After the most recent GrodsCastThink was completed, Ant Rogenous suddenly slammed down his beer, grabbed us all by the scruff of our necks (he’s big) and demanded to know, under threat of torture, Julie Bishop - tap?

What do you think fellow GrodsReaders?

They’re replaying edited highlights (or lowlights, as the case may be) of the Liberal campaign launch on ABC. Here are my thoughts…

* JHo: “My fellow Australians.” Spew.
* JHo: “This election is about the future… despite how great the past is.” It always comes back to the past doesn’t it, John?
* Costello: “Economic storm clouds on the horizon that will increase inflation, interest rates and unemployment. But we will decrease inflation, interest rates and unemployment.”
* JHo: “Family is the cornerstone of society.” And that’s why you’re force-feeding middle class welfare pork down families’ throats, despite Australia “no longer being a welfare state.”
* Vaile: Sorry, missed that. Went to sleep.
* Abbot: Is doing his interview in the rain holding an umbrella that has stars and moons all over it. Bwah hah hah!
* JHo: “We will give you nine billion bucks to bribe you to vote for us. Um, actually, what I mean is education, child care, Great Australian Dream and other stuff like that. Family, family, family.”
* Howard, never one to attract the term “charismatic”, is actually looking (if it’s possible) less charismatic than normal. He looks about as inspiring as the flotation ball inside my toilet cistern.
* JHo: “New homeowners shouldn’t pay for infrastructure that benefits them and the wider community.” So you’ll make those homeowners pay through their tax payments instead, John? This is appalling policy.
* Julie Bishop is on the telly telling me that parents have the right to choose the quality of their kids’ schools. And what sort of choice do parents have when state schools are desperately underfunded, Julie?
* JHo to the rescue — he’s going to make independent school fees tax deductible. Problem fixed then.
* JHo: “Fees and levies that have crept into the public school system.” Why do you think public schools have to charge those fees and levies, you great, fucking cockhead of a man?
* JHo: “Indigenous intervention has brought to an end 20-30 years of problems.” I think it’s been going on longer than that, John. Also, you had ten-and-a-half years to fix it before that — why didn’t you?
* JHo: “To continue to decide who comes to this nation.” Anyone but those dirty, fightin’ Sudanese if Kevin Andrews has anything to do with
* Downer: “If the terrorists win there will terrible consequences.” Dickhead.
* JHo: “Tough on drugs.” Ruddock just appeared on screen to back up Howard’s words. He looks as ghoulish as ever.
* Kevin Andrews: “We must protect our way of life.” Your way of life is nothing like mine, Kev, so stop trying to impose yours upon me via Parliament. Get your rosaries off my ov… um, testicolies.
* JHo: “UNIONS! UNIONS! UNIONS! COAST-TO-COAST LABOR! BOO!”
* The closing music sounds like the elevator muzak you hear over the top of 1980s telemovies on Channel Seven at midday.

Watching that made me feel genuinely sick. The sun will shine on Australia if the coalition is no longer in charge on 25 November.

Alright, then. Kruddy’s turn.

7:27pm – 21 with early cloud in Melbourne tomorrow. Ian Henderson wearing his trademark hideous hypercolour tie.

7:29pm – Jim Middleton wearing a tie made from carpet.

7:31pm – Krudd’s tie is very blue and reflective. Kate Ellis looking over Krudd’s shoulder and looking saucy as always.

7:32pm – Krudd attacks Howard’s eyesight: “lack of long-term vision.”

7:33pm – BAM! Kruddy hits his main themes straight away: globalisation, technology and climate change.

7:35pm – The “fair go”. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

7:37pm – Labor reckons it has found $3 billion in savings. Howard’s eyebrow trimming? Pete’s tanning lounge? Tony’s rosaries?

7:38pm – Some goon on the government side of the house just yelled out “there’s no mining boom.”

7:40pm – Airline analogy is killing me.

7:41pm – EDUCATION REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!

7:43pm – No difference between a uni degree and a trade certificate. Did you get that, swinging voters? Not elitist.

7:44pm – Lots of trade workshops for all secondary schools. Not bad.

7:47pm – Whoah! Kruddy went pretty close to Latham’s “learning or earning” there.

7:48pm – Broadband will “turbo charge” growth. Gnarly.

7:49pm – Has anybody else noticed that Kruddy comes across as significantly more economically dry than Petey Costello?

7:51pm – Tahsands lfffff fndk slsdklkfdslfksd jjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjj ggggggggggggg hghghghgh gggggggggggggggg

7:53pm – Sorry. Just nodded off there for a moment.

7:55pm – Asia literate Australians. This is GOOD. Bloody good work, Kruddy.

7:58pm – Fixing Australia’s leaky pipes. Putting a bucket under Australia’s shower head. “Plugging the leaks.”

8:00pm – Wide shot reveals that Julie Bishop has opted for a more sensible grey suit tonight.

8:01pm – “The fair go out the back door.” Say that one more time, Kruddy, and I’ll vote for the Citizens’ Electoral Council.

8:02pm – Standing ovation because Kruddy’s not Kim Beazley.

8:03pm – Inspector Rex on SBS.

Now that I’ve done got me a MacBook and a wireless router I can access the intertubes from the comfort of the beanbag in my loungeroom. So here comes GrodsCorp’s minute-by-minute analysis of Peter Costello’s budget speech.

7:28pm – Story on ABC News about rhinos that won’t root at Werribee Open Range Zoo.

7:30pm – Bloody hideous opening graphics on ABC. Obviously produced with my eight cents for today but nobody else’s.

7:31pm – Pete forgot to get his assistant to check his tie.

7:32pm – Basically, before 1996 the economy was shit. but overnight (coincidentally the night Howard was elected) the economy got amazing.

7:33pm – Apparently we’ve got to look to the past to look to the future. Nice song lyric, but…

7:35pm – Kevin Rudd is a THIEF! Kevin Rudd STEALS MONEY FROM THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!

7:36pm – Shot of Julie Bishop in safety orange dress. Television explodes.

7:38pm – Performance pay for schools and $5000 bribe for teachers to take PD in Howard’s version of Australian history. 120 days of prac for trainee teachers — can’t wait to hear what schools and unions have to say about that.

7:41pm – Pete looks tired. Needs a Berocca and exposure to sunlight.

7:43pm – Tax cuts. “I pay my taxes!”

7:46pm – Profile of Pete reveals hunch in back. Needs to drink milk.

7:48pm – Roads, roads, roads. Howard has a little chuckle to himself after a particularly gentlemanly “hear, hear.” Teeth nearly slip out side of mouth.

7:50pm – Howard reading over Mark Vaile’s shoulder like a dude on the train reading somebody else’s MX.

7:52pm – 16 extra dentists in regional areas! We’re saved!

7:53pm – Pete starts talking about climate change; Howard starts looking shifty. Shot of Malcolm Turnbull reveals he is sitting as far away from Joe Hockey as possible. Must be a sweaty day in Parliament.

7:55pm – Government working hard to tackle climate change overseas because that doesn’t cost a single mining or forestry job over here.

7:58pm – Drought: cue sombre voice.

7:59pm – Army: continue sombre voice. Shot of Brendan Nelson — forehead appears to have grown larger. Obviously some kind of elephantitis.

8:00pm – Purchase of new Super Hornets to “ensure air superiority in the region Australia.”

8:01pm – Credit to small business and employers. Because employees have nothing to do with the success of business.

8:02pm – Weak round of applause from House. Weak cough from Pete. Cue grade seven digital literacy project ABC opening graphics and cue Tony Jones’ hideous tie.

8:05pm – Metallica documentary on ABC2.

Seriously, does a day pass at the moment without our national government attacking Australian education standards, curricula or teachers? Education minister Julie Bishop did it on Wednesday, The Man Of Steel got into it yesterday, and all on the back of a long, hot summer of teacher bashing.

Launching Kevin Donnelly’s book Dumbing Down yesterday, Howard fell back on his well worn themes of “relativism” in English and rampant leftism in the humanities. This man is seriously pining for the good old days of the 50s and is clearly out of touch with anything resembling the real world as it stands in the — gasp — 21st century. The sooner we put Howard in a retirement home (full of white, Anglo residents so it resembles the Australia he feels comfortable with) the sooner this country can stop looking backwards with blinkers on.

Oh, and I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read that Kevin Donnelly was “the thinking man’s Andrew Bolt.” That would’ve got Bolta frothing at the mouth with specks of snot flying out his nose while reading The Age over cornflakes this morning.

Congratulations to education minister Julie Bishop for calling on schools to teach civility and manners. We’ve long ago given up on laying any responsibility for children’s upbringing with parents and with civility and manners completely absent from public institutions such as parliament it is our schools that are now the last line of defence against values-neutral and bad mannered kids.

It’s simple, according to Headmistress Bishop. All the kids have to do is wear a uniform, respect society’s institutions, and take part in the singing of the national anthem as a normal and solemn part of school life.

And final proof that John Howard’s newest General in his culture wars has never stepped foot inside a classroom:

Some people might think that it doesn’t matter if children are taught manners and encouraged to say please and thank you and apologise when they have wronged another, but if we are to institutionalise civility we must ensure that schools are reinforcing community standards and common values.

If it wasn’t so serious it would be funny.