Congratulations to the ONE person who chose Brendan Nelson, possibly as a joke. The rest of you are idiots and have shamed this blog with your inaccurate guessing and lack of Liberal party insider news. For shaaaaame.

Brendan Nelson has been elected to lead the Liberals further into the wilderness 45 votes to 42.

If A < B then your forehead is too big

And by the way, isn’t Brendan an ex-union boss? Ahhh, the delicious irony.

Don’t forget to vote on who you think will lead the demoralised and broken Liberal party. Entries close tomorrow morning!

Update: Disappointing news from the Vatican. Surely Malcolm Turnbull has no serious competitors?

Update 2: Wise philosopher Habib comments on Tim Blair:

Slightly O/T, but Turnbull has backed saying sorry (and thus exposing taxpayers to extensive and expensive litigation), and given the nod to nobbling workplace reform, accompanied by fellow northshore (sic) fatboy knobend (sic) Joe Hockey- a display of pathetic invertabrate (sic) snivelling (sic) that’d ashame a bluebottle.

I don’t think whoever gets the leadership of the liberal party’s going to make any difference- they already were a mild centrist social democrat party, they’ll now veer further to the left, and idssapear (sic) into irrelevance as they have on a state level.

Time for a new party methinks, one that actually holds conservative/libertarian values and sticks to them.

If the option is a pack of spineless panderers and spendthrifts over the incumbent apologise-addicted drunken sailors, the ALP’s going to be in office until the place goes bankrupt and finally turns to the inevitible (sic) Mad Max 2 dystopia that the electorate richly deserves.

You heard the man. The Rudd government is going to lead to this:

But Habib don’t stop there:

Turnbull (and his idiot wife) are North Shore luvvies straight out of central casting- he’s acceptable to the left, because he agrees with a lot of their fruity ideas; I think the Liberal party’s had the dick, all the wet retards and embarrassing cretins like Petro Georgiou, Bruce Baird and Dana Vaile got back in while more conservative (and effective) types like Mal Brough got the arse.

BTW, I don’t think any party has the right to apologise (and thus expose to litigation) to anyone on behalf of taxpayers without getting their approval (via referendum) to do so- I’ll be fucked if I say sorry for something that’s none of my responsibility, particularly when the actions being apologised for saved lives and educated the alleged “victims”.

Get ready for a return to Keatingesque black armband bollocks big time.

There, there. It’ll be okay. No one’s expecting you to take any responsibility, we know it’s beyond you.

In line with GrodsCorp’s official policy of endorsing the most hopeless candidates for leadership positions within the coalition in order to further weaken it, I got a sudden rush of adrenaline when I saw the following headline on the ABC News Online front page tonight.

If only it were true.

And in other Liberal Wake Party news, does anyone else think that Christopher Pyne is the conservative version of Simon Crean? Let’s hope he gets up too.

It happened. Rudd is PM. Life is already changing - this morning I was beaten up by union thugs three times before breakfast, and The Editor was dismayed to find that supermarket prices were already spiraling out of control. The resources boom is over and the drought is even worse. To cap it off, Peter Costello has just announced that he is not contesting the leadership of the Liberal Party.

Today’s poll - who would you like to see lead the Liberal party?

My vote is for Tony Abbott - how hilarious would that? Abbott would be far more damaging than Latham ever was. For one he’d make Cardinal Pell deputy leader and force all non-Catholics to sea.

Just now on ABC’s Insiders, Treasurer Peter Costello claimed that being a union member is equivalent to being a union official. Pressed by host Barrie Cassidy to explain how Shadow Treasurer Wayne Swan was a union official as claimed by Liberal Party advertising, the best Costello could do was point towards his AWU membership.

In the interest of full disclosure I must declare that I am a union official due to my membership of the AEU. The Liberal Party says that 70% of the Labor front bench are union officials, so lets try and work out what percentage of GrodsReaders are union officials. Drop a quick ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in comments to indicate your union membership status.

UPDATE: Screw the comments thing; let’s GrodsPoll it.

My students’ homework this week involved finding a political news article that contained opposing opinions from two or more political parties. On Friday one of the kids came up to me and said, “Ed, I’ve found heaps of political stories that have the opinions of the ALP and the Liberals but their opinions are always the same.”

Rudd should be ashamed if even an eleven year old can see it.

For the past few months some lefty Australian bloggers have been running this graphic on their sites, summing up the hopes of all anti-Liberal voters:

Kevin Rudd’s “me-too” politics have been causing us to roll our eyes for some time but you know it’s reached serious levels when you wake up to this headline splashed across the front of The Age: ‘ME-TOO POLICY MESS’. All because a shadow minister had the audacity to — wait for it — restate official ALP policy. Rudd, getting a sniff of differential between his Party and the government, jumped into damage control mode, slapping down the offending shadow minister, and hitting the airwaves to reassure voters that ‘Labor’ was still spelled L-I-B-E-R-A-L.

Facing criticism from survivors and families of Bali bombing victims, Mr Rudd tried to control the damage by portraying his stance — as on a host of other contentious issues — as being in line with that of the Howard Government.

“On the wider question of the death penalty, the Liberal Party’s policy, like Labor’s policy, is identical, and that is our global opposition to the death penalty.”

As a clearly unimpressed Michelle Gratten said, “The Labor leader’s plan was politically savvy, but leaves a sour moral taste.”

I’ve long banged on about the government’s moral flexibility and hypocrisy when it comes to the issue of the death penalty. They don’t support it in this country, they don’t support other countries executing Australian citizens, but they do support other countries executing their own citizens or deposed leaders.

So I have nothing but praise for the ALP’s announcement that it will be morally consistent in opposing the death penalty across our region, even if that means opposing the execution of the Bali bombers. A gutsy and principled move.

UPDATE (12:30pm): Oh, for fuck’s sake. No sooner had I posted this piece of praise for the ALP…

Federal Labor leader Kevin Rudd has criticised his foreign affairs spokesman Robert McClelland over a speech which was critical of the Government’s approach to the death penalty.

Mr McClelland last night said Prime Minister John Howard supported capital punishment for an Indonesian terrorist, but he pushed for Singapore to spare the life of an Australian drug trafficker in 2005.

Kevin Rudd says terrorists should rot in jail and a Government led by him would only intervene diplomatically to try to save the lives of Australians sentenced to death overseas.

“I think as we approach the fifth anniversary of the Bali bombings I believe that the speech delivered last night was insensitive in terms of its timing,” he said.

“I’ve indicated that to Mr McClelland this morning and he concurs with that judgement.”

Listening to the frantically desperate John Howard flailing about in the media at the moment you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Labor states are responsible for everything bad that happens in this country, while the federal Liberal government (despite continually having to mop up states’ mess) is responsible for everything good that happens. Apparently the states cause higher interest rates and lower housing affordability, not to mention educational failures and negligent healthcare.

But here’s a little-known list of other evil deeds for which the ALP state governments are totally responsible.

* Delta Goodrem and Kylie Minogue’s cancers (QLD and VIC respectively)
* Crowded House’s first breakup (NSW)
* Channel Nine’s refusal to screen The Secret (SA)
* Big Brother (QLD — Peter Beattie specifically)
* John Howard’s dismal YouTube reviews (WA)
* Family First party (VIC)
* Emo (TAS)
* Scientology (NT)
* Iain Hall (QLD — again)

Unfortunately this list is incomplete. Please list other state government evils in comments.

Now that I’ve done got me a MacBook and a wireless router I can access the intertubes from the comfort of the beanbag in my loungeroom. So here comes GrodsCorp’s minute-by-minute analysis of Peter Costello’s budget speech.

7:28pm – Story on ABC News about rhinos that won’t root at Werribee Open Range Zoo.

7:30pm – Bloody hideous opening graphics on ABC. Obviously produced with my eight cents for today but nobody else’s.

7:31pm – Pete forgot to get his assistant to check his tie.

7:32pm – Basically, before 1996 the economy was shit. but overnight (coincidentally the night Howard was elected) the economy got amazing.

7:33pm – Apparently we’ve got to look to the past to look to the future. Nice song lyric, but…

7:35pm – Kevin Rudd is a THIEF! Kevin Rudd STEALS MONEY FROM THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!

7:36pm – Shot of Julie Bishop in safety orange dress. Television explodes.

7:38pm – Performance pay for schools and $5000 bribe for teachers to take PD in Howard’s version of Australian history. 120 days of prac for trainee teachers — can’t wait to hear what schools and unions have to say about that.

7:41pm – Pete looks tired. Needs a Berocca and exposure to sunlight.

7:43pm – Tax cuts. “I pay my taxes!”

7:46pm – Profile of Pete reveals hunch in back. Needs to drink milk.

7:48pm – Roads, roads, roads. Howard has a little chuckle to himself after a particularly gentlemanly “hear, hear.” Teeth nearly slip out side of mouth.

7:50pm – Howard reading over Mark Vaile’s shoulder like a dude on the train reading somebody else’s MX.

7:52pm – 16 extra dentists in regional areas! We’re saved!

7:53pm – Pete starts talking about climate change; Howard starts looking shifty. Shot of Malcolm Turnbull reveals he is sitting as far away from Joe Hockey as possible. Must be a sweaty day in Parliament.

7:55pm – Government working hard to tackle climate change overseas because that doesn’t cost a single mining or forestry job over here.

7:58pm – Drought: cue sombre voice.

7:59pm – Army: continue sombre voice. Shot of Brendan Nelson — forehead appears to have grown larger. Obviously some kind of elephantitis.

8:00pm – Purchase of new Super Hornets to “ensure air superiority in the region Australia.”

8:01pm – Credit to small business and employers. Because employees have nothing to do with the success of business.

8:02pm – Weak round of applause from House. Weak cough from Pete. Cue grade seven digital literacy project ABC opening graphics and cue Tony Jones’ hideous tie.

8:05pm – Metallica documentary on ABC2.

Industrial relations. Uranium policy. Climate Change. Education.

Who cares?

The really big question to be answered at the ALP National Conference is this: What tune will play when Kruddy takes the stage?

John Williamson’s Hey True Blue? John Farnham’s You’re The Voice? Something by Anthony Callea?

Let us know your hot tip for Kevin Rudd’s theme song or, if you’re reading this after the start of the conference, let us know what you think it should’ve been instead. You may also want to chuck in a suggestion for The Man Of Steel at the Liberal conference because we all know he reads this blog.

Hi, John!

You are hereby instructed to aggressively use this new federal vs. state, Liberal vs. ALP, wedge tactic against state governments in response to any criticism of the Howard government:

AN ANGRY Julie Bishop will tell Victoria to “put its money where its mouth is” and abolish the $93 million it extracts in payroll tax from universities every year if it is serious about universities being underfunded.
(source)

Family and Community Services Minister Mal Brough said the Howard Government was already giving ample support to parents who used child care.

“If Mr Bracks wants to take steps to increase availability in his state by talking directly to providers, that’s a matter for him,” Mr Brough said.

“One step he could take is to reduce tax impositions on child-care centres.”
(source)

The theme of this argument is that instead of the coalition federal government providing any extra funding, the Labor state governments should reduce their taxes.

Feel free to employ this argument liberally (pun intended) in the lead up to the ‘07 election.

On The 7.30 Report last night John Howard announced an investigation into the relationship between disgraced Senator Santo Santoro’s relationship with Queensland Liberal Party branch chairman Russell Egan Jr., after Egan was controversially awarded aged care bed licenses by the government. Some may remember the story from late last year, with Egan writing on his Blogger blog that the licenses were a “massive asset to receive from taxpayers. I hit the jackpot with my block of land… Keep in mind that these places can be on sold on the free market for up to $40,000 each.” This morning Santo was still happy to prominently display a picture of himself and Russell Egan Junior opening an aged care facility on his website:

GrodsCorp’s sources have known Russell Egan for some time and his political ambitions have never been a secret. He lists his interests on his flickr profile thus: bacardi, house music, company of heroes, liberal party. The general consensus around the traps was that it was only a matter of time before Russ Egan was preselected to contest a federal seat in Queensland, but one must conclude that Egan will never get a crack at parliament after the Santoro scandal.

Egan has learned the hard way that anything one writes on the internet will inevitably come back to haunt them if they try to enter politics or another sphere of public life. Since the scandal erupted Egan has restricted access to his blog, but not before The Courier Mail and GrodsCorp got to read long, vitriolic posts about why Asians should not be allowed to drive and “how to make money in aged care”.

Teenage political aspirant James Paterson, of The Neo-Con fame, has started working his way through the ranks of the Victorian Young Liberals and has wisely removed his blog from the internet tubes. Who wants to be preselected for the seat of Higgins (after Costello retires frustrated) and have political opponents stumble across this on their blog archive?

Just in case you hadn’t guessed from the title - I’m right wing.

In Australia this makes me a Liberal - but don’t worry American readers, not your pansy left-wing liberals, in Australia the Liberal party is the mainstream conservative political party. Sure, there is ‘One Nation’ but they are a little nutty and located on the fringe, and Family First is just not my cup of tea. In other words, if I was in America, I’d be a member of the Republican Party.

Our equivalent of the Democrats is called the Labor party. Yes it’s true; they cannot spell, as they are the party of the trade union - or labour - movement. We do have a Democrat party, but they have like four federal Senators and aren’t even recognised constitutionally as a ‘party’ because of their low representation. They are stuck somewhere around and in between Labor and the dreaded Greens, but its hard to pin them down on a scale more accuratley than that, because no one really knows what they stand for.

It can be safely assumed that The Editor will never run for parliament.

UPDATE (21 March): Russell Egan tells me that he’s had no interest in running for parliament for some time.

This whole frenzy over who met who at a dinner in Perth two years ago was never going to make too much difference to the recently great ALP poll numbers. Seriously, the people whose votes need to change for Labor to win government couldn’t give a flying toss about the Burke “scandal”. Firstly, it’s too complicated to sum up into a three second soundbite; secondly, it’s too old an event; thirdly, it’s got nothing to do with interest rates or immigration.

It seems increasingly obvious that the government can bang on about this crap for as long as they like, fire as many ministers as they care to, but it won’t make a sliver of difference to the mood for change in the electorate.

An exclusive GrodsPoll* reveals that the Burke scandal simply isn’t cutting through to the general electorate and that it’s only rusted-on voters and political junkies — whose votes don’t matter at all — who are following the story.

Howard’s in trouble and he knows it.

* GrodsPoll conducted on 6 March 2007 using sample of one: my sister. Little Sis is a classic swinging voter who is relatively politically disengaged.