Perfect headline, isn’t it? Politics, shit and sweets, all rolled up in one irresistible package, promising a tale that couldn’t possibly disappoint.

And it doesn’t.

The short version of the story, just in case any Andrew Bolt readers have stumbled by (we all know you imbeciles don’t bother reading links), is that a woman kicked up a fuss over seating at a pub function and was allegedly given a free bowl of poo-smeared ice cream as a “placatory gesture”.

I worked in the hospitality industry for many years and saw some horrendous things (and heard of worse) … but this despicable act would take the chocolates, so to speak.

Anyway, here’s the bit that really impressed me:

Ms Whyte said she realised something was amiss when she brought a spoonful to her lips and “the stench went through my nostrils”.

“I retched and spat it out into the napkin,” she told News Ltd.

Notice the missing sentence between those two? I imagine it went something like this:

“SO I TOOK A BITE ANYWAY…”

Fair. Fucking. Dinkum. What would have to have been on this woman’s ice cream to dissuade her from putting a spoonful into her gob?

Eight days ago I launched an “extrapolate the headline” competition, promising to announce the results six days ago. It may look like I forgot, dear GrodsReaders, but I almost forgot given that I’ve now remembered.

The challenge was to write the first paragraph of a story to accompany this awesome headline.

ECSTASY IN MAN’S PANTS

Judging was tough, but here are the results. In third place is Zombie Mao:

Pyongyang:

In a world first, an Australian has taken out the ‘Ferret down the Trousers’ World Cup. Mr T. Editor of Melbourne beat an international field by stuffing a world record 15 ferrets down his trousers, defeating local champion Won Long Dong by just one ferret.

In second place is Mikey:

Area Man, John Surname, today announced that Paris Hilton had taken up residence in the gusset of his trousers. The slender slattern said that she will bring along her latest micro pet that would only add to the enjoyment of the experiences for Surname.

And our winner is Ray Dixon with this corker:

A Melbourne fashion house has released a new range of mens’ clothing titled ‘ecstasy’. The range features a revolutionary pair of trousers that has a fleshlight sewn into the crutch. Designers Wayne Kerr & Jack Orff said they were inspired by the popularity of fleshlights among internet users.

Ray wins a lifetime supply of ecstasy and pants.

An honourable mention to Damian with this completely unintentional, yet brilliant, entry.

Fuck, Ed. This is much harder than it looks.

Thankyou linesmen, ballboys.

Time for a new competition here at GrodsCorp. We give you a news headline and you write the first paragraph of the accompanying story. Today’s headline is from The Sunday Age and it should trigger some very interesting ideas.

ECSTASY IN MAN’S PANTS

Entries in comments; winner announced COB Tuesday.