Alright, then. Kruddy’s turn.

7:27pm – 21 with early cloud in Melbourne tomorrow. Ian Henderson wearing his trademark hideous hypercolour tie.

7:29pm – Jim Middleton wearing a tie made from carpet.

7:31pm – Krudd’s tie is very blue and reflective. Kate Ellis looking over Krudd’s shoulder and looking saucy as always.

7:32pm – Krudd attacks Howard’s eyesight: “lack of long-term vision.”

7:33pm – BAM! Kruddy hits his main themes straight away: globalisation, technology and climate change.

7:35pm – The “fair go”. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

7:37pm – Labor reckons it has found $3 billion in savings. Howard’s eyebrow trimming? Pete’s tanning lounge? Tony’s rosaries?

7:38pm – Some goon on the government side of the house just yelled out “there’s no mining boom.”

7:40pm – Airline analogy is killing me.

7:41pm – EDUCATION REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!

7:43pm – No difference between a uni degree and a trade certificate. Did you get that, swinging voters? Not elitist.

7:44pm – Lots of trade workshops for all secondary schools. Not bad.

7:47pm – Whoah! Kruddy went pretty close to Latham’s “learning or earning” there.

7:48pm – Broadband will “turbo charge” growth. Gnarly.

7:49pm – Has anybody else noticed that Kruddy comes across as significantly more economically dry than Petey Costello?

7:51pm – Tahsands lfffff fndk slsdklkfdslfksd jjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjj ggggggggggggg hghghghgh gggggggggggggggg

7:53pm – Sorry. Just nodded off there for a moment.

7:55pm – Asia literate Australians. This is GOOD. Bloody good work, Kruddy.

7:58pm – Fixing Australia’s leaky pipes. Putting a bucket under Australia’s shower head. “Plugging the leaks.”

8:00pm – Wide shot reveals that Julie Bishop has opted for a more sensible grey suit tonight.

8:01pm – “The fair go out the back door.” Say that one more time, Kruddy, and I’ll vote for the Citizens’ Electoral Council.

8:02pm – Standing ovation because Kruddy’s not Kim Beazley.

8:03pm – Inspector Rex on SBS.

A very interesting text message was just read out on ABC774 (paraphrasing): “I’m a working Australian and I don’t care about the AWB scandal. That’s just the way business is done. The media should just get over it and talk about something Australians care about.”

There is no doubt that the Cole Inquiry’s terms of reference were framed in such a way to avoid any sort of real finding against the Government. There is no doubt that the Government, as Michelle Grattan says, had its “eyes half open.” There is no doubt that the whole affair is a disgusting example of the Howard Government’s deliberate erosion of ethics and governmental standards. But you know what? The average Australian just doesn’t give a toss. And that’s why Howard, Downer and Vaile will walk away from this thing with reputations completely untarnished while Beazley, Rudd and the serious news media will do themselves no favours by banging on about an issue that the bulk of the public has moved on from.

In the last ten days there’s been so much to blog about but I’ve been locked in a battle between my final university submission due on Tuesday and the new kitten, Napoleon, who is determined to use my keyboard as his personal highway. Let’s do some GrodsNibbles.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent
We successfully shot six more episodes of LCI: Preston (as Billybob has started to call it) last Saturday, managing to rope in Greeny and a very hesitant mate of J,The’s to fill new roles. J,The’s mate was concerned that he had never acted before and would look a fool. We simply showed him the first six episodes and he felt much better. Because of this uni work the new episodes won’t be edited until next Wednesday (with a massive hangover, I’d wager) so episode seven, due Tuesday, will be delayed a day or two. Tony T. of After Grog Blog will be well pleased with episode seven. Head over and peruse his blog to find out why.

2) Climate change and Howard’s hot air
It’s been interesting to watch the Howard Government desperately scrambling to change their line on global warming over the last couple of weeks. Times like these are a reminder that maybe John Howard’s not such the smooth political operator he’s often painted to be, caught once again in a half-snooze somewhere between public opinion, his personal, outdated ideology, and secret dreams of quiet afternoons at the retirement home in front of the telly with a blankey and a warm malted milk. Unfortunately, I despair that the overwhelming majority of Australians who say they are in favour of moving to renewable energy sources will have a sudden change of heart when threatened with higher energy prices.

3) Victoria Decides ‘07
God, I hate it when the media calls elections “[insert region] Decides ‘[insert year]“. Anyway, the Victorian election is shaping up to be an absolute fizzer in the lower house with the only real question being what minor change will be made to Bracksy’s majority. Ted Baillieu is about as interesting and engaging as… well… something that is really, really uninteresting and unengaging. There was a brilliant story, I think in the paper the other day, where Ted jumped on a train to get to a policy announcement and apologised to some passengers for the media intrusion. A lady said to him, “That’s okay, we’re just trying to figure out who you are.”

Priceless.

The upper house will be interesting to watch with a wide open race for the minor parties and control. I fiercely desire any outcome except for anything to do with Family First. If Steve Fielding’s band of sneaky, duplicitous morons take balance of power I’m moving to Adelaide. At least I can vote for Kate Ellis there.

I love elections and usually get nerdlingerly excited about them but this one mostly makes me want to go back to writing my honours for the 12th hour in a row.

4) $90 million for school chaplains
Attention: Kim Beazley. Your job is to provide voters with an alternative to the government. There is so much wrong with this policy that I thought even a bumbling fool such as yourself couldn’t screw it up. At least you could’ve waited a couple of minutes after Howard announced it to give it your unconditional support. Extra big Christmas card from John and Janette this year, Kimbo.

After yesterday arguing for nuclear power generation in Australia, John Howard has executed a bodacious u-turn instead expressing support for the majority of Australians who oppose nuclear power:

“Nuclear power is part of the solution to the problem of global warming,” he said. “Those who say they’re in favour of doing something about global warming but then turn their faces against considering nuclear power are unreal.”

Surely Johnny’s not so old that he doesn’t understand the positive implications of calling somebody unreal? Just the other day I spoke to Billybob on the phone and asked him if he wanted to come to the pub for a quick post-work sharpener.
“Oh, I don’t know, Ed. I’ve got a lot of ironing to do at home and my hair is desperate for a wash,” he said.
“Caaaarn!” I begged.
“Oh, I suppose my hankies can wait until tomorrow and I’ll wear my hair up to work,” he surrendered.
“Cool, man. You’re unreal!”

UPDATE: And Johnny’s not the only one starting to use the language of yoof. Kim Beazley is the “master blaster”.

Let’s get right to the bottom of this “middle Australia” riddle.

To: Kim.Beazley.MP@aph.gov.au
From: The Editor
Sent: 18 Sep, 2006 9:36 AM
Subject: Middle Australia

Dear Mr Beazley,

Regarding your “pact with middle Australia”, can you please clarify for me who is a middle Australian? Are there any statistics that are representative of middle Australia? Further, why are you only seeking a pact with middle Australia as opposed to all Australians?

Regards,
The Editor

More news as it comes to hand.

I realise I’ve been spending a lot of time laying into Kim Beazley recently and some readers may mistakenly believe I hold more positive feelings towards the Man Of Steel.

Wrong.

The jingoistic, xenophobic, tickbox race to the bottom continues. Prime Minister John Howard says that the Government plans to toughen up migration requirements, but they will not be difficult for “fair dinkum” migrants. Along with having to wait four years instead of three to apply (just in the nick of time, Billybob), citizenship applicants will have to pass an English test to be an Aussie.

Says Howard:

“I mean the great unifying thing about this country is language, I mean our culture, the culture of any country is heavily defined by its language.

“Because along with the language comes the literature and the cultural history bound up with it.”

“It won’t become more difficult if you’re fair dinkum and most people who come to this country are fair dinkum about becoming part of the community,”

But as the recent history-in-schools debate has shown, only the Liberal-approved literature and culture will come in the bundle. It’s not fair dinkum to question the official version of the past. It’s definitely not fair dinkum to have any sort of “black armband” view of history.

So, there’s another useless and loaded term to add to our list of citizenship requirements. You must respect hard work, have mateship and be fair dinkum. Basically, don’t be different to us, even though there’s no single description of “us” and many Australians don’t possess those qualities anyway (whatever they are).

After being reported missing yesterday Kim Beazley has been sighted on the opinion pages of The Age. Accusing Amanda Vanstone of distracting attention from work visa issues by calling him a racist, Kim does the same, distracting attention from his being called a racist by focusing on work visa issues. Apparently it’s a race to the bottom in the brave new world of WorkChoices — and I can’t much argue with that.

So some ticks for Kim’s efforts to turn the debate around and have it on his terms, but some crosses for his continued oversimplification of the IR debate with lines such as this:

And in the end, this is not about xenophobia or rogue bosses — this is all about the Prime Minister’s wages race to the bottom. Labor will halt the race to the bottom by ripping up the mechanism that allows it — Australian Workplace Agreements.

And Kim even found the space in his article for an opportunistic plug for his pathetic and xenophobic values pledge policy:

But I am strongly of the view that workers who come to Australia should understand the Aussie work ethic, and a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work.

It’s one of the reasons I want these workers to sign up to these values when they come to Australia.

But most offensive is Kim’s ongoing pursuit of mediocrity, with his continued pitching of all policy to “middle Australia.” The article was bookended with claims that John Howard and WorkChoices are “delivering a one-two punch to middle Australia.” Can’t really argue with that, but I’d like to think that a Labor government would govern for all Australians, not just the middle, with a vision for greatness, not ordinariness.

Amanda Vanstone called Kim Beazley racist today and after the Bomber’s comments this week I wasn’t falling over myself to disagree with her. However, I do think that both sides of politics are a bit too keen to throw accusations and smears such as racism back and forth at each other. All day today Labor MPs were screeching “pot, kettle, black” at Mandy while John Howard refused to specifically distance himself from her comments, saying only that “this country is not a racist country.” However, the purpose of this post is not to wade into the murky waters of what constitutes racism and who are its practitioners.

My point is where the hell was Kim today? He’d been branded a racist person with racist policies and he couldn’t haul his arse out the front of Parly House for a quick retaliatory doorstop. At least, I don’t think he did. There was no sign of an interview on either SBS or ABC news tonight so I think my assumption is safe. He found the time yesterday to speak out in support of his stupid immigration values test policy but couldn’t be bothered defending his character today.

Kim Beazley’s gotta go.

Sorry, Kim Beazley, I’ve had enough. You’ve been opposition leader for the better part of a decade and I thought you’d have got your act together by now. Fair enough, you still feel bitter about having the win snatched from your waiting paws in 2001 but isn’t it time to move on? You’ve been leader this time around for over 18 months and we still don’t know what you stand for. John Howard’s advice on the weekend to state Liberal opposition leaders was this: “You’ve got to develop, over a longer period of time, an alternative policy, an alternative story as to how you want the state governed.” Good advice, Kim.

I’m a fairly keen political observer and all that comes to my mind when I try to think of your policies is: abolish AWAs, set up some sort of ISP porn filter, and boost politician superannuation to pre-Latham levels. Oh, and of course your latest split-second brainwave: put an Australian values checkbox on immigration forms.

That has got to be the lowest of the low, Kim. Instead of developing proper, considered and grown-up national security policy you put on your racist hat and populist pants and try to out-Howard John Howard.

You’re an embarrassment, Kim. Almost every single one of your policy announcements seems, at best, ill-considered and, at worst, totally reactive. It’s hard to think of anything you’ve said of any substance that wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to the Government, the unions, or somebody within your own party. And worse is the distinct impression that I get of you being somewhat disinterested and lacking passion in the job. I know you started shouting more in Question Time earlier this year but it’s quite obvious that your increased volume is nothing more than an attempt to prove that you are in possession of “ticker”.

You see, Kim, I really want to vote for Labor. I desperately want to vote for Labor. It would take something very, very big to make me vote Liberal. But, Kim, you’re doing everything you can to make me cross to the dark side.

It’s time to go, Kim, before it’s too late. Quit now so that your successor has half a chance to establish themselves before the ‘07 election.

Say what you like about Mark Latham, but at least he had a vision for the nation and the entire electorate knew exactly what he stood for. And we knew he believed in it himself.

UPDATE (6.55pm): SBS News has just reported that about 3.5 million tourists arrive each year on electronic visas and don’t fill out any visa paperwork on the plane or upon arrival. So, Kim, did your homework then?

On September 11 the slippery argument of whether Australia is safer or not after five years of “war on terror” was always going to pop up. John Howard says yes, we are safer and has called on Muslims to learn English, integrate, and denounce terrorism. Kim Beazley says no, we’re not safer and has called for tourists and immigrants to sign up to Australian values (”respect for each other, mateship, fairness, freedom and respect for our laws”), along with the teaching of Australian values to immigrant children in schools.

You see, if only all of them Muslims would become more like Steve Irwin everything would be okay and you could throw your fridge magnet out. Steve Irwin was so Australian he even died like an Australian. Does anybody else find this populist and xenophobic attitude offensive that “if only they were more like us, instead of more like them” our Way Of Life™ wouldn’t be threatened?

And what is this Way Of Life™ anyway?

But back to the point, and the superiority of Australians and Australian values. All Muslims should became Australian (because, you know, Muslim is a nationality, not a religion) because no Australian’s ever done anything contrary to our Way Of Life™ before.