The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, The Happy Revolutionary, Andy Blume and Craig discuss:

* Costello’s cocktease
* Ramos-Horta loves Vanstone for evah
* Come on, Sam Newman
* Myki: fuck you
* Beheading is the new black
* TardWatch (formerly known as Funniest Things On The Intertubes)

** Because Jeremy is desperately downloading this episode from Heathrow Airport Seaport, use only the “Play in popup” link or the “Download” link. **

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Together, let us sit upon the ground, sing sad songs and chronicle the end of John ‘Sam’ Newman’s television career:

Thursday – Newman sees footage of Tasmanian tourism minister Paula Wriedt, finds her attractive and expresses a desire to “come on her”. He is pulled into line and castigated by James Brayshaw, who Newman tells to “shut up”. He writes off the incident as a misinterpretation.

Friday – Nine defends Newman for the umpteenth time. The producer of The Footy Show  suggests he’s done “nothing wrong”, and that Newman is “horrified” his comments might have been taken in a sexual context. Despite apparently having nothing to apologise for, Newman ‘phones Wriedt to apologise.

Saturday – Female MPs predictably call for Newman’s removal from the show. Wriedt’s father admits that she was upset by the incident.

Monday - Wriedt attempts to take her own life and is rushed to hospital for emergency treatment.

Now, nobody in their right mind would suggest that ‘Sam’ Newman is directly responsible for Wriedt’s suicide attempt. Reports suggest that Wriedt had many more pressing issues in her life than a single smutty remark: a second marriage breakdown, separation from her two children, the burden of being a state minister, a failed bid for the deputy leadership and declining voter support. But it cannot have helped. The crass comment drew unwanted media attention to Wriedt at what was obviously a difficult time in her personal and professional life. Newman was not aware of Wriedt’s personal situation but that’s precisely why more respectful and circumspect commentary or ‘comedy’ is necessary.

This could be the last straw for Nine, which has ridden with Newman over many blips and freefalls but has probably had about enough. To use a term from one of ‘Sam’s own personal obsessions, he may find himself ejaculated from television forever.

It has always been my contention that footballers are muscle-bound mannequins with the ethical and intellectual capacity of Rhesus monkeys, overpaid and glorified beyond all logic and social value; that football clubs are clusters of selfish, misogynistic, homophobic ego with some gold paint slapped on the outside by PR suits; and that most footballers’ wives are vacuous, moribund clothes-horses whose moral compass hasn’t pointed ‘North’ since they were about 12. And these stories from the past four days do nothing to dampen my faith:

1.Alex Fevola, who back in December 2006 said “her marriage to football star Brendan was over”, has a preening, Wynettesque essay in today’s Herald Sun, so hideously erratic and self-obsessed that wouldn’t sound out of place if you read it on some 14-year-old’s Myspace. According to Alex, Brendan has done very little wrong (pissing on a wall was “insignificant”) and, like, he’s a good footballer and, like, a good dad so get off his case, okaaaay? No mention in Alex’s whine about Brendan jumping a bar in Ireland to belt some guy who refused to serve him. And nothing about his fly-in-fly-out fuckathons with similarly-smitten bimbo Lara Bingle (Alex seems to have developed amnesia since then).

2. Sam Newman, only a few weeks back from a Nine-imposed hiatus from The Footy Show for sexist denigration of a female journalist, opens his heart to tell viewers of his desire to ejaculate on a member of the Tasmanian state cabinet. Worse, he then insults everyone’s intelligence by trying to explain it away as something else, while Nine says that Newman has “done nothing wrong”. Newman’s mate Neil Mitchell will undoubtedly be on-air tomorrow defending him (Mitchell describes Newman as a “cutting-edge comedian”, further proof that the 3AW ego-for-hire couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow, whereas Newman seems to have mistaken his knob for his cerebrum.)

3. Fisherman-with-microphone Rex Hunt is up in arms when the media comes calling in relation to a road rage incident Hunt was allegedly involved in. “I couldn’t care less what people think of me” says Hunt, while refusing to deny that he was involved in the clash where a cyclist received a possible broken finger. Back in 2006 it was revealed that Rex couldn’t care less what his wife thought either, when his ‘cash-for-gash’ exploits (one of Newman’s quaint terms) were exposed in the media. Rex was less camera-shy in 2005 when he was punched by some teenagers in Byron Bay and wanted to share his pain, annoyance and social commentary with the world. Yibbedy-yibbedah.

4. Former Richmond player Andrew Krakouer cops 16 months in the slammer after a vicious assault outside a nightclub, where he kicked his victim in the head repeatedly. If Andrew wants advice on prison life he could call his dad Jim, who served nine years for attempting to smuggle amphetamines across the Nullabor back in the 1990s. When Krakouer Snr. was paroled in 2004, he was feted by the football media as a man trying to rebuild his life and become a good father and role-model to his son. Don’t think it worked somehow.

There are exceptions to every rule and there certainly are to this one. But throw others like Wayne Carey, Gary Ablett, Jeff Farmer, Ben Cousins, Daniel Kerr, Alan Didak, Dean Brogan, David Dench et al into the mix and it becomes apparent that while AFL footballers past and present make up 0.04% of the population, they seem to generate a much greater proportion of crime, scandal and social disruption. The odd thing is that nobody seems to be acknowledging the fact or asking why.

Andrew Bolt has spent the last couple of weeks valiantly defending Channel Nine’s bigot-in-residence, Sam Newman, against an overwhelming tide of public opinion. Bolta doesn’t like they way them evil lefties at the network have told Newman he can’t return to The Footy Show unless he attends counselling for his wimin-hatin’ ways. According to Bolt, Newman is being brainwashed and “re-educated” by teh left.

It is absurd to now have people hauled off to reeducation for sayings things to which some powerful others take exception. Not just absurd, either, but deeply concerning.

Andy conveniently leaves out the simple fact that Newman doesn’t have to attend counselling — he can tell his bosses at Channel Nine to go fuck themselves if he so desires — but he must attend counselling if he wants to continue appearing on The Footy Show. Most other TV personalities would have been escorted from the studio for lesser offences than Newman’s, and certainly wouldn’t be given the dozens of chances over a decade that Newman has had. If anything, he should be incredibly thankful for the chance of continued employment.

But Bolta doesn’t get any of that because he’s too busy being infuriated by how terribly shameful it is for Newman to have to attend counselling.

This “counselling” of wrong-thinkers as if they were diseased is not just a grave insult but a kind of authoritarianism best left buried with the KGB’s psychiatric hospitals for political dissidents.

Evil, evil PC-brigade leftists. But just when you thought it couldn’t get any more farcical, Andy tries to ramp up the guilts by referring to an unrelated injury of Newman’s that requires the use of crutches, and makes this bold statement.

Pictures like this, of Newman hobbling to his deprogramming, should shame us all:

No it shouldn’t.

I’ve got the Logies on here and I’m working, so not really watching it, however I’ll take time out to make some observations:

1. It’s shit.

2. Bindi Irwin ‘best new talent’?!? She’s about as new as the Internets.

3. Is that Mister G character singing about young girls dying from drug overdoses really that funny? The same two-bit celebs in the audience giggling at it will probably sneak into the lavs during the ad break, to dole out and snort up the booger-sugar.

4. There was a flashback to a previous Logies where apparently a snake bit Tim Webster on the left testicle. For once I was sorry to have missed something on the Logies.

5. Sam Newman was mentioned at one point and was heartily ‘boo-ed’. He’s currently as popular as tinea, though there are probably still women idiot enough to sleep with him.

6. The spike-haired twerp from Getaway made an error of fact when he suggested that Westlife would be looking for “hot chicks”. Westlife’s lead singer suggested he’d actually be looking for “hot men”. The spike-haired twerp from Getaway had better watch his back.

7. It’s still shit.