Once a week for GroupthinkFC indoor soccer matches I strap on my money belt, put a can of mace and a rape alarm in my pocket, and leave the safe and familiar surrounds of Brunswick in Melbourne’s inner north for the unfamiliar badlands of the eastern suburbs. Before this season I’ve never bought a zone two public transport ticket and now I know why zone two residents have the king shits with trains (when they arrive) and drive their cars instead (even though most have no choice.) If I choose to leave Brunswick before 6pm for a return trip to the soccer venue it costs me a whopping $10.10 for a daily ticket, and if I leave after 6pm it drops to a slightly more acceptable $5.50 for a two hour ticket that is valid all night. Highway freakin’ robbery, I tells ya.

Last night I deliberately planned my journey so that I was catching the 6.02pm train from Brunswick and I dutifully pumped $5.50 into a ticket machine. I sat on the (late) train into the city listening to my iPod and thinking about the awesome service I was receiving in exchange for my money. At Southern Cross I alighted in order to catch a second train out to the badlands and standing on the platform I was horrified to discover that my ticket had gone missing from the pocket it was sharing with my iPod.

I swore loudly and profusely.

Fuming, I approached the ticket barriers where two bored ticket Nazis were waiting to arrest people for making eye contact. I explained that I had lost my ticket and would need to be let out of the barriers to purchase a new one to complete my journey. Of course they looked at me skepticly and prepared to fine me in triplicate, but I think the “if you fucking dare try to fine me or even reach for your ticket book I will go Martin Bryant on your arse” look on my face dissuaded them and they reluctantly let me through.

So I ended up paying $11.00 to make a return journey from one part of Melbourne to another. I should just buy a car.