Melbournians – couldn’t sleep a wink last night because of the heat? The Herald Sun’s graphos show you why:

Apparently it was 41.2 degrees Celsius at midnight!!1! God knows what it’ll be when we’re all in bed at noon tonight.

News just in, we’re all going to die:

Today (Tuesday) will be the start of five days of unrelenting scorchers [in Victoria] with temperatures soaring to the 40s. The heatwave will arrive today with an expected maximum of 38 degrees, 41 on Wednesday and 40 on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

The last time Melbourne had a heatwave of this intensity was a century ago when it suffered through five days of stultifying heat with temperatures in the 40s in January 1908.

Of course this proves that globule warmening really exists!!!1! And that Melbourne is teh Leftist capital of Australia and is being punished by Satan. And that Aurora’s blog was, in its last throes, spot on. And that all the smart people live in Queensland or Tasmania. And that we shoulda built more dams.

I hate the heat like a leftist hates meat cars, Holden pies and all other Australian icons. So I won’t be going down to Williamstown beach to compete with 10,000 zinced-up lunatics for a square yard of sand on which to lay my Australian flag beach towel.  Nor will I wander aimlessly at the tennis, hoping to get a look at a big name player but instead having to settle for court 18, where some unknown Belorussian is playing in the singles for girls under-18 with one arm. I could seek refuge by wandering the refrigerated maelstrom of Highpoint or Melbourne Central – but so will a million bogans without artificial cooling. 

No, looks like I’ll be spending my last three days of holidays inside our shuttered house, while my air-conditioner spews tonnes of non-offset carbons into the atmosphere - and I sip homemade lemonade and read good books, interspersed with the occasional blog comment. I don’t intend casting eyes upon the sun until Sunday.

It’s been another bloody scorcher here in Melbourne with the temperature hitting a bee’s dick under 40 degrees for the third or fourth day in a row. But as much as it’s been uncomfortable for average Melburnians, spare a thought for those people amongst us who sport a full coat of fur and for whom it’s been so very difficult to cool off. Normally when I get home from work Napoleon comes running down the hallway to greet me but this afternoon he didn’t move from his spot between the couches where he lay panting and lifeless.

So I threw a glass of water over him.

“I have filed this away in my memory and will exact revenge when you least expect it.”

It’s been bloody hot in Melbourne ever since I got back into town on Boxing Day. Yesterday hit 41 degrees at about 5pm, dropped to about 30 degrees at midnight for the New Year’s celebrations, and didn’t go below 28 degrees all night. With the house already super-heated from the past couple of days there was absolutely no chance of getting any sleep. McBec and I moved to the spare room which has a better breeze from the window but neither of us managed more than an hour or two of proper sleep. It’s the only time I’ve ever wished for an air conditioner in my house. I normally cope with the heat quite well but this was ridiculous.

But spare a thought for poor Napoleon. He’s been walking around the house for the past two days looking like he wants to die. He spent last night at the foot of our bed making pathetic meow noises. I’m sure the RSPCA would’ve had no objection if I shaved his fur right off.

Last night was nice, though. Shunning boozy New Year’s party plans McBec and I went to a posh Italian restaurant, ate awesome food, drank awesome wine, and then went to see a movie. We were home by 11:30pm and read books in our underpants as the clocked ticked over to 2008. How romantic.

What did you peeps get up to?