Four reasons why the Navy ’sex scandal’ is a malodourous beat-up:

1. There is nothing particularly unusual about young men discussing their philistinic dreams of sexual conquests, both likely and improbable. There’s no real scandal in writing these things down, unless they involve degrading personal commentary that subsequently harms someone. If we’re going to start sacking or indicting males aged 17-28 for playing silly games and thinking with the wrong head, a quarter of society will be out of work or in the slammer.

2. It’s the military, fer Chrissakes. It has a blokey, boozy, misogynistic culture, fuelled by large amounts of testosterone, perpetuated by playing with big guns and propagated by living in a hothouse environment, at close quarters with each other for eleven months of the year. When not fighting, which is 99 percent of the time, they spend their hours either training, being yelled at, oiling their guns, swabbing poop decks, whatever. It’s hardly surprising that they’d engage in dubious horseplay to relieve the boredom.

3. Why the hell do we expect our military to be a paragon of gender equality and political correctness anyway? Their job is to kill people and blow things up – do we really believe this attracts libertarians, feminists and Greens voters?  Or that it doesn’t attract risk-takers, loose cannons or people of dubious psychological integrity? The problem lies not with the people concerned but the glorification of military service that’s been ongoing in this country since Howard came to power.  The ADF has always done and continues to do a fine job – but it is not a patrician class, upholding civilised mores or furthering higher social values. The military’s job is to protect the values of liberal democracy, not to practise them.

4. Horniness in the military is now entirely understandable, given that the ADF is now headed by John Faulkner – the world’s sexiest politician (if you’re a practising female actuary). $250 for John and $300 if he keeps his glasses on. Yum yum.

An Australian hydrographic mission has been floating about off Western Australia, its sonar sweeping the ocean floor like The Editor bringing it home on Guitar Hero – and as soon as they find something, the blonde frog pops up to take the credit:

“This is a historic day for all Australians and a sad day for all Australians as we confirm the discovery of the HMAS Sydney,” Mr Rudd said.

A historic day, sure, but a sad day? Wouldn’t it only be sad if there was a possibility that the Sydney hadn’t sunk and that its crew members weren’t dead? Where might they have been hiding these past 66 years … Gilligan’s Island? Surely it’s a day for feeling sombre but relieved, finally knowing where the poor buggers lay.

As much as I’m annoyed about Rudd milking this event to get his head on TV, the fact that it’s not one John W. Howard does tickle me. He’ll have to resign himself to touring the US and announcing that he’s discovered political obsoletism.