To the couple on my train this morning on the way to work, GET A FUGGIN ROOM!

No one wants to see tongue-action more icky than that of Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour snogging, hand under the jumper (I saw you, boy, touch her nipple), blowing gently into each other’s neck, pretending to almost kiss then turning mouth away in a coquettish way (oh you’re such a flirt, aren’t you, girl?),  smiling seductively at each other (you think! It reminded me more of a chimp on speed) and staring into each other’s eyes in a deep, meaningful way.

I did not need to see all this at 8am on a Monday morning. Kthxbai.

You know mX’s Here’s Looking At You section (as famously subverted by Bron)? Well, I’d like to send out a GrodsCorp-style Here’s Looking At You shout-out to the goal shooter on the white team playing netball this evening at GroupthinkFC’s indoor sports stadium.

To the goal shooter with the blonde hair and the knockout chest pass. Maybe we can say hello at the vending machine next match?

– The Editor, GrodsCorp

Ant and Jeremy send a Here’s Looking At You shout-out to the centre on the same team.

To the tall brunette at the centre of our attention. We’d love you to be the centre of our lives.

– Ant and Jeremy, The Intertubes

Sorry, what’s that? You want to know GroupthinkFC’s score? Unfortunately I’m not at liberty to discuss that.

Everybody, give a loud cheer to that fantastic newspaper called mX. HOORAY!

Why?

Well, as some of you may remember, a couple of weeks ago I sat next to Gordon Gekko one morning on the train to work, and since I’d left my book at home, I was fascinated by the writing in his notepad, open on his lap, instead. Those notes kept me wildly entertained for the whole journey, even if it did cause some heartbreak in the end.

In the comments that followed, I was urged to track him down again and “read his notebook”, which would have been a very difficult thing to do (I can barely remember what he looks like, except for the hair slicked back). Then I (who else but wonderful me?) hit on the excellent idea of leaving a message in the “Here’s looking at you” letters section in that free rag distributed in the afternoons to commuters, mX.

Ant immediately followed my suggestion with his suggestion with what to submit. I duly agreed and submitted it to mX, with slight modifications.

Then waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Every single day, I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until TODAY! Thanks to Wah, who used his contacts and got the bloody letter published. I was so excited to see the letter published in the rag, that I nearly waltzed all the way down the tunnel to the train.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on this:

OH SHAT! Wrong photo. That’s The Editor’s missing Gravatar.

This, look, this:

How good is that?! On the train home, I watched every person reading mX like a hawk, waiting to see the funny expressions on their faces that would no doubt surely follow. My lips were dry, my left leg kept shaking, my right hand twitching, my left ear squeaking.

Nothing. Blank faces. They didn’t care. They just did not care. I wanted to lean over and helpfully point to my letter and say, “Hey, look at that crazy letter. Crazy, innit?” But I didn’t. It felt weird to be able to see my name and Grods’ name and see the schmucks reading the letters and not even reacting. Of course, there’s a very strong probability that the letter meant nothing to them.

So, once again, dear readers, I regret to come to the conclusion that GrodsCorp has failed to set the world alight and hearts a-flutter.

Of course, I had nothing to do with it.

Not only did I weep on the train this morning on my way to work, I also wept on the train on my way home.

MX, that highly regarded and informative, hard-hitting free newspaper distributed to commuters every afternoon from about 3.30pm onwards (in Sydney, at least), was thrust into my unwilling hands as I rushed into the train station. After a bitch fight pushing heavily pregnant women and geriatric men with Zimmer frames out of the way to grab the last seat, I settled back for a good read.

One of my favourite parts — or not so favourite, I can’t really decide — is the letters page, especially the little section called “Here’s looking at you”, where people leave messages for other people they’ve seen on a train or bus that they fancy, or simply want to root.

For example,

The stunner with the purple bag and black-rim glasses who gets on at Sutherland at 7.29am, you brighten my day.

– James, Wollongong.

While that’s a little sappy, it’s reflective of the usual shout-outs that get printed. However, every once in a while, a really, really, really terrible one gets printed, and so it was today when I read the following and wept because of its sheer awfulness:

The girl in the brown leather jacket on the 6.30 Waterfall train. If you were a McDonald’s burger, you’d be a McGorgeous.

– Tristan, Cronulla.

Here’s Melbourne’s “quality” broadsheet delivering the kind of quality investigative journalism that we’ve sadly come to expect from it.

Seriously, Melburnians should just read MX. At least it’s free.

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Prophet, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss the following:

* Kardboard Kevin
* MX
* Bike riding
* Tennis grunting
* Immature international cricketers
* World Cup 2018
* Melbourne F1 Grand Prix
* The Oscars
* Much, much more

** For some reason Episode 4 seems to play when you click “play now” instead of Episode 5. I’m looking into this error — probably something to do with the cache. For now, click on “play in popup” to make sure you hear the latest episode **

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