After reading The Editor’s take on objectionable clown Tiberius’s piece on AWH, I took a look at Tiberius’s website, and what do you know, some guy I’d never heard of (and you haven’t either) is running for President of the United States for some reason. Awww, shucks, sounds like an easy target for a blog post doesn’t it?
He outlines why he is running for President in measured, intelligent terms:
At this point, there are no viable candidates on either side of the aisle that have what it takes to fight terrorism, reduce crime, and get rid of illegal aliens who blare their ranchero music while driving to the elementary school to find a new rape victim.
Hooray! I can’t make this stuff up people. My grin gew larger as I read down the page and discovered his “Cooper Manifesto”.
1. The Iraqi Reformation Act – The first part of the act will be to divide Iraq into three countries: The Sunni Triangle, The Shi’ia State (known as “New Iran”) and Kurdistan (the only people truly deserving of our help).
The second part will be to allow the inhabitants of those three new countries to hold elections, fight revolutions, draw straws, or do whatever the fuck they want to create their own leadership. It’s no longer our problem. As long as they don’t attack us or threaten our interests, they can have whatever type of government their god will permit them.
He even comes up with a brilliant solution to the oil problem:
As far as the Iraqi oil goes, I say let them keep it. True, we would be within our rights to take over their oil fields and keep them for ourselves to pay off the monumental costs of this war
Yes, it’s all their fault we invaded!
Next up is his WMD Reduction act. Sounds sensible, doesn’t it? Except that he wants to reduce the numer of WMD’s by dropping them on other countries. I don’t think he thought that one through.
Michael Cooper also hates free speech:
3. The STFU Act – This act will require all anti-American entertainers who bray about “being silenced” or how President Bush has “taken away our rights” to publicly admit they were wrong when they subsequently go on to win an Academy or Grammy award (or enjoy increased success as a result of exercising the Freedom of Speech they say they don’t have). This will also bar any leftist douche from decrying America as a warmongering country if he beats his own wife (Sean Penn), slaps the shit out of his girlfriend (Jackson Browne) or emotionally abuses his children (Alec Baldwin). All politicians, celebrities, and other self-important assholes who ride in limos and fly around in private airplanes will not be allowed to lecture anybody else about “global warning,” and anybody with less than a doctorate in physics will be barred from talking about their theories on how 9/11 was an “inside job.”
What does having a doctorate in physics have to do with 9/11?
Next comes his Hector-Tweaker act, yet another oppurtunity to kill someone who isn’t white (he sure loves doing that).
But luckily for us, he believes in cultural diversity. Introducing the The Cultural Diversity Act I, which bans Koreans from attending university to prove that he’s not racist. He follows this up with the Cultural Diversity Act II, which then bans Muslims from attending university for no good reason what-so-ever, which he calls “embracing diversity”.
His next two points, the Military Fairness and Reformation Act and Gender Equity in Media Act need no mention, except to say that this guy needs to get laid.
The Butch Act needs to be mentioned, but should probably be renamed the Uncertain about my own sexuality Act.
The Education Reform Act calls for the banning of teacher unions, and for students to keep their opinions to themselves.
His last 6 acts show where he ran out of ideas, because they don’t make any sense.
Read it all HERE, and he thankful he has no chance of actually winning.
