The Internet is a sublime creation: I learn something from it every day. Today I learned about octopus sex:

A man whose self-esteem is so low he identifies himself as a beast has admitted to downloading images showing sexual acts with an octopus.

Rodney Scott McLagan, 48, of South Arm, was caught with 31,000 images and video files involving sexual acts with children, dogs, ponies, snakes, tigers and an octopus.

What. The. Fuck. Octopuses?! How the hell do you screw one in the first place? Or do you let it do you, eight times over? What type of malevolent sicko engages in such an act?

Curiosity got the better of me and, shame of shame, I went a-Googling. And what do you know… there’s an entire Japanese sub-culture dedicated to sexual congress between humans and cephalopods. According to Wykypedya:

Tentacled creatures appeared in Japanese erotica long before animated pornography; among the most famous of the early instances (and perhaps the first) is a Hokusai woodcut called The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife, depicting a woman sexually entwined with a pair of octopuses.

Most unnervingly, last night we had calamari for dinner. I just hope none of these freaks got their hands on it - or anything else - before it hit the frypan.