Last week the Labor government delivered its first budget in thirteen years to mixed reviews, to which opposition leader Brendan Nelson responded in a not-totally-pathetic fashion when put in the context of his dismal leadership record. Today the coalition was handed a rare golden opportunity to stick one up Labor…

The exclusive Herald Sun/Galaxy poll taken at the weekend shows just 23 per cent of voters overall believe they will be better off as a result of the Budget.

A total of 33 per cent said they would be worse off, while a large pool of 44 per cent were uncommitted.

…and what do they do with it?

MALCOLM Turnbull has publicly confirmed a split within Liberal ranks over fuel excise but denied he is the source of a devastating leak that threatens to reignite the Liberal leadership question.

Them crazy Liberal attention seekers noticed that the negative spotlight looked set to shine elsewhere so they imploded just a little bit more to ensure that they stayed smack-bang in the centre of punters’ attention.

And what’s with Turnbull so actively undermining Nelson’s leadership in the public sphere? As if you’d put your concerns about a major party policy in an email to the leader’s chief of staff only minutes before that policy’s announcement unless you planned to use that email to boost yourself at a later date.

Sez Turnbull: “Naturally I support the policy measures announced in Dr Nelson’s Budget Reply.”

Bwah! Hah, ha, ha, haw!

Opposition leader Dr Brendan Nelson commenting on a Kevin Rudd post-budget interview.

[Kevin Rudd] sounded like one of those recorded messages you get when you’re actually trying to get real information.

Here’s Doctor Who? in the same interview.

We want to make sure that we have a Budget which makes sure that Australians are more likely to be able to afford their homes, to put petrol in their car, to buy groceries.

Drink!

…is the Budget going to make it easier for me to balance my household budget, to afford my home, put petrol in the car, to buy groceries…

Drink!

And here’s a different Nelson interview on the same day.

…is this Budget going to make it easier for me to pay my mortgage, put groceries in the trolley, to put petrol in my car…

Drink!

And Shadow Treasurer Malcolm Turnbull’s even playing the drinking game.

It is not a Budget that lifts a finger to help Australians battling with rising costs of living – petrol, groceries, private health insurance and home interest rates.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Poor old Malcolm Turnbull. Made his millions in the “big end of town” and is now forced to dump on said end of town.

SHADOW treasurer Malcolm Turnbull has turned sharply on the Business Council of Australia, discounting its criticism of the former government’s budgetary record by saying it is just representing the “big end of town”. He said the BCA in its budget submission was “speaking on behalf of its own constituency”.

And then poor old Malcolm is forced to utter this utter lie and pretend he believes it.

Mr Turnbull said “you’ve got to remember the BCA… speaks for big business, the big end of town… . And it objects to the fact that a large part of that bonus from increased profits from the corporate sector was redistributed by the Howard government to the battlers, through lower taxes and through family tax benefits.”

“Redistributed”? That sounds positively Marxist, Malcolm. Too many lattes for you. And that’s on top of the fact that taxes rose in real terms under John Howard and family tax benefits are completely non-means tested middle class welfare.

Oh, and then there’s this.

LOW-paid workers are slipping further behind those on higher incomes, fuelling concerns about growing inequality in Australia.

[…]

In industries such as hospitality, wages grew 3.3%, while in retail trade they were up 3.5% and in basic clerical positions and sales the rise was 3.6% over the year to last September.

That compared with a 4.2% increase across all occupations for that period.

Over the past decade the gap has continued to widen.

[…]

Minimum wage recipients are now on about 54% of overall median weekly earnings, compared with about 62% a decade ago.

Just remind me again who was in government over the last decade?

They’re replaying edited highlights (or lowlights, as the case may be) of the Liberal campaign launch on ABC. Here are my thoughts…

* JHo: “My fellow Australians.” Spew.
* JHo: “This election is about the future… despite how great the past is.” It always comes back to the past doesn’t it, John?
* Costello: “Economic storm clouds on the horizon that will increase inflation, interest rates and unemployment. But we will decrease inflation, interest rates and unemployment.”
* JHo: “Family is the cornerstone of society.” And that’s why you’re force-feeding middle class welfare pork down families’ throats, despite Australia “no longer being a welfare state.”
* Vaile: Sorry, missed that. Went to sleep.
* Abbot: Is doing his interview in the rain holding an umbrella that has stars and moons all over it. Bwah hah hah!
* JHo: “We will give you nine billion bucks to bribe you to vote for us. Um, actually, what I mean is education, child care, Great Australian Dream and other stuff like that. Family, family, family.”
* Howard, never one to attract the term “charismatic”, is actually looking (if it’s possible) less charismatic than normal. He looks about as inspiring as the flotation ball inside my toilet cistern.
* JHo: “New homeowners shouldn’t pay for infrastructure that benefits them and the wider community.” So you’ll make those homeowners pay through their tax payments instead, John? This is appalling policy.
* Julie Bishop is on the telly telling me that parents have the right to choose the quality of their kids’ schools. And what sort of choice do parents have when state schools are desperately underfunded, Julie?
* JHo to the rescue — he’s going to make independent school fees tax deductible. Problem fixed then.
* JHo: “Fees and levies that have crept into the public school system.” Why do you think public schools have to charge those fees and levies, you great, fucking cockhead of a man?
* JHo: “Indigenous intervention has brought to an end 20-30 years of problems.” I think it’s been going on longer than that, John. Also, you had ten-and-a-half years to fix it before that — why didn’t you?
* JHo: “To continue to decide who comes to this nation.” Anyone but those dirty, fightin’ Sudanese if Kevin Andrews has anything to do with
* Downer: “If the terrorists win there will terrible consequences.” Dickhead.
* JHo: “Tough on drugs.” Ruddock just appeared on screen to back up Howard’s words. He looks as ghoulish as ever.
* Kevin Andrews: “We must protect our way of life.” Your way of life is nothing like mine, Kev, so stop trying to impose yours upon me via Parliament. Get your rosaries off my ov… um, testicolies.
* JHo: “UNIONS! UNIONS! UNIONS! COAST-TO-COAST LABOR! BOO!”
* The closing music sounds like the elevator muzak you hear over the top of 1980s telemovies on Channel Seven at midday.

Watching that made me feel genuinely sick. The sun will shine on Australia if the coalition is no longer in charge on 25 November.

Now that I’ve done got me a MacBook and a wireless router I can access the intertubes from the comfort of the beanbag in my loungeroom. So here comes GrodsCorp’s minute-by-minute analysis of Peter Costello’s budget speech.

7:28pm – Story on ABC News about rhinos that won’t root at Werribee Open Range Zoo.

7:30pm – Bloody hideous opening graphics on ABC. Obviously produced with my eight cents for today but nobody else’s.

7:31pm – Pete forgot to get his assistant to check his tie.

7:32pm – Basically, before 1996 the economy was shit. but overnight (coincidentally the night Howard was elected) the economy got amazing.

7:33pm – Apparently we’ve got to look to the past to look to the future. Nice song lyric, but…

7:35pm – Kevin Rudd is a THIEF! Kevin Rudd STEALS MONEY FROM THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!

7:36pm – Shot of Julie Bishop in safety orange dress. Television explodes.

7:38pm – Performance pay for schools and $5000 bribe for teachers to take PD in Howard’s version of Australian history. 120 days of prac for trainee teachers — can’t wait to hear what schools and unions have to say about that.

7:41pm – Pete looks tired. Needs a Berocca and exposure to sunlight.

7:43pm – Tax cuts. “I pay my taxes!”

7:46pm – Profile of Pete reveals hunch in back. Needs to drink milk.

7:48pm – Roads, roads, roads. Howard has a little chuckle to himself after a particularly gentlemanly “hear, hear.” Teeth nearly slip out side of mouth.

7:50pm – Howard reading over Mark Vaile’s shoulder like a dude on the train reading somebody else’s MX.

7:52pm – 16 extra dentists in regional areas! We’re saved!

7:53pm – Pete starts talking about climate change; Howard starts looking shifty. Shot of Malcolm Turnbull reveals he is sitting as far away from Joe Hockey as possible. Must be a sweaty day in Parliament.

7:55pm – Government working hard to tackle climate change overseas because that doesn’t cost a single mining or forestry job over here.

7:58pm – Drought: cue sombre voice.

7:59pm – Army: continue sombre voice. Shot of Brendan Nelson — forehead appears to have grown larger. Obviously some kind of elephantitis.

8:00pm – Purchase of new Super Hornets to “ensure air superiority in the region Australia.”

8:01pm – Credit to small business and employers. Because employees have nothing to do with the success of business.

8:02pm – Weak round of applause from House. Weak cough from Pete. Cue grade seven digital literacy project ABC opening graphics and cue Tony Jones’ hideous tie.

8:05pm – Metallica documentary on ABC2.