Quite frankly, given Brendan Nelson’s atrocious performance in doorstop and radio interviews it surprises me that the Liberal party even put transcripts on their website. But if they’re going to put them up they should put them up intact. Here’s a snippet from Nelson’s doorstop in Gippsland today according to the Libs.

QUESTION: Are you confident you’ll be leading the Liberals at the next election?

DR NELSON: Yes, very confident.

But here’s the same snippet according to The Age.

Asked if he was confident he would be leading the opposition to the next election, he said: “As confident as I can… yes, very confident.”

See how they’ve cunningly left out the bit that makes the good doctor look like (more of a) dick?

If you need any more proof here’s some ABC footage (at 2min 06sec) of the doctored statement in question.

Oh, and here’s another interesting chunk of the transcript.

QUESTION: [inaudible]

DR NELSON: Instant a lot of the time.

What’s the bet that the question was “what kind of coffee do you drink?” in response to this statement of Nelson’s earlier in the doorstop?

The Labor Party has a track record of being captivated and high-jacked by left leaning, latte sippers in large suburban cities.

And what’s the bet that the question wasn’t actually inaudible?

Brendan Nelson is proving to be a real warrior in doorstop interviews. First there was this ominous warning to “just watch.” Then there was his notorious “I’m going nowhere” declaration. And then there was this awesome articulation of a “nothing” plan.

But this snippet of comedy genius that wouldn’t sound out of place in a Monty Python sketch is the “alternative Prime Minister” of the country fending off the hard questions.

QUESTION: Dr Nelson were you aware that in 2007 the Australian Defence Department hired mercenaries to work for it?

DR NELSON: No I’m not.

QUESTION: It’s your department, surely you’d, you would have been across it?

DR NELSON: Well I won’t comment on it.

QUESTION: So were you aware of anything?

DR NELSON : Well as I say I won’t comment on it and I’m not aware of it.

QUESTION: Why won’t you comment?

DR NELSON: Well I don’t have to. So I don’t need to.

What an absolute corker! He didn’t know about it, then he wouldn’t comment on what he didn’t know about, then he delivers a primary school knockout blow in, “Well I don’t have to. So I don’t need to.” I bet that poor reporter needed an icepack and a beer after that one.

At least when Nelson’s unceremoniously dumped from leadership in the next few months he can start rehearsing for his comedy festival gig next year.

Wouldn’t mind a bit more detail on this so-called “plan”, Bren-doc.

QUESTION: Do you have a long term plan then to boost the popularity levels?

DR NELSON: I most certainly have a long term plan and that plan is for Australia and Australia’s best interests. And there’s nothing [inaudible].

Prodos has been very active in a comment thread of this website over the past week, defending his viewpoints without ever resorting to childish insults. Besides from utterly destroying the arguments of people like John Surname and Bridgit Gread by telling them to think (you see, Prodos truly believes that he is the only person on earth who thinks, and that everyone else is unable, too lazy or too stupid to do the same), Prodos used a sound effect (.wav) of a toilet flushing (called “flush_the_editor_down_the_loo”) to conclude his argument that I am a poo. It’s this intellect of titanic proportions that makes all of us here at GrodsCorp tremble.

Over the years Prodos has left a vast spiderweb of footprints all over the internet and I have a long list of URLs pointing to Prodos bizareness. Going through this list this morning I rediscovered an interview that Prodos did with a New Zealand website called Free Radical in 2001. The interview is worth quoting from extensively because it’s brilliant in the extreme. The title of this post is a direct quote of Prodos talking about himself.

Perhaps the most interesting question and answer in the interview is this:

Free Radical: In Australia you face the imminent prospect of a Labour (sic) Government. Could it be much worse than the weasel-worded appeasement of John Howard’s Liberals?

Prodos: Personally, I don’t get that excited about politics or politicians. I don’t think they’re that relevant. At least not to the work that I do.

And yet, five years later Prodos is shouting “John Howard Forever!”, is a Liberal Party member, and is desperately running for election in any federal or State seat that presents itself.

The next thing that jumps out of the interview is instant hypocrisy. Near the beginning Prodos says, “I’m not the proselytising type… It just isn’t my cup of tea.” yet by the end he is explaining his efforts to convert the (unthinking?) masses to the cause of capitalism through his Walk For Capitalism campaign. Prodos’ conversion mindset is revealed when he says, “It’s a tough battle ahead, but with Ayn Rand at our side, I am hopeful that victory will be ours.”

However, the strongest theme in Prodos’ interview is humility. Talking about his “radio show” (actually just audio files downloadable from a website) Prodos says this:

I am the greatest. I am the best. No other show even comes close. Many thousands of listeners log on to PRODOS.COM every day.

It’s impossible to keep up with my fan mail from all over the world: India, Norway, France, Japan, the UK, Israel, lots from the USA, everywhere, everybody loves PRODOS!

Those shows must be pretty awesome. They’re still online at prodos.com (scroll waaaaay down the page to find them) so go have a listen to find out for yourself. Two of my personal favourites include How to find love and romance and What exactly is Coca Cola?. You simply must listen to the Coca Cola show for the bit where Prodos opens a can of Cola and analyses the fizzing sound.

And finally, Prodos talks the talk of capitalism but does he walk the walk?

I’m actually terrible at making or saving money.

No.

Clearly impressed by Lachlan Connor’s radio interview some months ago, Prodos has followed his trailblazing lead and done a 1am phone interview with radio station Triple R. Make sure you listen to the interview all the way through to the end for an encore performance of Prodos’ hard rock MIDI campaign tune.