Finally! It’s finished! (The listening tour that is, not Nelson’s leadership which has at least a couple more weeks’ life left in it.) No longer will I be forced to read Bren-doc’s turgid travel diary and no longer will unsuspecting punters at servos and RSLs around the country be forced to listen to Bren-doc’s turgid empathy.

After more than three and a half weeks on the road, it was wonderful to be able to wind up my national listening tour at the Parramatta RSL for a pre-ANZAC Day morning tea.

Remember, Brendan: what happens on tour stays on tour.

At this time of year, millions of Australians come together to reflect upon and give thanks for the courage and sacrifice of the men and women who have served our country – and who continue to serve – so that today we can enjoy the freedoms which we so often take for granted. ANZAC Day has become a popular expression of solidarity in support of shared Aussie values that transcend the generations.

Yes it is.

The morning tea was also reminder of the wonderful services the RSL provides to our veterans and the important place it holds in our community.

Cheap beer.

Over the last few weeks it has been a real privilege…

Liar.

…to travel the country from Bunbury to Brisbane; from Tassie to the Top End and to meet and spend time with everyday Australians from all walks of life.

Last week Nelson’s travel tutor must have done a lesson on alliteration.

What has become clear is that the issue of foremost concern to everyday Australians is growing cost of living pressures. Many average Aussies are struggling with the increasing cost of petrol and groceries, along with rising interest rates…

DRINK!

…and they are waiting for Mr Rudd to deliver on the expectations he built up last year that he would bring all of these down.

Not to mention waiting eleven long years before that for your government to bring those down.

Ever inspirational, the small businesses men and women whom I met – who get out of bed every morning to take a risk and work hard to deliver the goods and services we all want and provide jobs Aussies need – were concerned by what they sensed as a significant drop-off in consumer confidence in the last couple of months. In fact they could pinpoint almost to the day when business slowed dramatically.

That is possibly the biggest lie that Brendan has ever let pass his lips. What a bunch of utter bullshit.

After months of talking down the economy and talking up inflation, it is time that Mr Rudd and Mr Swan started to act responsibly.

You’re just embarrassing yourself now, Doc.

In many parts of Australia the drought is still as devastating as it has been at any point in recent years. The farming community must have the necessary financial support to re-stock and get their farms and businesses moving again.

Again, where was your mob on this one?

Water is essential to everything, and no more so than in the state of South Australia. I will continue to fight to ensure the national water agreement actually works and that we get fair compensation and support for affected farmers.

And how valuable your contribution to policy delivery will be, Brendon.

The listening tour has been an opportunity for me and my team to gather ideas and inspiration that will help us to develop and shape our policies for the future.

One giant opportunity missed. Go home, Dr Nelson.

Will somebody please just turn off this man’s life support so I don’t have to read this crap anymore?

Goulburn is one of Australia’s great inland cities with a proud history dating back to the 19th Century. Sadly this great city has suffered more than most from the worst drought in one hundred years.

The drought has had a devastating impact not just on the farming community but also on the small businesses that support it in towns and cities throughout Australia just like Goulburn. I visited one such small business, Ranger Geale Construction and Agriculture Specialists, which has had its turnover cut by 60 per cent as a result of the drought.

Terrible stuff. But you and your ilk had eleven long years to do something if you think that something needs to be (and can be) done.

Small businesses throughout Australia must be protected from unfair dismissal laws which would severely discourage them from taking on new staff when conditions improve. This is a real concern I have picked up from small business owners around Australia and it is a core principle for me and my team.

This man is beyond amazing! One minute WorkChoices is dead, then it’s alive again. Keep on bringing the debate around to IR, Brendan, because as long as you’re banging on about it there’s even less chance you and your team will ever get near the other side of the chamber again.

Another issue that is raised with me wherever I go is obviously the cost of fuel.

DRINK!

Mr Rudd created the expectation last year that he would reduce the price of petrol yet since November the price of petrol has gone up.

Naughty, naughty Kevin. He’s singlehandedly depleting world reserves of oil, raising demand around the globe, and controlling OPEC’s price setting policy.

The Coalition will obviously support responsible policies that reduce the cost of petrol for Australian motorists.

The same policies you failed to come up with in eleven long years.

But the Government must demonstrate that no motorists will be a cent worse off as a result of new policies.

Because that’s exactly what the government wants to happen.

I have particular concern that Mr Rudd’s FuelWatch scheme will get rid of the heavy weekly discounting of fuel which currently takes place and which millions of Australians rely on.

But you’ll still support it, Brendan. That’s the kind of fence-sitting guy you are.

Does it never end?

Each time I visit Brisbane I enjoy the refreshing honesty and frankness of Queenslanders.

They tell him that he’s that he’s full of shit in no uncertain terms.

I spent an hour with my good friend and colleague Andrew Laming at the Capalaba shopping centre and when you talk with the locals they’re not shy in telling you what they think.

“You’re full of shit, Brendon.”

Of most concern is the growing pressure on their household budgets.

Vodka bottles at the ready…

Many Australians are finding it tough at the moment, with the cost of petrol, food and interest rates on the rise.

DRINK!

This is one area where many people are looking for the Government to deliver and for Mr Rudd to meet the expectations he created last year that these costs of living would come down.

Because Kevin’s ruined the country in six long months.

One of the great success stories in Capalaba is John Titman…

* giggle *

…Racing. Over 25 years, John has built up his business of making motorcycle parts and accessories from working out of his back shed to a business which now employs 14 staff. He’s a great example of the get up and go needed to make a small business work. The more time you spend travelling around Australia, the more encouraged you get as you meet hardworking businessmen like John Titman.

What has this got to do with anything?

In visiting numerous small businesses, I have been inspired once again by the get up and go of people who take a risk and work hard to deliver the goods and services we all need and provide jobs for other Australians.

So, motorcycle parts and accessories are goods and services that we all need? Whatever. Piss off, Bren-doc.

Next stop on Bren-doc Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour bus!

It is not often that you have the opportunity to sit with a group of Australians that are prepared to open up and explain the hardships that they and their families face.

Except for every day of your Magical Listening Tour, according to your diary.

I had such an opportunity at the Frankston Private Day Surgery today with families from different circumstances but who all have at least one child with insulin dependent diabetes.

I hope you said, “Do you know I’m a doctor? Can I help?”

Sandy – a sole parent – has two insulin dependent children and became quite emotional when she was explaining that she could not afford the $16,000 necessary to provide an insulin pump for her children.

Insulin pumps have been an outstanding breakthrough in the management of insulin dependent diabetes, keeping blood glucose levels at a stable level and therefore reducing the crippling long-term consequences of uncontrolled diabetes and reducing also life expectancy.

I bet you know that because you’re a doctor.

These families – in some cases with three children suffering from insulin dependent diabetes – have found life extraordinarily difficult. The constant attention to diet, exercise and weight, interaction with the medical profession and battling to balance jobs with family commitments is nothing short of inspirational.

It will require $35 million over three years to provide 5,000 insulin pumps for Australia’s insulin dependent children. We should put our kids first and make this funding available to them.

John Howard had eleven years to do it. And he would’ve if that $35 million secured him more than just 5,000 measly votes.

I will be focused on the Government’s Budget to see whether they deliver for these children and their families.

Australia breathes a sigh of relief knowing that you’ll focus on that one small aspect of the government’s budget, Brendan.

Hi, I’m Brendan Nelson. Do you know I’m a doctor? I’m here to help with your colouring in.

Today’s episode of Bren-doc Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour diary takes us out to rural Bourke.

Bourke is one of the quintessential towns of western New South Wales. We arrived from Sydney and had the opportunity to spend time with 50 or so seniors in the new ‘Back O’Bourke’ tourist development.

Do you think they bus in seniors to Liberal political functions the way they used to bus in seniors to tapings of The Midday Show because it’s the only way to fill seats?

These are men and women who have either been born in Bourke or spent most of their life in Bourke engaged in backbreaking work that has driven the economic development of this important part of Australia.

No group of Australians know more about drought and water management issues than the people of Bourke.

Except for drought and water management scientists and experts. But, you know…

Surviving on the pension, cost of living pressures…

Drink!

…and of course, water and the sense of isolation that the people of Bourke feel were issues foremost in their mind.

Isolation? Move to Sydney.

Whilst there has been some rain in the north and north-east of the Shire it’s still important that the farming community have the necessary financial support to restock and get their farms and businesses moving again.

Again, as for many parts of remote Australia, getting young people to university if that’s what they choose to do is a real financial struggle in need of further policy development.

Can’t wait to see a bit of, what did you call it again? Oh, policy from the Liberal Party, Dr Nelson.

The Aboriginal people of Bourke and Brewarrina are also after additional funding to support a men’s group that is facing the scourge of domestic violence and also the development of a facility for Aboriginal women in need of support.

Simple, Bren-doc. Ban the booze, ban the porn and abolish permits. Job done.

As one of the Bourke old timers said to me, ‘We’re very proud of the way the Aboriginal people are facing up to their problems. They just need a bit of help from the rest of us and especially in creating and finding jobs.’

Amen to that.

It’s been quite a few days since Bren-doc Nelson updated his Magical Mystery Tour diary. This afternoon he not only added the Tasmania section but he posted a YouTube video of him summing up the first week of his tour in glorious monotone monologue.

It’s kind of like a greatest hits monologue with Dr Nelson pulling out all of his favourite anecdotes — you know, the ones he’s been boring us with at every opportunity for the last week: helping the woman put petrol in her car and bagging groceries at a supermarket.

But let’s not dwell on the past when there’s so much comedy gold in Nelson’s latest release.

The carers roundtable was one of the highlights of the visit to Launceston. All expressed their great relief that Kevin Rudd had caved in to the Opposition’s pressure to deliver the lump sum carers’ payment this year and for the next four years.

Dr Brendan has got only one sorta positive from his time in leadership to keep referring to and it’s the tenuous claim that he forced Rudd to maintain the carers’ pork barrel lump sum payment. It’s getting really tiresome hearing Nelson crap on and on about it.

Starting the day on the side of the Tamar River and to see the amount of silt that’s built up is quite disturbing. The Government needs to provide the additional $200,000 for the saltation study and I’m at a loss to understand why Jodie Campbell, the Labor member, will not campaign for the necessary funds. So too the flood levies need serious refurbishment and restoration and the Federal Government must provide written confirmation that its $13 million contribution will be given this year.

Isn’t it weird that these geological processes commenced only after November last year and have reached crisis point in a mere five months? I’m at a loss to understand why Nelson’s own party did not commit the necessary funds in eleven long years.

It was also uplifting to visit St Finn Barr’s School where the students are absolutely magnificent in the way they are presented and the questions the year sixes asked me were tougher than at any press conference.

Nelson, of course, is extraordinarily capable of fending off even the toughest questions so a room full of grade six students is nothing.

The school provides a first rate Catholic education…

Unlike those values-neutral heathens in the evil, lefty public system.

…and is the school where I began my own education in grade one to grade four at its then outreach school Our Lady of Christians.

How proud they must be to have spawned the most useless opposition leader since, well… um…

The meeting with the chief executive of the Launceston General Hospital provided further emphasis to the need to restructure hospital services and especially reduce the load on the hospital from inadequate use of GP services in northern Tasmania.

Do you mean restructuring hospital services by propping up inefficient hospitals against the advice of everyone in order to win a couple of votes at an election?

A stroll through the Mews Shopping centre…

Where shoppers ran screaming in fear of being “helped” for a photo opportunity.

…at King’s Meadows down the road from where my grandfather lived, was a reminder of just how difficult a lot of Australians are finding the current climate. Trying to buy groceries while putting petrol in the car and facing increased interest rates was a struggle freely admitted to me by many shoppers.

Whoa! We need a drinking game where you drink if Nelson says “petrol”, “groceries” or “interest rates”. If he says all three in the same sentence just like he did then you have to skol a bottle of vodka.

It’s absolutely essential that Mr Rudd and Mr Swan get the economy right.

I’m sure they’re thankful for the advice, Bren-doc. There they were thinking to themselves “we must get the economy wrong.”

I seems that the people of Australia have a hearing problem.

Brendan “I’m a doctor” Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour bus has pulled into Adelaide, and with his public tour diary the good doctor continues to defy the rule that what happens on tour stays on tour.

I started the day at the Adelaide Central Markets and saw my becoming good friend now, Ross Savos, who runs the Central Deli at the markets…

“My becoming good friend now”? Firstly, that’s some impressive mangling of the English there. Secondly, declaring a stall holder you’ve just met as your almost best friend is sad in the extreme. Especially for the leader of the Federal opposition.

…and then went on to have the opportunity to speak to a number of the stallholders. These are the men and women in small business who really make Australia the great country that it is.

Small business makes Australia great? That’s a stretch.

They’re out there at 3 o’clock in the morning getting their stalls organised and making sure that the residents of Adelaide have access to fresh, healthy foods of one sort or another.

That’s true, but in all likelihood their number one motivation is to try and make money. Why try to talk up the virtue of a job?

Breakfast at Lucia’s and an opportunity to meet with teachers who look after disabled children and a variety of people on their way to work.

Christopher Pyne and I visited Campbelltown Primary School…

For once I actually feel sorry for Doctor Nelson. I wouldn’t make my worst enemy hang out with Christopher Pyne.

…and presented leadership certificates to students who were just so magnificently polite, well-behaved and impressive in the way that they responded to their principal, teachers and our visit.

Because their teachers had threatened them with electrocution if they horsed about while the Doc was there.

It was also a wonderful experience to return to St Ignatius College and address and field questions from year 12 students on issues as diverse as Aboriginal issues, Iraq, my political journey and what the school was like when I attended in 1975.

Brendan says “issues as diverse as” yet two of the four issues were Brendan himself. This man is as self-centred as they come.

A luncheon with members of the Adelaide business community was an opportunity to listen to concerns about an economic downturn and interest rates and cost of living pressures…

I’m going to sleep just thinking about it.

…and again to emphasise the dreadful circumstances of, not only the people of the Lower Lakes around Meningie, but increasingly South Australians being dudded in the recent COAG water deal.

Labor caused the drought. Case closed.

And so ends another day on Brendan Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour. Stay tuned to GrodsCorp for blow-by-blow commentary on Australia’s rebound opposition leader’s craptastic tour of Oz.

Dr Brendan Nelson yesterday took a quick break from his Magical Listening Tour to give a speech at a wbankers’ lunch in Sydney. During the listening tour he tried really hard to show how connected he was to your average middle Australian.

…one lady I gave a hand to get some petrol into her car who put $30 in, was saying “gee, I really hope petrol comes down soon. I’ve got to buy groceries; we’ve got other commitments with the house and interest rates and so on”.

[...]

…sole parents with two or three kids, elderly people on fixed incomes, retirees, mothers that have got three kids to feed… [are] really battling with their grocery prices.

And then at the bankers lunch the good doctor showed how disconnected he was to your average middle Australian.

He said that while it was tough for families to lose their homes, it was also hard on the people evicting them.

“Anyone who doesn’t think it’s equally a significant experience to those who are the lenders misunderstands the nature of what you do and how you do it,” he told the Financial Services Institute of Australasia.

He went on to attack those who criticised banks: “It’s easy for some people in public life to engage in cheap populism and criticise lenders.”

The Opposition Leader even appeared to defend banks that raised their interest rates higher than the official rate, as the Commonwealth has been condemned for doing.

“The strength of the financial services sector and our banking sector in particular is absolutely essential to our stability, notwithstanding the argy-bargy over what individual banks may do from time to time,” he said.

“Whatever people think about banks making a profit, there’s one thing that’s worse and that’s banks making a loss.”

And how easy it would be for the big four banks — with annual profits around the $4 billion mark — to inadvertently slide from the black to the red side of the ledger. Australians’ hearts are bleeding for the poor banks.

Dr Brendan’s dig at those who criticise banks’ rate rises above the official rate for being cheap populists is especially hilarious. This is the man who has been engaging in the worst kind of cheap populism during his listening tour in a vain attempt to show that he feels the pain of middle Australians, when in actual fact he seems to feel the “pain” of uber-profitable corporations much more keenly.

In GrodsThink 10 we took a look at day one of Brendan Nelson’s Magical Listening Tour diary. Go have a listen, ya bastards. Day two of the diary is now online and just like day one it’s a bloody corker.

2 April 2008

Diary from the road:

The people at the pointy end of the economic debate in Australia talk about the Westpac-Melbourne Institute Survey of Consumer Sentiment being the lowest in 15 years or the Sensis survey having the largest fall on record for the March quarter, but you’ve just got to spend a bit of time at the Lowood service station to see Australians coming in with their cars – 10, 12, 15 years old – putting $5, $7 or $30 worth of petrol in the tank.

10 year olds putting petrol in their cars? But seriously, is Brendan seriously suggesting that since November 24 last year Australians have suddenly acquired decades-old cars and suddenly started putting small amounts of petrol in their tanks that align with the disposable cash they have access to? Out of touch, man.

And one lady I gave a hand to get some petrol into her car…

I bet she rooly, trooly appreciated being assaulted by a slimy politician at a servo in search of a photo opportunity.

…who put $30 in, was saying “gee, I really hope petrol comes down soon. I’ve got to buy groceries; we’ve got other commitments with the house and interest rates and so on”.

Don’t hold your breath, ma’am. Petrol’s not ever going in the down direction again.

But then going to the Woolies in Nundah, just going through talking to the shoppers and helping to bag the groceries…

Checkout operators in supermarkets generally have no trouble bagging groceries for themselves; and they do it without having to continually smile for a battalion of cameras.

I’m Brendan Nelson and I’m here to help

…you see a string of people, from sole parents with two or three kids, elderly people on fixed incomes, retirees, mothers that have got three kids to feed and a husband at work, and they’re really battling with their grocery prices.

Hasn’t Nelson just spent a couple of months bagging Rudd for talking about grocery prices? And anyway, like petrol it’s just an expense you’ve gotta deal with. Is this seriously the biggest policy challenge for our national government?

And, by the way, they’re not too happy about the idea of some sort of tax on plastic bags. Mr Garrett needs to go back and have a look at that one. Big time.

Whoa, Garrett — you’ve been pwned big time by Dr Nelson. Gauntlet thrown.

The other thing that’s really emerging as a big issue is the funding of aged care. I’ve had a number of people, not only in aged care facilities but also the facilities themselves and the operators who are very concerned about what the Government’s going to do with aged care funding in the Budget.

And what exactly did your government do for aged care funding in eleven long years, Brendan, besides from cash bribes immediately prior to elections?

And again, like the carers and disabilities issue for which I was thanked by people who are desperately in need on that lump sum carers payment, the providers are very concerned about what the Government’s going to do in the Budget for the funding of the care of our nursing home residents.

“For which I was thanked”? You’ve saved us again, Dr Nelson.

– Brendan Nelson

Stay tuned for day three of The Secret Diary of Brendan Nelson.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear and Wah discuss:

* Earth Hour
* Kevin Rudd’s world tour
* Brendan Nelson’s listening tour
* Max Mosely’s Nazi orgy
* Robert Manne vs. Keith Windschuttle in the naked GrodsThink cage fight

** Because overwhelming demand for Iain Hall’s latest EP has caused congestion in teh tubes use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

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Sad leaders of sad parties with sad electoral prospects do sad things. And the saddest thing of all is to embark on a “listening tour”, but today Brendan Nelson did just that. However, before leaving he made us listen to this terrible video. (If the Liberal Party must do one thing it’s to hire a camera operator with an understanding of framing and shot composition.)

For those with a YouTube problem at work here’s a transcript of the video.

G’day! It’s Brendan Nelson here.

He had to say that because most Australians still don’t know who he is.

As a doctor I’ve spent a lot of my life listening to, and caring for, people…

He just has to get an “I’m a doctor” reference into every speech he makes, doesn’t he?

…and now I’m privileged to be the leader of the alternative government of Australia.

Liar.

I’m in the process of going through Australia on a listening tour and that means I want to hear what you’ve got to say.

No you don’t.

What’s on your mind…

Sex.

…what worries you…

People with excessively large foreheads.

…what you think ought to happen in Australia…

Anything but the re-election of the Liberal Party.

…from Bunbury to Bathurst, from Tassie to the Northern Territory…

Somebody’s been watching too many Telstra ads.

…I’ll be in and out of servos…

Buying petrol.

…shopping centres…

Buying food.

…farming communities…

Asking for directions.

…everyday Australians’ barbies, morning teas, you name it…

I’ll tell you something for free, Brendon: you won’t be dropping into any of my barbecues or morning teas.

…and if you’ve got something on your mind tell me what it is.

Fleshlights.

Also I’ve got a great team of people…

Liar.

…frontbenchers, backbenchers, people representing the Liberal and National parties right across Australia.

But you said “great.”

I look forward to seeing you and if you see me sing out and say “g’day.”

I’ll certainly sing out and say something, Brendan, but it won’t be “g’day.”