election and was denied a seat in the Senate by a man with less than a quarter of his support. And that’s in one state and one house; your “quarter of a million votes in the last election” figure takes in all states and both houses.

Total, complete and utter twat.

Words:

Senator Fielding, 47, said in a wide-ranging interview that he believed it was a woman’s right to choose whether or not to have an abortion.

“Some of these issues are never yes and no,” he said. “I’ve always said it is informed consent.

“It’s a very difficult decision. In the end it’s their decision.”

Action.

Oh, Steve. We know that you’re a joke, but not that old chestnut again.

Yesterday Mr Swan said the pension rate was totally inadequate but he ruled out increasing the payment until a Treasury review reports back by February next year.

Senator Fielding says it is not good enough and the pension should immediately be boosted by $70 a week.

“We’ve had pensioners ringing our office and tell us that they’re living on dog food,” he said.

The most economically-priced dog food at Coles is Coles Smart Buy Dog Food Meat 1.2kg at $1.41 per can. This would provide about three disgusting, repetitive and nutrition-and-vegetable-free meals for an aged person on the pension. At 47 cents per meal (or $6.58 for a fortnight’s worth of dinners) it sure is a bargain, but the taste surely leaves a lot to be desired. Not to mention the long term health consequences.

Delicious AND nutritious (for Fido, not Granny)

Is Fielding seriously trying to suggest that there are no other non-doggy options in the supermarket for a similar price? Well I’ve had a look around.

Let’s start nice and simple. Fourteen meals of Coles Smart Buy Baked Beans in Tomato Sauce 400g, individually priced at $0.52, costs $7.28 — only 70 cents more than dog food over a fortnight. Not exactly a nutritionist’s dream but it can’t be much worse than dog food.

Moving up the gourmet scale a pensioner could combine Coles Smart Buy Pasta Sauce 700g at $2.17, plus Coles Smart Buy Pasta Spaghetti No.1 500g at $0.64, to make three dinners for the total cost of $2.81. That’s $13.16 over a fortnight which is less than double the cost of the dog food.

And at the upper end of the lower end of the food scale, a pensioner could purchase cans of ready meals — dog food for humans. Coles Smart Buy Canned Meal Beef & Vegetable 400g costs $1.89 per can, while Coles Smart Buy Canned Meal Beef & Onion 400g costs $1.94 per can. A bit pricey at around $27 for a fortnight’s worth, but reasonable if you were to only eat a can now and again as a treat.

Let’s compare two sample menus.

MENU A (The Fielding Diet)
Day 1: Dog food… $0.47
Day 2: Dog food… $0.47
Day 3: Dog food… $0.47
Day 4: Dog food… $0.47
Day 5: Dog food… $0.47
Day 6: Dog food… $0.47
Day 7: Dog food… $0.47
Day 8: Dog food… $0.47
Day 9: Dog food… $0.47
Day 10: Dog food… $0.47
Day 11: Dog food… $0.47
Day 12: Dog food… $0.47
Day 13: Dog food… $0.47
Day 14: Dog food… $0.47
TOTAL: $6.58

MENU B (The GrodsCorp Diet)
Day 1: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 2: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 3: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 4: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 5: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 6: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 7: Canned meal, beef and vegetable… $1.89
Day 8: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 9: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 10: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 11: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 12: Baked beans… $0.52
Day 13: Spaghetti and sauce… $0.64
Day 14: Canned meal, beef and onion… $1.94
TOTAL: $10.79

So for $4.21 extra a fortnight an Australian pensioner can eat food designed for humans and enjoy a little bit of variety. It’s still not exactly haute cuisine, and it would still give a nutritionist conniptions, but it’s a shitload better than dog food. $4.21 — that’s only five pulls on a poker machine.

Shut up, Steve Fielding. Perhaps when you fail to get re-elected in a couple of years you could work for Today Tonight.

Just when you thought Steve Fielding’s bong stunt was as low as this muppet could go in trying to attract attention to himself, he goes and does something like this.

Angry pensioners and a Family First senator have stripped off and stopped traffic on one of Melbourne’s busiest intersections in a protest against a lack of support for seniors in this week’s Federal Budget.

[...]

Mr Fielding stripped off his shirt in support of the protest, while two elderly women wore only their bras.

Several men also stripped to the waist after the protesters walked from the steps of Flinders Street Station into the intersection with Swanston Street.

Aargh! My retinas!

Fielding flagged this hideous act in one of his notorious home videos last week, but I honestly couldn’t see him going through with it. And the irony of it all is that Fielding baring his chest to a handful of bemused pedestrians in Melbourne’s city centre won’t help one bit in getting him re-elected. Face it, Steve: you and your Pentecostal mates are headed for the political dustbin of history and no stunt on Earth is going to save you.