In October last year John Surname tried to review Sanitarium Nutmeat but couldn’t bring himself to eat it, so he offered $5 to anyone who would.

Seeing as I don’t enjoy the taste of ground-up testicles, I’m going to give Nutmeat a miss. Anyone game? There could be a fiver in it.

Challenge accepted.

Step one: buy can.

Dog food for humans

Step two: open can.

Make sure you protect your nose from the stench

Step three: stab mouthful of Nutmeat with fork.

The consistency of Pal

Step four: insert into mouth.

Resist gag reflex

Step five: chew and swallow.

Like vomiting in reverse

Step six: claim money.

Where’s my five bucks, Surname?

Some people say that the Large Hadron Collider is later today going to end the world by sucking the planet up its own arse. Most scientists say we’re perfectly safe, and Bruce is so confident the world’s not ending that he’s not having sex today. Not even a blow job.

But John Surname is not so sure. Even though he’s trying to look all casual by making lame jokes about giant krill and stuff, he has recorded his last words in this world for posterity just in case the world does end. And how fine the words are.

Seriously, U2, just fuck off.

So what will you do or say today to mark the end of the world?

This is the inane kind of group email chat that the GrodsTeam use to occupy their Friday mornings.

Chuck A. Spear: People who call me “champ” IRL piss me off to no end. Cunts.

John Surname: and “sport”.

Keri: I hate sweetheart or darl.

John Surname: and let’s not forget “gangsta”. Don’t ever call me that. I’ll fuck you up.

Keri: Or J-Dog.

Jeremy: I hate “sexy”.

Keri: Well if you will work in a strip-club, Jeremy.

John Surname: You must get sick of that one.

Jeremy: It’s not just at work, Keri.

John Surname: Tip to Jeremy – if you work in a nightclub, you will get hit on.

Jeremy: I’m considering changing fields a little, and going back to soliciting.

Keri: It must be so hard being you.

Discuss.

Overheard in a Gmail chat between The Editor and Keri this afternoon.

Keri: Last night [John Surname] was telling me that Monty Python had “little cultural impact”

The Editor: He is totally fucking dropped as my friend

Keri: I nearly had a stroke
Then he went on to tell me that the Simpsons was the finest comedy ever made and had a major cultural impact whilst MP didn’t
And that it was all filler

The Editor: He is retarded in the head

Keri: That’s an insult to retards.

The Editor: I’m so blogging this conversation

Discuss.

Has anybody else noticed that John Surname (Surnaam, Tsunami etc.) has been unusually quiet over the last few weeks? I think I’ve found the explanation.

HUNDREDS of university students in Victoria have turned to prostitution to pay their way through higher education, The Sunday Age has learnt.

And why not? John’s a good lookin’ guy with a tight bod and a way with words. What better way to pay for those expensive textbooks and living expenses and have time left over for study?

When contacted for comment regarding this story John said that his employer will give a discount to anybody who mentions “GrodsCorp” when making their booking.

Obviously the thrill of being Corey Delaney for a few days wasn’t enough for John Surname.

An Australian man who claimed to be on board a British Airways jet which crash-landed at London’s Heathrow airport is reportedly a hoaxer.

Ninemsn reports that a Sky News spokesman in the UK now says that the Australian who called himself Jason Johnson was a prankster who decided to have a laugh at the network’s expense.
(source)

Read the amusing tale of how Random Brainwave’s John Surname and Prophet impersonated party boy Corey Delaney for a laugh and, without really trying, fooled major mainstream media outlets in Britain and the United States.

Receiving a promotion (demotion?) from GrodsReader to GrodsTeamMember is Ant Rogenous who will join John Surname, Bridgit Gread and I in writing for Australia’s bluest-and-orangest blog.

Welcome, Ant!

The votes are in and Magic Bellybutton has bodyslammed John Surname 14 votes to 8 in GrodsCageFight 2. She takes home this handcrafted trophy jpeg and can place it in a dark, smelly corner of her blog that nobody looks at.

Thanks to the judges, timekeepers, coaches and parents.

GrodsCageFight 2: That politics and religion should be separated

John Surname

vs.

Magic Bellybutton

So the speakers have spoken and the debate has been debated. It’s time for you, dear GrodsReader, to review the speeches and vote for the blogger that you think is the master debater. Votes will be tallied and a winner declared at COB Thursday.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Third negative: John Surname

As usual, Magic Bellybutton is resorting to lame gimmicks in order to trick you into thinking she’s right. She isn’t. She’s the opposite of right. She’s wrong. And here’s why.

Her pathetic attempts to try and discredit God are making him angry.

But it’s not just that. His feelings have mellowed in his ancient age (he is, after all, 6000 years old). Now he is feeling something else.

Sadness.

A tear leaks from his eye.

The tear turns into a flood.

The flood wipes out one of those loser countries that no one but Tim Costello cares about.

That’s right, Magic Bellybutton made God cry!

After all He’s done for her. Given her a place to live. Watched over her. Provided her with food. Watched her in the shower.

And this is how she repays him!

God builds THE UNIVERSE. Is a little faith too much to ask? A little meddling in politics? After all, He just wants whats best for you. What’s best for you does not include cloning, abortion, gays, sodomy, rainbow suspenders, Random Brainwave, black people, and Jews (yes, they’re wrong).

And yet, everyone is angry at him, from Richard Dawkins to Kerry O’Brien. The only people who even have faith anymore are those annoying hip-hop “artists”who thank him at the Grammy Awards, but let me tell you, God hates rap and he hates the Grammy awards.
So, stop thinking about yourselves. Think about the little people. Do you really want your children to grow up in a world of abortion-on-demand, rainbow-suspenders-on-demand and cloning-on-demand?

I didn’t think so!

Vote 1 – Vote GOD!

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Third affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

Since John is stubbornly refusing to see reason (and really, it is to be expected from people such as him), I’m just going to have to resort to treating this in exactly the same way as him – like a game

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

FreedomJeopardy!

Rules are simple. There will be 5 answers. You must work out the correct question to go with this answer. Host is the host, Playa is the contestant. The money you win goes towards getting your family out of Iraq and away from America’s crusade.

First answer.

Playa: I’ll take Megalomaniacal Delusions for $100 thanks Host

Host: Ordered great monuments to be built by slaves as they were rulers seen as gods on earth.

Playa: Who are the Pharaohs?

Host: Correct.

***We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news. Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced that Steve Fielding is to be crowned King of Australia. We will give you more information as it comes to hand.***

Second answer.

Playa: I’ll take Random Acts of Catholicism for $200 thanks.

Host: No one expects this.

Playa: What is the Spanish Inquisition?

Host: Correct.

***This just in. Starting immediately, all laws will be reviewed to ensure that they adhere to God’s Will. All non-Christians, Homosexuals, Feminists and Pinko Lefties are to report to their nearest police station immediately for bar-coding and processing.***

Third answer.

Playa: I’ll take Utter Bastards for $400 please.

Host: Sycophants who can easily be bought by the Exclusive Brethren for a cup of coffee at Gloria Jeans

Playa: Who is the Australian Liberal Party?

Host: Correct!

***More breaking news: Fred Nile will be assisting the King in this review, while Cardinal George Pell has been given special permission from the Pope himself to be Australia’s High Inquisitor.***

Fourth answer.

Playa: How about…Religion = Stupidity for $300!

Host: He claimed that the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq were missions from God.

Playa: Who is George W Bush?

Host: Correct!

***Women’s health groups are up in arms at the announcement that all stocks of contraceptive pills will be destroyed. Furthermore, the King has issued orders that effective immediately, any woman seeking to terminate a pregnancy (or possible pregnancy) for any reason is to be placed in a Federal Maternity Care Facility. These facilities are to ensure the health of the mother while she carries the child to full-term. Extensive counselling from on-site chaplains will be available for all expectant mothers.***

Final answer!

Playa: I’ll take “Always Right” for $500 thanks Host

Host: She is always right no matter what John Surname may otherwise claim.

Playa: Who is Magic Bellybutton?

Host: Correct! Yes, not a well known question that one. I’m really impressed you knew it.

Playa: Magic Bellybutton is the shit.

Host: But of course.

Six months later:

In the end, everyone was bent to His will. The King has spoken and those who failed to comply soon found that life was very difficult for them. The world grew very dark. Anyone suspected of non-conformity was labelled Un-Australian and found themselves to be under investigation from Cardinal Pell’s Righteous Rulers Special Service. Many people disappeared and were never seen by their friends for family again.

The King looked over his domain and smiled to himself. Everyone is happy when they have the right morals imposed on them. They come to understand that there is only One Way.

He turned around and went into his bedroom. Now, where did he put that Baby Jesus Butt Plug?

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second negative: John Surname

Sorry this post is late.

You see, last night I was visited by the Ghost Of Christmas Past. He visits every year to teach me the meaning of Christmas, and to also remind about why I should feed the cat. We also talked about how MB stole the premise of her response from the Michael Moore book Stupid White Men. It was so obviously fake. Like God is a woman and emails bloggers.

“Fooooor shaaaaaaame!!” he cried.

Despite what MB wants you to believe, religion and politics have been entwined forever. Since the days of the Egyptians, religious rules have guided the laws, and without question, they have been a smashing success.

The moment that we remove religion from politics, and allow laws to be made for logical instead of moral reasons is the day that we live as animals. If we removed religion from politics unspeakable things would happen:

1. Homosexuals would get rights
Where would we be if a bunch of immoral pillow biters were given the same rights as ordinary humans? We all know that teh gays are out to corrupt us all with their homosexual lifestyle. We know that teh gays want to teach Buggery 101 at primary schools. We know that on average gay people are less moral than normal people. If we allowed them to marry each other, the world would collapse upon itself. It is a ridiculous notion, since they all choose their sexual orientation anyway. They need to be taught how to be straight. It’s a lot more effective than giving them basic human rights.

2. Magazines
Think about how the magazines would feel? If there was no religion, they wouldn’t be able to report on pastors smoking crystal meth and screwing male prostitues. The editors wouldn’t be able to feed their children, who subsequently would starve to death. This would cause a chain famine and the entire world would collapse.

3. Football
Football is a religion to some morons. Politicians pretend to like football in order to get votes. Steve Fielding suggested that Geelong build a giant football, which makes you wonder what the hell he is smoking.

Oh, yeah. Crack.

If you take football out of politics all you will wind up with is a large population of disenchanted bogans who refuse to vote because the politicians won’t connect with them.

So they get carted off to gaol, away from their families. Their children respond badly, and start using drugs to quell the pain. Before long they’re dealing. Then they’re also in gaol. This creates a generational problem in which the entire fabric of society tears and the universe collapses upon itself.

Thus, I submit to you that removing religion from politics would lead to the destruction of the universe.

Thank you.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

I’d like to thank John for letting everyone know that I was right.

What, you didn’t catch it? Go back and reread what he wrote.

Did you see it?

Yes Virginia, he said I used a “fake” hypothetical.

Given that a hypothetical is by its very nature based on an untruth, by saying mine was fake he was actually saying it was a fake fake, that is, true. Thank you, John. Much appreciated.

Now funnily enough, I got an email on Friday from a most unexpected correspondent. They asked that I pass a message on to you. Given who it was, I couldn’t bring myself to say no (click for larger, more readable image):

Now, anyone who says you cannot do things because of something that is written in the Bible is a dickhead of the highest order. (That’s right, I swear. Those of you who are shocked really need to move with the times. Geez.) Furthermore, when it is a politician (why I created them I do not know. They are sooooo skeezy. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes.) When it is a politician who is telling you what you can and cannot do and they are using my novel as the basis for their fascist dictates, they are really crossing the line. Pete (St Peter) is under strict instructions not to let them into Heaven – we don’t need their kind here. Seriously. They’re a Downer. (Heh heh. See what I did there?)

Anyway, religion and politics do not belong together. It was never intended that way. Religion is really just a way for those lacking imagination and intelligence to deal with day-to-day life. I notice that John speaks (in My Name no less!) of Tony Abbott. Man, that guy really gives me the shits. How dare he tell women what they can do with their bodies! And governments have no right to say you cannot marry the person you love. My Me!

Religion is not the moral yardstick of the populace. There are some obvious things that you just don’t do (if I have to spell them out, then we need to talk) and I generally find most people are moral by nature. It is instinctive to do the right thing and not harm others. As you were growing out of the primordial ooze billions of years ago, I made a deal with Mother (Nature) that you would develop what is now called a conscience. Your own personal morals are what should guide you in most cases, and politicians have no right to dictate to you what your morals should be. As long as you are not harming anyone or anything, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Politicians need to stick to what they allegedly know best – how to run the country, making sure that ALL people are looked after, regardless of race, religion, bank balance, gender or sexuality.

In addition, I do not tell people to go to war. War is the very last resort. Like when that horrid Adolf started persecuting Jews and saying they were “dirty”. (Now there’s a man who knew what dirty was. You should have seen the stuff he and Eva got up to in that bunker!) His behaviour towards the Jews was completely immoral and people were right to ensure that his evil did not spread further. I’m still trying to clean up the mess he made. And he was a politician.

Don’t mix your politics and religion. I don’t want to come back down there.

(Oh, and I would NEVER talk to that moron George W Bush. What a tool. Mo’ – Mohammed – hates him too. Keeps bugging me to smite his arse. But I’m trying to cut down on the smiting. Gives me indigestion.)

She went on a bit more but it’s not really relevant here. I’ll post the rest of Her email on my blog this weekend. She really is quite entertaining! (How did I know it was Her? She knew things I’ve never told a soul.)

I’ve managed to make it nearly 32 years without acting immorally. And I don’t even try that hard to be moral. It comes naturally. I’m offended that politicians would make laws based on a religion that I find irrelevant. They trust us to vote them in, they should trust us to behave in the best interests of not just ourselves, but others.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First negative: John Surname

“And God said, let there be light! And Lo, there was. The Lord was very pleased with this new invention, because now he could get a suntan. But he wasn’t finished yet. He knew he would have to find something to fuck up his creation. It was too perfect for the humans he was yet to create. The Lord stood to his full height and thundered “LET THERE BE POLITICIANS!”

Good morning distinguished guests, bloggers and assorted riff-raff. I am John Surname and for the next 600 words I’d like to present the negative side of this debate.

You see, what Magic Bellybutton knows and essentially ignored is that God is the original politician. He is the ultimate politician. You can protest. You can demand a recount. You can even vote for the Greens, but He has declared himself President-For-Life and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Just like John Howard, God believes in the illusion of choice. We can vote Labor, and we can vote Liberal, we can even vote for God’s favourite party, Family First but it doesn’t make any difference as He is still calling the shots as leaders from all parties are too pathetic and lowly to reject Him.

God not only believes in capital punishment, He invented it. If you tried to pull any shit in His time he would smite you with a thunderbolt from the sky. God also invented Homophobia, and hasn’t that one lasted? In fact, many of our laws today derive from His parchment, The Best Little Whorehouse in Sodom (later renamed the Bible).

My esteemed opponent chose to imagine what life would be like if politics were controlled by a fake religion. That is rubbish. Scientology will never be in control as He wouldn’t allow it. Instead of making up fake hypotheticals, let’s see what good religion has done in politics:

1. Tony Abbott.
Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. His loyal devotion to the Lord, and opposition to RU486 (known by God as Satan’s Pill) has earned him a special place in Heaven. The Lord believes that we should all strive to be more like Tony Abbott, and less like 50 Cent.

2. The Crusades.
Although the Crusades weren’t always successful, the Lord thought they were awesome and absolutely supported their aims. Even though they never took back the Holy Lands, the Crusaders got the last laugh as they are in Heaven, and the Muslims, like all Muslims, are burning in Hell.

3. The Iraq War
The Iraq War was an excellent piece of foreign policy that tops the achievements of the glorious Bush Administration. Bush has been reported as saying that God told him to do it. My source tells me this is entirely true.

4. Family First.
The Lord thinks Family First are, quote, “Lyk totally genius man!”. His favourite part is the clever way they hide their religious beliefs under the banner of “families”. God thinks this is hilarious because He doesn’t give a shit about families, Hell, he even allowed his own son to die. The truth of the matter is, Family First are a prank played on us by Steve Fielding (in consultation with God). I mean, how to do you think Steve Fielding wound up in the Senate? You can’t tell me there wasn’t more than a little divine intervention there!

In concluding, it frankly doesn’t matter what you do or who you vote for, as the moral standards He set down thousands of years ago still govern our lives today. He is President-For-Life and will remain so until the Sun swallows the Earth is a spectacular lightshow that we will all miss, but he will enjoy quite thoroughly.