Peter Costello: gone but not forgotten.

It’s quite appropriate that Costello is displayed next to books about fear and chickens

Peter Costello writes a column for the Fairfax papers today. In it, he tries desperately to justify his political existence over the past decade-and-a-bit and shift the goalposts on the judgement of his legacy.

Which is the true test of political success, the office or the outcome?

Well, Peter, I would say the outcome is important, but so is one’s willingness to grab hold of an opportunity when it is presented to them. You know you lacked the balls, and you’re also aware that history will record that fact for posterity. Deal.

This guy — let’s call him Peter — walks into a brothel but has no money. His mate — let’s call him John — promises that if he can go first he’ll shout him a root when he’s done. But John reneges on the agreement and refuses to lend Peter the money. Peter notices that John has left his wallet sitting on the table, wide open, hundreds of dollars hanging out, nobody in the room watching, but Peter lacks the courage to take the money out of the wallet. However, John finally leaves the brothel after staying for way too long and infuriating the working girls by saying that erections were a “non-core” promise, and gives Peter the money he promised him ages ago. But even then Peter can’t work up the courage to go and purchase himself a shag.

About now another mate of Peter’s — let’s call him Brendan — enters the brothel and (after telling everyone repeatedly that he is a doctor and playing them gnarly riffs on one of his five guitars and showing them photos of his Harley Davidsons) pushes in front of Peter to get his end away. Brendan doesn’t hang around for long though, giving Peter another chance to do what he’s been waiting ages to do.

By this time the brothel staff and other customers are getting sick and tired of this Peter guy telling them with false bravado about how he’s, like, the best root on the planet, and how he makes the laydeez crazy, and how he’s so totally going to have sex with this chick … soon. Some of the staff and other clients get a bit impatient, telling Peter to do it or just fuck off.

And then another guy — let’s call him Malcolm — walks in. Malcolm struts about like he’s been waiting his whole life for this moment. He cruises past the waiting Peter and enters the bedroom with a smug look of self-assuredness on his face. While Malcolm’s making sex (tweeted live from his BlackBerry) Peter is sitting in the waiting room, shit-eating grin plastered on his face, hinting none-too-subtly that he’s going to walk on in there and throw Malcolm off the bed. There’s tension in the brothel. Tension so thick you can cut it. All eyes are on Peter. And then …

Peter walks out.

“He will be seen forever as a wrecker who distracted and damaged the party by feeding hopes he never had the courage to fulfil. He [is] finished. A permanent joke. The big tease.”

Peter Costello blows his own trumpet, effectively declaring his intention to seek leadership.

(Actually, Peter has people to blow his trumpets for him.) “Blow, my pretties! Blow!”

Andrew Bolt breaks his pants.

News flash: Peter Costello is staying on in Higgins. This confirms his intention to become Liberal leader.

Malcolm Turnbull broods, knowing that his chances of ever becoming Prime Minister just dropped through the floor.

“It isn’t fair! I deserve it!”

Imagine being Malcolm Turnbull logging into the prestigious and respected NineMSN news website over your Sunday morning Nescafe, only to find this poll on the front page:

Then imagine being Malcolm Turnbull clicking on the associated link, only to find this story from the archives:

Imagine being Malcolm Turnbull and feeling as invisible as you would.

(Thanks to reader Phyllis Stein.)

Will-he-or-won’t-he Liberal backbencher Peter Costello has spent much of his political career sulking petulantly about not being handed glory on a silver platter. Since his party moved to the opposition benches in late 2007, Costello has turned up “petulant whinging” to 11, finding a reason in every situation to sook. This time he’s sooking about the Australia 2020 summit.

It is now 12 months since 1000 people gathered in Parliament House for the Australia 2020 Summit. The Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, selected them as “1000 of Australia’s best and brightest people … to help shape the nation’s future”.

[...]

As one not among Rudd’s 1000 “best and brightest”…

Boo fucking hoo. Why didn’t rude Kevvie invite me to be in his cool group? Doesn’t he know that I was the person who set in place the foundations of economic policy in 1997 that made the Australia 2020 summit possible.

Poor, poor Malcy.

Dr John Hewson, I could kiss you on the nuts.

Peter [Costello]. Enough is enough. If your few remaining mates won’t tell you, I will. You’ve had a fair go. If you now won’t give others a chance and pull your weight as a member of the team, you should move on.

It is most unlikely that you will ever be drafted as leader of the Liberal Party, and even less likely that you will ever be prime minister.

[...]

You didn’t have the balls to seize the moment then, leaving the leadership by default to John Howard. And you haven’t had the balls, or the numbers, since.

[...]

You are bone-lazy. Just count your output, press releases/conferences, speeches, electoral visits, and other examples of your work ethic or “availability” compared with (say) Paul Keating when he was treasurer.

I also doubt that you have the skills, experience or self-confidence to have accepted the obvious job for you, having decided to stay on after losing the last election: namely, shadow treasurer. You’d be lost without Treasury. You may have delivered 11 budgets, but ask yourself honestly how many of them were actually yours, rather than Treasury’s. I am told that Treasury is now drawing a sharp contrast between your little interest and involvement and that of Wayne Swan.

Make popcorn, get comfortable, and watch the Liberals eat themselves alive.

Peter Costello went on the telly the other night to criticise the Rudd Government’s handling of the economic crisis.

Peter Costello has declared the Rudd Government is “rattled” by the global financial crisis, saying the stimulus package is a “poor-quality spend” that would not shift the economy.

The former treasurer accused Labor of undermining rather than adding to economic confidence, and said he would have been talking up its strength if he were still in office.

And here’s the thing: Petey could be leader of the Opposition right now if he could only stop sulking long enough to say “yes”. When the most experienced and senior member of the Parliamentary Liberal Party is so petulant he refuses to lead his troops, instead slinking off to the backbenches to snipe and sulk, he loses the right to say what he’d do if he was in office.

Peter Costello: fuck off.

Grodsters, imagine this. Last year, one of our number – for argument’s sake, let’s call him Pedro – went for a promotion in his job and missed out. A successful and capable worker for many years, Pedro was understandably furious, so he spat the dummy and retreated into a dim, dark corner of the office, muttering about finding another job where his talents would be better appreciated. But to date, he’s still on the payroll.

Now it has emerged that Pedro has been pegging his employer big-style. Not only has he been doing three-quarters of seven-eights of SFA, Pedro has taken 13 sick days this year and pissed off to do work for another firm. He’s attended a few meetings but the only minuted accounts of him saying anything is when he whinges from the back of the room. In addition, he’s been bringing his laptop to work and pissing about writing a fantasy novel on the company’s time.

Meet Pedro. It’s now time for Pedro’s employers to tell him to fuck off.

Trust me to be at another humiliating GroupThinkFC defeat* (3-8; congratulations to champion GTFC vs. Weezers tipster, Keri) while the exciting news of a Liberal Party leadership spill floods the airways. If Nelson does get pegged tomorrow then brokenleftleg will be our champion Nelson’s demise tipster. However, I’m hoping like all hell for one of three outcomes:

a) Turnbull is thoroughly rebuked by the party and suffers terminal ego cancer, and GrodsCorp continues to have Nelson as blog fodder for the foreseeable future;
b) Costello is voted in by a reasonable majority but refuses to accept leadership unless he receives 100% support; or
c) Wilson Tuckey gets up.

Whatever happens it’s going to be an interesting day. Bring it on!

UPDATE: The Age has confirmed that Julie Bishop, Tony Abbott and Joe Hockey are all out of the running for leader.

Joe Hockey, Tony Abbott and deputy Liberal leader Julie Bishop have all been pegged as potential leadership aspirants.

* I didn’t even get the chance to grab an opposition player’s balls because I was in too much pain after my balls got slammed by an opposition player’s hip.

Next week is the release of Peter Costello’s memoirs. The Daily Telegraph (I know, I know, I was just looking at their website) has “obtained key details” of the 400-page book.

Apparently, Costello claims that he was given a “wink and a nod” on five or six occasions, that Mr Howard would stand aside, during the tenure of their partnership.

Five or six occasions? And you never had the guts to challenge Howard to keep his promise after each occasion, Mr Costello? Didn’t you realise that after the first and second broken promises that Howard NEVER intended to honour them?!

Incredible. This reflects just as badly on Costello as it does on Howard, if not more.

As for Costello contesting the next Liberal leadership – come on! Does anyone really think he’s going to do that now? He never did when he had the chance, especially on “five or six occasions”, and never will. He ain’t got no ticker.

GrodsCorp today presents you with two chances to win everlasting glory. Simply caption the photos below by COB Friday and I will award gold, silver and bronze medals for each picture to those GrodsReaders who pay me the most, second most, and third most money. Good luck!

PICTURE 1:

PICTURE 2:

I’d love to know which goose asked this question of Brendan Nelson (who’s come out of hiding to non-answer some questions while overseas.)

QUESTION: Is it upsetting for example you know there’s now a Facebook page trying to recruit Peter Costello to the leadership? Is that sort of thing personally insulting?

Oh, for fuck’s sake. In terms of quality journalism that’s up there with “[insert search term here] returns 100,000 results on Google” and “look at this dumb thing that some dumb person has put on eBay”. And anyway, there are five different Facebook groups that support Costello’s ascension to the leadership and Prime Ministership.

That’s a massive grand total of 197 people on Facebook who want Peter Costello to lead the Libs. Hardly the groundswell of support that justifies a doorstop question.

Oh, and then there are these groups. I’m lovin’ that first photograph and the threat of ritualistic beheading.

That’s 59 people who oppose Costello’s leadership; just under a third of the number of those in favour. Where’s the dopey journalist’s (sic) question about those groups then?

But perhaps the most insightful Peter Costello group on Facebook is this one.

Peter Costello: pwned.

The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, The Happy Revolutionary, Andy Blume and Craig discuss:

* Costello’s cocktease
* Ramos-Horta loves Vanstone for evah
* Come on, Sam Newman
* Myki: fuck you
* Beheading is the new black
* TardWatch (formerly known as Funniest Things On The Intertubes)

** Because Jeremy is desperately downloading this episode from Heathrow Airport Seaport, use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

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