It’s simple, really. When a nation lowers itself to the moral level of teh terrorists in an effort to defeat teh terrorists, teh terrorists win.

The official in charge of the military commission process at Guantanamo Bay has become the first senior Bush Administration figure to publicly admit that a detainee was tortured.

And when barely-credible leaders of a barely-credible administration tell such brazen porkies, teh terrorists win a little bit more.

“The United States does not torture. It’s against our laws, and it’s against our values,” [President George] Bush asserted on September 6, 2006…

In an interview last week with the Weekly Standard, [Vice President Dick] Cheney said: “I think on the left wing of the Democratic Party, there are some people who believe that we really tortured.”

What is it with teh Left and their freedom-hating ways?

There really is nothing I can say about this. Well, I can, but it mainly consists of words like “fucking” and “cunts”. 

So, caption time. Tell me, Grods Readers, what are these two big dickwads thinking in this photo ? Or you can just caption the photo. No winners, just the freedom to go crazy.

The title of this post? It’s from the brilliant “The Mateship” from the Keating! The Musical, er, musical. You can watch it here.

Former Prime Minister John Howard is set to receive the US Medal Of Freedom from outgoing President George W. Bush. Of course, the award has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Howard was one of only a few leaders who pledged his full support for the flailing President in the face of overwhelming opposition from most of the world.

The Medal Of Freedom is awarded to people who “work to improve the lives of their citizens and… promote democracy, human rights and peace abroad.”

I could only fit one link on each “achievement”, so what are some other examples of John Howard’s commitment to improving lives, promoting democracy, defending human rights, and fighting for peace?

UPDATE: Of John Howard, MK sez: “Humble as always.” The larfs!

I have a confession to make and I don’t want you to get angry at me, or feel betrayed, or reel back in horror, or send me away to the Worker’s Paradise of Siberia for “re-education”, or anything like that.

I’ve always like George W. Bush. And I’m going to miss him when he leaves the White House to make room for Barack Obama, who will win tomorrow.

Okay, I hated Dubya for his war “policies”, Guantanamo Bay, Dick Cheney, his so-called “faith-based initiatives”, his indifference to his own citizens who struggled daily for basic rights like health and education, and so on.

But I sure as hell loved his horribly mangled grammar, his ability to say some of the most stupid things that does not befit the President of the United States, and his lack of embarrassment — or complete unwareness — at what he’d said.

I’ve cringed and sniggered and often laughed out loud at Dubya’s bloopers. I’ve watched The Letterman Show whenever I could just for the “Great Moments in Presidential Speeches” segment.

So, with his impending departure from the White House, I’d like to take a look back at some of my favourite things he’s said in the last 7-8 years, for posterity (and in no particular order, there was a lot to sift through). The quotes are from the excellent DubyaSpeak.com website, who have done an amazing job “recording the damage” over the years.

• I can press when there needs to be pressed. I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands. — January 6, 2008
• I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right. — July 22, 2001
• It is naive and dangerous to take a policy that he suggested the other day, which is to have bilatarelations with North Korea. — October 8, 2004
• I don’t like to put words in leaders’ mouths. I don’t particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it. — November 10, 2007
• It reads like a mystery, a novel. It’s well written. — July 26, 2004 (pertaining to the 9/11 Commission’s report)
• She is a fabulous First Lady. I was a lucky man when she said, yes, I agree to marry you. I love her dearly, and I’m proud of the job she’s doing on behalf of all Americans. Just like I love my brother. — September 9, 2003
• The Ambassador and the General were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice. — October 27, 2003
• You know, I’m — I’ve been in politics long enough to know that polls just go poof at times. — April 19, 2007
• That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting? — May 5, 2006
• It’s a myth to think I don’t know what’s going on. And it’s a myth to think that I’m not aware that there is opinions that don’t agree with mine. Because I’m fully aware of that. …I see a lot of the news. Every morning I look at the newspaper I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I’ll move on. — December 12, 2005
• I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You’re doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That’s where you started practicing? That’s good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me. — May 27, 2004
• I love the story of America, I love the fact that people who started with nothing and have built a fantastic food processing business. — October 14, 2003
• There’s no need for any unrestrained yelling. — July 30, 2003
• REPORTER: Do you think you would be able to work effectively with a future Australian leader, be it either a successor of Mr. Howard from his own party, or from their opposition?
  DUBYA: Well, I suspect he’s going to outlast me, so that is a moot point. Probably a question you ought to ask him. Somebody said, you and John Howard appear to be so close, don’t you have any differences? And I said, yes, he doesn’t have any hair. — May 16, 2006
• We can help somebody who hurts by hugging a neighbor in need. — April 4, 2003
• First we talked about the bridge that collapsed. I was here earlier, saw the collapse first hand. I was impressed by the magnitude of the problem. It was — my heart was touched by the fact that people lost their lives. — August 21, 2007
• We have overcome a recession. That means things are going backwards. — March 26, 2004
• Rarely is the question asked, are, is our children learning? — January 11, 2000
• I’m the master of low expectations. — June 4, 2003
  
• Nobody has accused me of having a real sophisticated vocabulary. — October 11, 2006

Feel free to add your favourite Dubya quotes, as we begin to farewell Dubya with joy.

I was surprised to find this line when reading an article about Bush’s oil fixation:

It’s as if our addict-in-chief is saying to us: “C’mon, guys, you know you want a little more of the good stuff. One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. I promise, next year, we’ll all go straight. I’ll even put a wind turbine on my presidential library. But for now, give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.”

Um…what?

UPDATE: Try saying it out loud. Go on.

The lame-duck Bush bandwagon is still in denial about its abuse and misuse of intelligence when deciding to invade Iraq in 2003:

“We acted on the intelligence that we had, and that the entire world had,” spokeswoman Dana Perino told reporters after Mr Rudd’s alleged “abuse of intelligence information” led to regime change in Baghdad.

“No-one else in the world, no other government, had different information and so we acted based on what was the threat that was presented to us.”

It’s a strange kind of zero-sum game when you invade foreign nations on the basis of dubious or thinly-extrapolated evidence of WMD, then argue ‘Well nobody had any evidence that there weren’t WMD…’ Apparently in this ludicrous new world order, you are likely to be invaded for possessing something unless someone else can prove that you don’t have it. And of course, no WMD were ever found, despite some flimsy and often deceitful attempts to suggest that stockpiles once existed and were somehow destroyed or spirited out of the country.

Hindsight and history will paint the Iraq War as a foreign policy folly of significant proportions. It has brought the deaths of 4,000 US soldiers, more than 1,000 civilian contractors and an inestimable number of Iraqi soldiers, police and civilians. It has cost the US in the region of $3 trillion at a time of economic decline and domestic need, such as Hurricane Katrina. The stabilisation of Iraq is now inextricably hinged to an American military presence that, once withdrawn, will see Iraq descend into a sectarian quagmire. There will be gross regional instability that will almost certainly draw in Iran, Syria, the northern Kurds and Turkey, not to mention remnant al Qaeda elements.

None of that belies the contribution of many elements of the multinational force, including the 14,000 Australians who have served in Iraq. It’s worth celebrating their thoughtful contribution in the wake of a thoughtless invasion. But it should also be acknowledged that Iraq is a patchwork of local, tribal and sectarian divisions – some more febrile and unstable than others – and that our zone in the south was considerably more manageable than Baghdad or those in north and central Iraq. We should be thankful because this has allowed us to withdraw without a single military death – but we should also recognise that it wasn’t only the professionalism of our soldiers that permitted this.

We are better off out of it and well clear of our fawning support for US action there, one of John Howard’s repugnant legacies. As for Iraq itself, Andrew Bolt might think the war is over, but I suspect it’s the ‘end of the beginning’ rather than the other way round.

School sets low targets for student scores to ensure that targets are met.

“The modified course only needs to contain one assessment task (maybe the easiest one). The student only needs to get 50 per cent to get an SA (satisfactory achievement) or 15 per cent to get an RA (recorded achievement). It’s that easy!”

President sets low target for reducing carbon emissions to ensure that target is met.

Mr Bush has unveiled a plan to halt the growth of US emissions by 2025…

Oh, the hilarity.

The Federal Opposition wants Prime Minister Kevin Rudd to use his upcoming meeting with United States President George W Bush to lobby the US to sign up to the Kyoto Protocol.

Bwah! Ha, ha, ha!

Mr Rudd arrives in Washington this morning… Opposition climate change spokesman Greg Hunt said Mr Rudd should… urge the US to follow Australia’s lead and sign Kyoto.

“When George W Bush came to Sydney they forgot to raise climate change,” he told Channel Seven.

“They” forgot to raise climate change? “They”? Is this “they” the ALP who were then in opposition and completely powerless to implement policy? And Greg Hunt is criticising them for not discussing Kyoto with Bush last year? (Actually, maybe Hunt was at the time all too aware that his joke of a Party were dead in the water come November.)

Is this the Greg Hunt that is a member of the party that was in power for eleven long years and never once put the word on the USA to sign Kyoto despite the close personal relationship between its leader and the US President?

Besides from being a Herculean backflip this is just further repudiation by the Liberal Party of everything that John Howard stood for and his policies driven by personal ideology.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Third affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

Since John is stubbornly refusing to see reason (and really, it is to be expected from people such as him), I’m just going to have to resort to treating this in exactly the same way as him – like a game

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

FreedomJeopardy!

Rules are simple. There will be 5 answers. You must work out the correct question to go with this answer. Host is the host, Playa is the contestant. The money you win goes towards getting your family out of Iraq and away from America’s crusade.

First answer.

Playa: I’ll take Megalomaniacal Delusions for $100 thanks Host

Host: Ordered great monuments to be built by slaves as they were rulers seen as gods on earth.

Playa: Who are the Pharaohs?

Host: Correct.

***We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news. Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced that Steve Fielding is to be crowned King of Australia. We will give you more information as it comes to hand.***

Second answer.

Playa: I’ll take Random Acts of Catholicism for $200 thanks.

Host: No one expects this.

Playa: What is the Spanish Inquisition?

Host: Correct.

***This just in. Starting immediately, all laws will be reviewed to ensure that they adhere to God’s Will. All non-Christians, Homosexuals, Feminists and Pinko Lefties are to report to their nearest police station immediately for bar-coding and processing.***

Third answer.

Playa: I’ll take Utter Bastards for $400 please.

Host: Sycophants who can easily be bought by the Exclusive Brethren for a cup of coffee at Gloria Jeans

Playa: Who is the Australian Liberal Party?

Host: Correct!

***More breaking news: Fred Nile will be assisting the King in this review, while Cardinal George Pell has been given special permission from the Pope himself to be Australia’s High Inquisitor.***

Fourth answer.

Playa: How about…Religion = Stupidity for $300!

Host: He claimed that the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq were missions from God.

Playa: Who is George W Bush?

Host: Correct!

***Women’s health groups are up in arms at the announcement that all stocks of contraceptive pills will be destroyed. Furthermore, the King has issued orders that effective immediately, any woman seeking to terminate a pregnancy (or possible pregnancy) for any reason is to be placed in a Federal Maternity Care Facility. These facilities are to ensure the health of the mother while she carries the child to full-term. Extensive counselling from on-site chaplains will be available for all expectant mothers.***

Final answer!

Playa: I’ll take “Always Right” for $500 thanks Host

Host: She is always right no matter what John Surname may otherwise claim.

Playa: Who is Magic Bellybutton?

Host: Correct! Yes, not a well known question that one. I’m really impressed you knew it.

Playa: Magic Bellybutton is the shit.

Host: But of course.

Six months later:

In the end, everyone was bent to His will. The King has spoken and those who failed to comply soon found that life was very difficult for them. The world grew very dark. Anyone suspected of non-conformity was labelled Un-Australian and found themselves to be under investigation from Cardinal Pell’s Righteous Rulers Special Service. Many people disappeared and were never seen by their friends for family again.

The King looked over his domain and smiled to himself. Everyone is happy when they have the right morals imposed on them. They come to understand that there is only One Way.

He turned around and went into his bedroom. Now, where did he put that Baby Jesus Butt Plug?

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

I’d like to thank John for letting everyone know that I was right.

What, you didn’t catch it? Go back and reread what he wrote.

Did you see it?

Yes Virginia, he said I used a “fake” hypothetical.

Given that a hypothetical is by its very nature based on an untruth, by saying mine was fake he was actually saying it was a fake fake, that is, true. Thank you, John. Much appreciated.

Now funnily enough, I got an email on Friday from a most unexpected correspondent. They asked that I pass a message on to you. Given who it was, I couldn’t bring myself to say no (click for larger, more readable image):

Now, anyone who says you cannot do things because of something that is written in the Bible is a dickhead of the highest order. (That’s right, I swear. Those of you who are shocked really need to move with the times. Geez.) Furthermore, when it is a politician (why I created them I do not know. They are sooooo skeezy. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes.) When it is a politician who is telling you what you can and cannot do and they are using my novel as the basis for their fascist dictates, they are really crossing the line. Pete (St Peter) is under strict instructions not to let them into Heaven – we don’t need their kind here. Seriously. They’re a Downer. (Heh heh. See what I did there?)

Anyway, religion and politics do not belong together. It was never intended that way. Religion is really just a way for those lacking imagination and intelligence to deal with day-to-day life. I notice that John speaks (in My Name no less!) of Tony Abbott. Man, that guy really gives me the shits. How dare he tell women what they can do with their bodies! And governments have no right to say you cannot marry the person you love. My Me!

Religion is not the moral yardstick of the populace. There are some obvious things that you just don’t do (if I have to spell them out, then we need to talk) and I generally find most people are moral by nature. It is instinctive to do the right thing and not harm others. As you were growing out of the primordial ooze billions of years ago, I made a deal with Mother (Nature) that you would develop what is now called a conscience. Your own personal morals are what should guide you in most cases, and politicians have no right to dictate to you what your morals should be. As long as you are not harming anyone or anything, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Politicians need to stick to what they allegedly know best – how to run the country, making sure that ALL people are looked after, regardless of race, religion, bank balance, gender or sexuality.

In addition, I do not tell people to go to war. War is the very last resort. Like when that horrid Adolf started persecuting Jews and saying they were “dirty”. (Now there’s a man who knew what dirty was. You should have seen the stuff he and Eva got up to in that bunker!) His behaviour towards the Jews was completely immoral and people were right to ensure that his evil did not spread further. I’m still trying to clean up the mess he made. And he was a politician.

Don’t mix your politics and religion. I don’t want to come back down there.

(Oh, and I would NEVER talk to that moron George W Bush. What a tool. Mo’ – Mohammed – hates him too. Keeps bugging me to smite his arse. But I’m trying to cut down on the smiting. Gives me indigestion.)

She went on a bit more but it’s not really relevant here. I’ll post the rest of Her email on my blog this weekend. She really is quite entertaining! (How did I know it was Her? She knew things I’ve never told a soul.)

I’ve managed to make it nearly 32 years without acting immorally. And I don’t even try that hard to be moral. It comes naturally. I’m offended that politicians would make laws based on a religion that I find irrelevant. They trust us to vote them in, they should trust us to behave in the best interests of not just ourselves, but others.