Oh dear. Andrew Bolt has gone into martyr overdrive today in celebrating the ten year anniversary of his column in the Herald Sun.

Here’s yet another page or more of me telling you what I think. Such arrogance.

And the worst is that this has been going on for a decade. In fact, it was this week 10 years ago that I was given this twice-weekly column.

Bolta reckons he’s learned a few lessons in those ten years. Let’s have a look at them one-by-one.

Lesson 1: Don’t be shy. If I don’t fill this column space, it’s sure to be filled by an even greater idiot.

Proof?

For instance, if I hadn’t filled this space with columns warning that then Labor leader Mark Latham had character flaws that could “completely destroy not just Latham, but Labor”, you’d almost certainly have had to read the exact opposite, given almost every other columnist supported him.

Truth be told, I didn’t realise that Bolta was single handedly responsible for Mark Latham losing the 2004 election. I was under the impression that Latham was single handedly responsible for Latham losing the election.

Lesson 2: Toot your own triumphs.

As shown. After all, when you start criticising fellow journalists, you’re up for pack-payback, and it’s wise to give readers some reason to think you’re not as advertised: a “village idiot”, “extremist”, “lap-dog”, “mad professor”, and, of course, “racist”.

Of course, Andy. You talk yourself up only to defend yourself. Nothing to do with being full of yourself.

Lesson 3: Facts seem barely to count against a moral crusade.

So Bolta has made it his stock in trade to counter with carefully selected facts that support his own moral crusade.

Lesson 4: The more moral the campaign, the less likely journalists are to tell the truth.

[…]

Here, for instance, are some of the facts which I found the more fashionable journalists refusing to report for fear the truth would destroy their Truth.

- The world stopped warming in 1998.

- No one can name even 10 Aboriginal children stolen from their parents just because they were black.

[…]

- Several people “helped” by euthanasia guru Philip Nitschke were not dying, or even in pain.

Name just three, Andrew. Just three. (Also, do you like the way he uses a capital ‘T’ for the other journalists’ “Truth”?)

Lesson 5: Reporting facts that others won’t will make you seem mad.

Oops.

Your seeming mad has to do with other things, Andy.

Lesson 6. But being wrong hurts more than being mocked.

At first that wasn’t so. Who wants to be thought evil or dumb?

But keep your job and your cool long enough, and the truth will quietly out.

If there’s one thing that Bolta has never been able to keep, it’s his cool. A shriller, more grumpy “journalist” the world has never seen.

Lesson 7: When facts alone don’t count, naming and shaming might.

[…]

I started to call Prof Robert Manne, the leading theorist of the “stolen generations”, its leading “propagandist” instead, and I challenged him: “Name just 10 truly ‘stolen’ children.”

Personalising it like this invites revenge, that’s true, and can seem too nasty. But it can also hotly prod a response when cold facts don’t.

Manne, enraged, decided to take our debate public - to the Melbourne Writers’ Festival - and the rest is history, Manne and his list included. Just name 10, Robert.

Oh, I see. All that shrill stuff is just a journalistic tool to out Truth (sic). Makes perfect sense.

Lesson 8 - There is no “everyone”.

When someone says “everyone agrees”, they usually mean everyone like them - and that is especially true when “everyone” is the teacher-preacher class that hogs microphones, pulpits and newspaper keyboards, drowning out debate.

And Bolta sure does have a hard time getting heard. He has a twice weekly, full page column in Australia’s best selling newspaper, he appears regularly on several radio stations, he is a panelist on Insiders, and next week he’s following in Timmeh Blair’s underwhelming footsteps and appearing on Q & A. Those damn lefties and their debate-stifling ways.

On the set of Insiders I had to be given the lone chair on the far right of the screen. This, because I had the nerve to share the judgment of most Australians over four elections.

Hearts fucking bleed, Bolta.

But what is the moral of Bolta’s tale of self-love?

And that brings me to the ultimate lesson I’ve learned over these 10 years: that it’s best to write for your readers, not your peers.

Some may think you a fool or a bighead and too often wrong. But if most figure you’re just trying your best to describe things as they are, you might just have a job for a decade.

And may you bring us regular doses of “journalistic” hilarity for another ten years to come, Andy. Happy birthday.

The front page of today’s Hun pretty much sums up that tabloid’s attitude towards issues analysis.

Black, white and not a hint of grey

UPDATE: Okay. As has been pointed out I didn’t make my point very clear. As I’ve said in comments, I wasn’t really making a point about the story attached to the headline. (Sorry for not making that clear.) I was more making the point that when I walked into work this morning and saw the paper my immediate thought upon reading the headline (without knowing what it was referring to) was that it was an awesome tagline for the Hun itself.

The subjects of a Hun story… not Hun commenters

You can tell as much as you need to know about the Herald Sun from the online commenting habits of its readers. One day someone will write a thesis or commission a study on it but from general observation, any story involving politics, international issues, poverty, global warming, etc. struggles to reach double figures in comments … but mention Wayne Carey, Shane Warne, any other current or ex-sportsperson, sex, death, sharks, stingrays, mortgages, petrol prices… and whooooosh! the posts they come like a stream-of-consciousness torrent. And something like an unholy incest yarn - weird sex and all that - attracts 42 boganisms and rising in about three hours, ranging from ‘SICK! DISGUSTING!’ tub-thumping to the thinly veiled gags:

All this story needs is Banjo music in the background!!
Posted by: A. Thompson of Melbourne

it was chad morgan who pend and sung the song “im my own grandpa” talk about life imitating art!
Posted by: dimitri of mildura

First a pregnant man now this?! Celeste ay? She will probably be called Cest for short.
Posted by: Steve of Wagga NSW

further evidence that south australia truly are better off for not having any convict settlement…
Posted by: John of Ball

I think it’s fantastic. People should leave them alone - they obviously found true happiness despite the obstacles. Alana - how can you talk? You’re from Narre Warren of all places - you must see this kind of thing everywhere.
Posted by: johnny of Melbourne

All the Hun needs now is for Wayne Carey to commit incest with a stingray while urinating on the windows of Crown Casino and their commenting system may implode.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear, Wah and Craig discuss the following:

* Blogging
* Kevin Rudd’s first 100 days
* The Liberal Party
* Brendan Nelson
* Interest rates
* Cricket
* The Herald Sun
* David Hicks
* Dick Smith
* Osama Bin Laden
* Prince Harry
* Connex
* Lynne Kosky
* Public transport
* Victorian Labor Party
* Fleshlight
* What is the plural of “penis”?
* Liberal leadership future

** I don’t know why but that bloody “Play now” link is still serving up episode four. I have no solution yet. Something to do with the intertubes broken or something. Just to be safe, use the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

 

 GrodsThink 6 (4/3/08) [31:13m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 GrodsThink RSS feed

Sally Morrell writes the most bland, vacant guff, full of motherhood statements and celeb-obs, yet the Herald Sun sees fit to give her a weekly column (probably because she’s Mrs Bolta). She’s also trying to break new ground on paragraph size, some formed from just three or four words. To relieve my abject boredom I skimmed through the last five of her columns, harvested all paras of <12 words, and jumbled ‘em up to make my own Sally (TM) poem. It reads like something from Wallace Stevens, or Ern Malley-meets-Richard Wilkins:

Madonna became a mother at 38 and had her second child at 42.
So congratulations, Nicole.
After all, she’ll be representing Australia on the world stage.
Give the woman a break. Didn’t someone tell these guys superwoman is dead?
Go girl.

Take Germaine Greer.
It was easy to think it was just a publicity stunt.
They’d better do something sweaty soon.
They only make us wonder why they bothered opening their mouth.
But I think Terri genuinely does crave a message from Steve.

I don’t believe in John Edward.
But why does John Laws want us to know his secrets?
Deep down he just wants us to like him.
And knowing you, we’re not necessarily liking you.

Maybe that’s why we still like them.
Or, rather, by the blokes hanging off them.
Ignore them, Therese.
Why must your love die with their body?
Think Jeannie Little on a bad day.

An extreme makeover was urgently needed, he said.
Trust me, Therese. You won’t be looking at Armani.
Go work on your putting or pasting.
Usually there’s a look-at-me reason behind all the revelations.
Oh, and yes, she has a new album coming out.

Well if anything it’s just as meaningful as the original source.

Timmeh Blair uncovers leftist disengagement.

This article was the most-viewed by Age readers on Sorry Day.

The article in question is a hard-hitting investigative piece about a dog show.

Now I’m the first guy to criticise The Age for its lightweight bubblegum stories and over-reliance on celebrity news and lifestyle guff at the expense of proper journalism, but if Timmeh’s going to have a crack at The Age for something like this he should also take a look at the newspapers of News Ltd. — his employer.

Let’s have a look at the most read stories within the News stable yesterday.

Adelaide Advertiser and The Australian (with its three dozen readers): Tick!

Daily Telegraph (Blair’s employer): Nope. Story about shark attacks on the rise.

Perth Now (online paper): Nope. Some person named Ward is shunning limelight.

Herald Sin: Nope. Stories about people blowing themselves up are always winners.

The Courier Mail: But Australia’s hardest-hitting newspaper, The Courier Mail, takes the cake with its top story about a Harry Potter star dating a — wait for it — EX JUNKIE!!!!1!!!!111! Which one? Dunno. Didn’t read it.

Brazen hypocrisy going on over at Andrew Bolt’s blog-of-shame. This is Andrew getting all grumpy and sanctimonious about the rigging of a Herald Sun online poll yesterday:

The question put by the Herald Sun: ”Should gay couples have the same rights as married couples?”

The answer? Mailouts are good for a few hundred votes:

From: Sally Goldner
Date: Dec 5, 2007 9:55 AM
Subject: [appetitefordeconstruction] Opinion poll - relationships
To: Appetitefordeconstruction Yahoogroup, Bi-Victoria Yahoogroup , Queergreen Yahoogroup

I note the following opinion poll on the Herald Sun website this morning.

Time to vote!! http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/opinion

Cheers

Neil

Didn’t these activists trust the public to choose right?

And here’s Andrew today ordering his readers to go and rig a Greenpeace online poll:

Reader Dave needs your help for a worthy cause:

Greenpeace are running this promo thing where they’re choosing a name for a humpback whale, to increase awareness etc. etc.

At the moment the name that is topping the votes is Mr Splashy Pants.

But the hippies are starting to get angry, and pushing for crap names that have deep and symbolic meaning…like Nurani , Veikko and Aurora.

So please get behind “Mr Splashy Pants” and cast your vote today!!

Please. Although it’s odd that Greenpeace thinks “humpback whale” won’t do. Shouldn’t it be more tolerant of the differently abled?

Doesn’t this hypocritical columnist trust the public to choose right?

UPDATE: As John Surname points out in comments, Bolta has posted a pathetic defence of his hypocrisy:

I am utterly consistent. Yesterday I revealed the Herald Sun poll on gay rights was being rigged, and today I announce the Greenpeace poll on whales is being rigged. It’s all about disclosure.

Is that supposed to be funny?

Like The Editor, I happened to read the Herald Sun today. There was a spare one on the train seat. Although I didn’t notice any advertisements from the latest in whacko I’ve-got-a-business-therefore-I-know-what’s-best-for-the-country political parties, I did notice that the very moral Herald Sun helped out it’s readers who obviously don’t know what a stripper looks like.

They did this by illustrating almost every article or opinion piece about Kevin’s indiscretion with a scantily clad stripper, six in total. One piece was deemed so worthy it had four strippers in it’s heading alone. The letters page was illustrated with another stripper, as if everybody needed to be reminded what they were indignant about.

“Golly Moses!” they will splutter into their tea “Kevin Rudd saw BREASTS!”

Maybe they’re jealous. I sure wish I was looking at breasts right now.

I’m not sure what to make of this - the joke of an editorial condemns Rudd, yet they appeal to the lowest common denominator by printing numerous images of half-naked women.

Pathetic tabloid journalism, but I guess I should stop expecting better of the Sun.

There’s been a whole lotta hubbub about the Daily Telegraph’s abandoned baby headline yesterday: “How Could She”. Beyond Blue spokesperson Jeff Kennett slammed the tabloid for such sensationalist and uninformed stupidity while The Man Of Steel got in on the action pretty quick to give it his big ol’ Rodent tick of approval, saying: “In defence of the Tele, that’s what most people say. I feel for the mother, I feel for the baby, I feel for the woman’s family, but fair go to the Tele — after all, that is the natural reaction. How could you abandon a little baby?”

I took a look at the Daily Telegraph’s sister newspaper, the Herald Sun, at work this morning and it is curious to note how keen the Hun is to distance itself from its stablemate’s stance. In its front page story the paper doesn’t mention the Tele’s headline at all, simply noting that Kennett and Howard “locked horns” over “criticism of the mother.” Even Howard’s tick-of-approval comment was twice doctored to remove any mention of the Tele:

Above headline
“But, fair go… How could you abandon a little baby?”

In story
“I feel for the mother, I feel for the baby, I feel for the woman’s family, but, fair go . . . that is the natural reaction,” [Howard] said. “How could you abandon a little baby?”

The Herald Sun, fearless as always: won’t agree with the Tele’s views but won’t criticise them either.

Trawling around the blogosphere (Hi, Slipheed!) unearths some weird and wonderful things. How’s the form of this guy who runs a blog called Double-Think ranting about left-wing media bias in a post called “The Age show their stripes”?

The state of modern journalism in general is appalling. Students of journalism and media, across the country and in many tertiary institutes, are not taught one of the most basic principles of news reporting - separating opinion from fact.

There is room for editorials and opinion pieces. In fact, there is a huge demand by readers to read different opinion pieces. But news is news, and the front pages of newspapers are supposed to be free from editorializing, colorful language, spin, cartoons and imagery.

The Age and SMH are 2 of the worst newspapers in Australia, because they proudly violate this concept on a near daily basis. The left wing hatred and cynicism towards Howard, climate change hysteria, animosity towards liberty and capitalism pervade almost every paragraph.

Hang on, I thought. Surely this dude can’t seriously contend that News Ltd. tabloids don’t regularly and proudly violate these very golden rules he speaks of?

The Herald Sun also editorialize their headlines, but with a different bias - a more patriotic and nationalistic one. Its usually focussed on demonising criminals and social misfits, as “monsters”, and celebrating soldiers, patriots and the winners of awards as valiant heroes.

Patriotism, nationalism and valour. Oh, well, that’s all right then.

The tagline of the Double-Think blog is:

“Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them”. - George Orwell.

Obviously our blogging mate is demonstrating this principal in his writing for our ease of understanding.

“Look! More lefty, vegetarian, socialist groupthink!” shrieks Andrew Bolt, pointing towards The Age’s daily poll which, shock horror, shows that Age readers tend to hold anti-John Howard opinions.

Now, I’m no fan of The Age’s daily poll. I think it’s just another symptom of that paper’s ongoing descent into a dark and smelly pit of lifestyle fluff, celebrity “news”, triumph of advertising bait over genuine content, and sensationalism. You doubt me? Check out some of these hard-hitting questions from recent editions:

“Roman holiday? : Does Amanda Vanstone deserve a plum diplomatic post?”

“Goodbye wave? : Should the Mexican wave be banned at the MCG?”

“Offshore Blunnies : Will you still buy Blundstones once the company moves its manufacturing offshore?”

“Caffeinated cola : Should the caffeine be removed from Coca-Cola?”

“Etiquette : Do Melburnians display a lack of manners on public transport?”

“Eve fatigue : Is New Year’s Eve overrated?”

“THE GREATEST? : Is Shane Warne the greatest bowler of all time?”

Kill me now. These pathetic attempts to involve the reader are so hot right now. I mean, even SBS has them in its tarted-up 6:30pm supernews (with super ad breaks).

(And speaking of SBS’s supernews, does Stan Grant’s hypercolour fake tan make anybody else’s eyes hurt?)

But back to Bolta and his global lefty groupthink conspiracy theory. You see, according to Bolta The Age and the ABC are the only news organisations on earth that attract a majority of their readers/ viewers from the same sphere of political belief. You’d never see a pathetic reader poll on the pages of the Hun with results leaning heavily towards conservative opinion. And do you know why? They never make sense: