Mr Turnbull’s personal position is now the same, or worse, than Brendan Nelson’s when he was replaced as Liberal leader late last year …
– (source)

Last week I poked fun at Malcolm Turnbull’s seemingly-lame attempts to reverse his terribad polling figures by visiting Afghanistan and launching a debt trailer truck. This morning Mr Turnbull’s efforts were revealed to have been effective, leaving me with very serious egg on my face.

Satisfaction with the Leader of the Opposition lifted in the past two weeks after he spent a week overseas visiting Australian troops and a week in Perth attacking the Rudd government’s debt and budget deficit.

[...]

Last weekend, satisfaction with Mr Turnbull rose from 25per cent to 31 per cent, and dissatisfaction fell from 58 per cent to 55 per cent.

I apologise unreservedly to Malcolm Turnbull for ridiculing his campaigning methods.

In unrelated news, Andrew Bolt says that drawing conclusions from “changes that fall even within the margin of error” is “a waste of time and credibility”. What did The Australian ever do to Andrew to deserve such a scathing attack?

Chrissy Pyne loves himself the phrase “part-time Education minister”, concluding most of his poncy press releases with the Julia Gillard smear. His latest effort is no different:

“Hundreds of thousands of dollars are being paid to State Government appointed contractors. Quotes are being inflated beyond all reasonable levels. School communities are being regularly sidelined as faceless bureaucrats dictate what will happen in their schools

[...]

“It is clear that this Minister has a set against programs designed at empowering parents and local communities, and prefers giving money to state education department bureaucrats. We have now seen the waste and mismanagement that naturally follows.

“Australia deserves better than this part-time Education Minister.”

Pyne took some time out of his busy leader-of-opposition-business-and-lobbying-for-leadership schedule to write this press release; a press release that readily admits that the Howard Government’s school infrastructure program ($1.18 billion) was “more modest” than the Rudd Government’s school infrastructure program ($14.7 billion). But, you know, what’s a lazy thirteen billion clams between empowered communities?

The Malcolm in Afghanistan results have been calculated by the GrodsComputer.

In third place is Mikey.

“The sunnies I left at home are diamond crusted, and woven around the hinges is a lock of hair from none other than Ghandi – and he was bald so you can imagine just how hard that was to obtain … for an ordinary person.”

Mikey wins Malcolms empty yoghurt container, autographed.

In second place is Megan.

“Oh, I see. I had always assumed that ’soggy-SAO’ thing was apocryphal. Ah, yes. Very amusing. Well done…”

Megan wins a cardboard cutout of Julie Bishop. Or Julie Bishop herself if the cardboard cutout is busy in Parliament.

And the winner is Speckled Jim.

There was no joke; just some uncomfortable chuckling to cover up Turnbull’s faux pas in ordering an unwooded chardonnay with his instant mash and bully beef.

Speckled Jim wins a year’s supply of New Vegemite, applied to his toast each morning by John Surname wearing nothing but Malcolm’s bulletproof vest and his nevernude shorts. Congratulations!

Malcolm Turnbull, fresh from trying to distract people from his appalling polling figures by hanging around soldiers, has today tried to distract people from his appalling polling figures by developing solid policy in response to the biggest challenges faced by Australia and clearly articulating his party’s philosophical foundation.

Just kidding. He recycled a thirteen-year-old stunt and launched a debt truck.

Well, a debt trailer. Can’t Malcolm get anything right?

Just say you’re a political leader whose career is in serious (some say terminal) trouble after a self-inflicted couple of horror weeks in domestic politics, reflected by three simultaneously disastrous opinion polls. The winter break arrives to give you some welcome relief from the onslaught, a chance to lick your wounds, and the opportunity to regroup. So what do you do to try and reverse your fortunes? Work hard at developing policies? Grassroots campaigning?

Of course not. You visit the troops in Afghanistan for some nice pictures that aren’t at all a cynical attempt to boost your standing in the electorate by co-opting everything the soldiers stand for.

Here’s Malcolm arriving in Afghanistan wearing the sort of gear he needed last week in the House of Reps.

“Welcome to Afghanistan, Mr Turnbull. Mr Rudd’s office emailed to say you’re a dickhead.”

Of course, what’s a trip to the battlefield without a stirring speech to the troops, including a stunned Julie Bishop posing stupidly in the background and a random soldier staring at your arse?

“He must work out.”

And this photo was captioned by Malcolm’s press people as: “The Opposition Leader, The Hon Malcom Turnbull MP, shares a joke with Australian Defence Force personnel during his visit to bases in the Middle East and Afghanistan.” Your job is to caption the photograph with the joke being shared.

Have at it!

Tony Abbott debates policy using gut feeling.

Coalition frontbencher Tony Abbott says New South Wales is playing nanny state politics with its ban on smoking in cars when children are present.

[...]

Mr Abbott says the ban is over the top.

“I was a child that was regularly imprisoned in a car with heavy smokers,” he said.

“My parents both smoked heavily when I was a kid. Now has it done me any harm?

“You be the judge …”

Forget research, expert opinion and statistics, Tony’s fine so let’s legislate based on his personal experience.

Imagine you are a husky fellow of simple tastes and modest abilities. Imagine that, until now, you’ve been a long way back in the queue to the throne, but that suddenly the whole line of succession has been catastrophically blown up, leaving you as the heir apparent.

Where would you turn to find a precedent for your frightening situation? Could there perhaps be a work of cinematic art that might provide a way for you to understand your predicament?

Joe Hockey: The King Ralph of Australian politics.

Ahhhh, school holidays. You gotta love that feeling when you wake up on a Monday morning in the middle of the year and know you’ve got two lazy weeks while every other sucker is still at work. Thing is, you do tend to get bored during that fortnight if you’re not going away on holiday, so sometimes it’s nice to try and find a casual job to tide you over. With that in mind I got out of bed this morning, brewed a coffee, and got to browsing the job pages of backpacker networking site The Gumtree. And can you imagine my surprise when I found this ad:

It all made sense when I read this:

The Coalition and Malcolm Turnbull have received a devastating blow from the OzCar affair, with 53 per cent of voters saying they have a less favourable impression of the Opposition Leader as a result of it.

Mr Turnbull’s approval rating has plunged a massive 11 points while disapproval soared by 13 points in the Age/Nielsen poll taken on Thursday to Saturday. The Coalition’s two-party vote has slumped five points since May in the wake of Mr Turnbull’s call for Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s resignation, which backfired spectacularly.

Even The Oz is anticipating Malcy’s political death.

Malcolm Turnbull’s political career has been smashed in just one week, and senior Liberals believe there could be moves within the party to remove him as Opposition Leader within days or weeks.

[...]

According to a Newspoll survey, conducted exclusively for The Australian last weekend, satisfaction with Mr Turnbull’s job as Opposition Leader has suffered the single biggest fall in the survey’s 25-year history. His position is now worse than Labor’s Mark Latham ever was and is at, or lower than, the levels of Brendan Nelson when he was dumped as Liberal leader to make way for Mr Turnbull.

Accordingly, the GrodsBook is now open. Leave in comments your prediction for the date on which Malcy will resign or be forced out of the Liberal leadership. The winner, being the person with the closest prediction, will win the Liberal leadership.

Absolute corker of a post by Tony Abbott at his Daily Telegraph blog this week. It seems that the Mad Monk and Piers Akerman are the only two sentient beings in Australia who believe the following:

Press Gallery opinion is that this has not been Malcolm Turnbull’s week but I suspect they should revise their judgment. This week, the government threw everything it could at Turnbull and he never flinched.

Of course, Tony! The almost unanimous opinion of the nation’s journalists is certainly less likely to be correct than a hopelessly biased member of the disgraced political party in question. A hopelessly biased member of the disgraced political party in question who can presumably say something like this without feeling a hint of shame:

This week, the government threw everything it could at Turnbull and he never flinched.

I watched the House of Representatives broadcast for four hours on Monday (the things you do while you’re crippled with flu) and not only did Malcolm Turnbull flinch, the entire opposition side of the chamber collectively flinched. You could see it in Malcy’s body language and hear it in his voice on that day and in the days following, during which he contradicted and embarrassed himself across the news media. The man was in shock.

Abbott then accuses Rudd of acting un-Prime Ministerly by calling for Turnbull’s resignation. His benchmark? John Howard, of course.

John Howard never lost his dignity …

If you say it often enough it must be true.

Peter Costello writes a column for the Fairfax papers today. In it, he tries desperately to justify his political existence over the past decade-and-a-bit and shift the goalposts on the judgement of his legacy.

Which is the true test of political success, the office or the outcome?

Well, Peter, I would say the outcome is important, but so is one’s willingness to grab hold of an opportunity when it is presented to them. You know you lacked the balls, and you’re also aware that history will record that fact for posterity. Deal.

Laydeez and gentz, meet Liberal Party ‘tool of the week’, Mr Jamie Briggs:

(In case you’re confused, that’s him on the right. I think the other guy is MK.)

Briggs is the MP for Mayo – yes, he’s heir incumbent to the nasal throne of Alex ‘Things-that-batter’ Downer. He was born and raised in country Victoria, then (according to his maiden speech) ”moved to Adelaide following year 12 to pursue dreams of playing cricket for Australia… [however] my ability was no match for my enthusiasm”. The same might well be said for Briggsy’s fledging parliamentary career. This was his effort yesterday during the motion of condolence for just-deceased World War I veteran, John “Jack” Ross:

MR Rudd: “During World War Two, Jack served his country again, as a member of the Volunteer Defence Corps. In civilian life, Jack Ross worked at the Victorian Railways for more than 45 years, retiring in 1964. Jack was a life member of the Australian Labor Party.”

MR Briggs: (interjecting) Only the good die young.

Jamie Briggs, thou art a tool. And while on the subject of tools from South Australia, note the effort of Christopher ‘He’s-such-a-good-boy’ Pyne earlier in the week:

(MR Pyne interjecting)

The SPEAKER: The Manager of Opposition Business, on behalf of several people, will withdraw that remark.

MR Pyne: Which one? There were many.

The SPEAKER: If there were many, you will withdraw all of them.

MR Pyne: On behalf of my team, I withdraw “nasty’, ‘nerd’ and ”bitch”.

The SPEAKER: The Manager of Opposition Business will withdraw without qualification, as he is required.

MR Pyne: I withdraw without qualification, Mr Speaker.

Pyne pwned.

• ‘In 1989 Tuckey was one of the leaders of the plot to depose John Howard as Liberal Party leader and replace him with Andrew Peacock. After the success of the plot, Tuckey boasted about it on television, privately infuriating Howard.’

• Just days after the devastating Victorian bushfires, Tuckey places political blame for the causes of the bushfires. Sensitive guy.

• ‘Tuckey has yelled “Look at moi” across the chamber at Ms Gillard every day this week… Mr Tuckey, who was thrown out of Question Time yesterday over an unrelated matter, vowed to keep up the interjections. “If you want Kath to run the Government, you should vote for her,” the West Australian backbencher said.’

• ‘Dr Nelson was… forced to defend Liberal MP Wilson Tuckey, who walked out of Parliament before today’s apology to indigenous Australians.The West Australian MP was in the house for the opening prayer, but left the chamber when Mr Rudd rose to his feet to deliver the apology….Mr Tuckey had earlier suggested saying sorry would do nothing for solving indigenous problems.’
• And just generally, he’s arguably an overall idiot.

Today, there was a “regrettable incident” in the Liberal party room, “when NSW Liberal backbencher Alby Schultz became angry and shirt-fronted Victorian MP Chris Pearce”, giving Labor an opportunity for a few barbs directed at the Opposition during Question Time. Anthony Albanese, for example, said: “The Member for Hume thought it was the first of June and he’d give the member for Aston a pinch and a punch for the first of the month.”

Lame stuff, but lamer was yet to come.

Enter Wilson Tuckey:

But not everyone thought the verbal stoush was funny.

West Australian Liberal Wilson Tuckey implored Mr Rudd to ease off, especially towards one of the participants “for reasons he would understand”.

“Using his sharp and nasty wit is very unfair … just lay off,” the backbencher said.

That’s rich!

Sure, Tuckey, sure. The day you stop insulting and degrading your peers, opponents and colleagues, maybe?

UPDATE: Paul Keating was, of course, the master of insults and I imagine people would try to compare Keating with Tuckey. There is no comparison between the two. Tuckey is just nasty and would attack people for, say, their appearances, such as the “fat so-and-so” jibe at Kim Beazley.

The hardest working man in Parliament, Shadow Treasurer Joe Hockey, has written his first press release in one-and-a-half months, and his fifth since being appointed to the second most important job in the Liberal Party.

That is all.

Peter Costello blows his own trumpet, effectively declaring his intention to seek leadership.

(Actually, Peter has people to blow his trumpets for him.) “Blow, my pretties! Blow!”

Andrew Bolt breaks his pants.

News flash: Peter Costello is staying on in Higgins. This confirms his intention to become Liberal leader.

Malcolm Turnbull broods, knowing that his chances of ever becoming Prime Minister just dropped through the floor.

“It isn’t fair! I deserve it!”