I was leafing through DVDs in the school library yesterday when I came across a disc from Narcanon — the drug rehabilitation arm of the “Church” of Scientology. How it got there I have no idea, but I simply had to borrow it out and take a look.

How cool is that ’80s German indoor sports centre-style font and logo?

Reading the accompanying literature I quickly worked out that it was a free promo kit sent out by Narconon to try and convince the school to pay for drug education talks run by the Scientologists. Now, the Narconon approach to drug education and rehabilitation has been pulled apart quite comprehensively elsewhere so I won’t waste much time here on Grods, save to point out how hilarious this particular DVD and leaflet were.

Let’s start with the video which I’ve helpfully uploaded to YouTube for your enjoyment. Try really hard not to picture Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko while you keep in mind my favourite bits:

* Picture of a young schoolgirl, full of hope and promise. Dissolve to a depressed looking emo kid with smudged eyeliner. V/O: “What a terrible waste it is to allow something like this… to turn into something like this, just for the sake of learning a few facts about what drugs are and what they do.”
* The brilliantly meaningless scribbles on the blackboard.
* The highly scientific and charisma-free claim by the educator (sic) to the strains of corporate video soundtrack that, “A drug is basically a poison. (Leans forward, leans back.) Okay? (Claps hands.) A small amount makes a person (walks like a chicken) hyper. Some more of the same drug puts a person (feigns sleep and snores) to sleep. And a whole lot of the drug (holds arms wide) in a short period of time (brings hands together and claps loudly) knocks a person dead.”

Nowhere in the Narconon video or the leaflet is the link to Scientology disclosed. The credits note the influence of L. Ron Hubbard in small print while the book simply says this.

Narconon was founded in 1966 by William Benitez, who was an inmate of Arizona State Prison. Benitez read a book by American author L. Ron Hubbard, and became familiar with Mr. Hubbard’s drug rehabilitation methods.

But the “educator” shown in the video, Charlie Tonna, is extremely active in the “Church” Of Scientology (he became an Operating Thetan IV in 2002) and the patron (Kate Cebrano) and board of Narconon are all Scientologists. Plus, Narconon Australia pays a percentage of its gross income to Narconon International which belongs to a company with strong Scientology links.

However, if the freaks are going to talk to the kiddies without referring to any Scientology and without spruiking their Scientology-based services, then why not give them a chance? Here’s what the book says.

Narconon found that the drug education methods currently in use are not always getting the desired result with children or adults. The use of drugs and alcohol amongst young people is still on the increase and both children and adults, once hooked, find it very difficult to escape the addiction.

Fair enough. But what exactly have they got to offer that’s so different to other drug ed programs?

Narconon has also discovered the powerful role of humour in getting through to people. We found out through survey results that the more humour we used, the more dangerous people thought drugs were and the less likely they were to try them. We don’t just tell people to “say no”, we educate them to come to that conclusion on their own.

Well, I certainly laughed my arse off at Charlie Tonna and the video, but probably not for the right reasons. I doubt this is the comedic reaction they were after.

The whole Narconon spiel screams “scientific basis” about as loudly as the theory of intelligent design. It’s all about vitamins vs. drugs, simplistic statements about drugs’ effects on the body, and “mind pictures”.

The mind is basically made up of pictures, and all the information that a person uses in one’s life comes straight from pictures. This talk graphically demonstrates this phenomenon and shows the link between drug use and the blank spots that occur in one’s mind following the taking of drugs. It also covers which drugs actually scramble one’s pictures and how this can lead to further drug abuse.

The most surprising thing to me was that schools in Victoria have actually let these freaks inside their buildings, if the testimonials on the Narconon Education website are true. But seriously, ask yourself as a parent (or a potential parent): would you let these people near your kids?

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Billybob, and Craig discuss the following:

* “Sorry”
* Brendan Nelson
* Warren Truss
* Andrew Bolt
* Education
* Bogans
* Ray Martin
* John Howard
* Russell Crowe
* Chris Johnston
* Scientology

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 GrodsCast 3 [33:22m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Realising that the 21st century is well-and-truly upon us, GrodsCorp has blundered into the brave new old world of podcasting and presents to you the inaugural GrodsCast (see the play on words there?) GrodsCasts will be recorded weekly on a Tuesday night and broadcast either immediately or the next morning depending on the number of beers we drink during the show.

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Prophet and Craig discuss the following:

* Heath Ledger
* Scientology
* Australia Day
* Telstra
* Don Bradman
* Big Day Out
* Helen Razer
* Jim Schembri
* Chris Johnston

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 GrodsCast 1 [22:58m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

When I said “be gentle” I didn’t mean give me the easy argument – I meant let me win regardless! Never mind. What is done is done.

My jejune competitor is going to try to bamboozle you with ghetto talk and fake personal ads, to cover up the lack of veracity in his arguments. He’ll probably try to pull the old “religious people are liars as are politicians ergo they belong together” trick. That’s a pathetic ruse. I would never resort to cheap gags to win my argument.

Let us take one religion and apply it to the Australian parliament.

Dig, if you will, the picture of Scientologists in charge of our country. Contrary to what those of us who are grounded in reality know, Scientology is a religion. Yes my friends, aliens are among us, and what better place for them to be than in Parliament.

Well, no actually. See, the basis of Scientology is that our souls come from the Galactic Confederacy and a megalomaniac alien named Xenu bombed the living shit out of them (no doubt ’cause he didn’t like the colour of their skin).

The remaining bits are known as thetans and they are what have infested the human beings on this planet, causing harm. Blah blah blah, hand over thousands of dollars and allegedly reach enlightenment (control the rouge thetans or something. I don’t know the details, sue me. It’s not exactly an interesting story.)

Basically, the country would be run by a bunch of people who think they are really from another planet and they only need to keep giving money to their church, become enlightened, then move beyond the physical plane, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Not really operating in the best interests of the general public, is it?

Imagine before each cabinet sitting, the PM forcing the ministers to watch Battlefield Earth. Surely voters would see that no one deserves that – not even politicians.

Instead of Senate enquiries, people would be “audited”. Before voting on the newly introduced bill to allow gay marriage (the person who introduced it sent off to be re-educated), Senators would be required to disclose whether nor not they’d ever had homosexual thoughts, and the new Senate rules would prevent them from casting a vote because they have biased points of view. Hell, Bob Brown and Penny Wong wouldn’t even be allowed to run for Senate!

Required reading for all schoolchildren would be the entire oeuvre of L Ron Hubbard. Mmmmmm… thrilling. Before running for office you’d have to take “parliamentarian tests” to ensure you know your Hubbard. You could guarantee that only the most dedicated Scientologists would be running for office.

The PM wouldn’t be voted for by the members of the ruling party either. Oh no. As an OT III or above, you would automatically be in the running. The higher the OT level, the more likely you are to become PM. When Hubbard eventually returns to earth (all Scientologists know that he will), he will automatically become PM. Theocracy at work!

Once they’ve taken over the government, they’ll move into your home. Criticise Scientology – your family will shun you and you be sent to a detention centre to be re-educated. You’ll spend the rest of your life working to pay off your time spent there because the extensive mandatory “auditing” will have to be paid for by you.

Spending on public health would be down – all anyone needs to fix most ailments is some sunshine and a nice big smile! All that extra cash would be used to build training centres and fund the Fair Game policy that allows for the church to discredit anyone who is critical of their practices. All for the good of the country, you understand.

Just think - Tom Cruise for PM. Kirstie Alley as Deputy. (She’d need to be Health Minister. Make sure all those people who believe they are depressed just get out and get some sunshine. Round up all the psychiatrists before they start WW3.) James Packer would be Treasurer. He’d run the place just as well as he did One-Tel.

Aliens. Imaginary friends. One True Way. In short, religion makes people crazy. Do you want your country run by a bunch of nutbags whose sanity is holding on by the thinnest of threads?