John Howard just now on Radio National’s Breakfast with Fran Kelly. There was a weird sound in the background the whole interview that sounded like a grave being dug. The audio will be up on the Breakfast website soon and you simply must listen to it. My favourite quotes were these (and I paraphrase as best I can from memory):

“I’m upfront; not like Bob Carr, Peter Beattie, Steve Bracks and people like that. I don’t go around saying one thing knowing that I’ll do another.”

Fran Kelly: What about the handover to Peter Costello?

JHo: Well, there may be a personnel transition but there will be policy continuity.

Fran Kelly: What about Peter Costello’s view on the republic?

JHo: Well, um, Fran, um, you’re the first person to raise that issue with me in four-and-a-half weeks. I just don’t think that’s an issue that is on people’s minds out there.

UPDATE: The interview audio is now available.

I’m as surprised as anyone. I’m sure The Ed will have more to say on this in coming days, but for now….

NOT THWAITES!

ANYONE BUT THWAITES!!!

Update: As you were.

I was delighted by Bill Heffernan’s comments last week on Julia Gillard. It was refreshing to hear a politician refusing to veil his deep-seated misogyny and archaic views with words like “family values”, “Christian ethics” and “decency”. More please. Say it like you see it, you old dinosaur.

I couldn’t agree more with Catherine Deveney’s comments about the need for more honesty in politics. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if politicians, and all those in public life, spoke their true mind rather than disguising true thoughts with weasel language?

Steve Fielding would justify every opinion by referring to the bible rather than the bullshit concept of “family.” Tony Abbott would do the same.

Julia Gillard would say that proposed Labor changes to WorkNoChoices are in response to union demands rather than pretending they’re not.

Steve Bracks would admit that he’s unwilling to tackle problem gambling in Victoria because his government is utterly reliant on the revenue rather than mumbling incoherently and ignoring the topic completely.

All politicians should look to those patriots at A Western Heart who lead the way in honesty. It’s just a simple tale of bitch meets pig:

Last night A Current Affair had the story of a stupid bitch who married a muslim pig, had a child with him, and then watched as said muslim pig kidnapped her daughter and stole her away.

Of course that begs the question of what the fuck is wrong with you women? Why the fuck are you still marrying these muslim savages and then wondering why they ‘change’ on you. Here’s a hint, you stupid molls – THEY DON”T CHANGE! That is how they really are and you are either too fucking blind to see through their bullshit act or you are too fucking stupid to understand what islam really is.

I propose legislation that any non-muslim woman converting and/or marrying a muslim should be stripped of her citizenship and deported to a muslim shithole of her owner’s…sorry…. her husband’s choice. That way there is no need to steal any children because they are already there.

Now that’s telling it like it is.

Why didn’t I think to invest in Hitachi trains?

From The Age:

In 2002, it decided to scrap and sell its ageing Hitachi train fleet. Mr Horne picked up half for the bargain price of $2600 per carriage. Last November he sold three carriages back to the State Government for $60,000, a profit of more than 700 per cent.

The closest I have ever come to a deal as dick-hardeningly good as that is when I traded the Split Enz single Late Last Night that I bought for $2 for an autographed CD.

Hitachi trains were first introduced in 1972, and were widely admired as they were the first train to be made entirely from stainless steel. I like to imagine that people in the 70’s used to watch the Hitachi speed past, shake their heads with a rueful chuckle, and dream of the future.

Now the Hitachi trains are, to put it lightly, total garbage. They shake, they rattle, they roll, and when some goober has opened a window you can’t hear anyone near you talk.

“WHAT?” you will shout in vain.

“I’m sleeping with your best friend!” she will cry, arms flailing.

“What?!” you scream, eyes popping from your forehead in a vain attempt to comprehend the muffled sounds eminating from her lips.

And so on.

Today, I was unfortunate enough to catch a Hitachi for the first time in ages from Camberwell. The interior of the train brought to mind a homosexual’s nightmare, as many-a gay man has woken from his slumber screaming after dreaming of fake wood panelling.

I mean, really!

Is stock from the early 70’s really what Melbourne should be using in the new millenium? For once, the blame can’t be levelled at Connex as they don’t own the trains – the government does.

Mr. Horne is really cleaning up:

That deal would be worth between $150,000 and $200,000 per train, including the $25,000 cost of trucking each carriage to Melbourne. But in another deal the Government got a bargain, securing another six-carriage set from rail enthusiast group Elecrail for $35,000.

Incidentally, I also visited the infamous Nobbies visitors centre this weekend. Two Bracks screw-ups in two days, aren’t I a lucky boy?

(Cross posted on the excellent Random Brainwave)

State governments are experts at dodgy accounting, and Victoria is notorious for its “economic benefit” figures released after each major event to justify massive taxpayer subsidies. But Sports Minister James Merlino has brilliantly applied his dodgy accounting skills to a new set of numbers: FINA world swimming championships attendance figures.

Mr Merlino reckons that the total attendance over the course of the event was 219,000, indicating a FINA world record. “We set ourselves the target of beating the record set in Barcelona in 2003 and we achieved that,” he said. However, that figure includes — wait for it — athletes, coaches, media and volunteers. What a joke.

The real attendance total (paying spectators, that is) was a paltry 162,000. In comparison, last week’s eight-game AFL round had a total attendance of 364,544 (364,848 if you count players and coaches.)

It’s time the Bracks government got over its ridiculous addiction to major events of dubious value and reallocated the millions of dollars in donations it gives them to areas of actual importance. Let’s start with education.

After three weeks of boring-as-batshit election campaigning, pundits across Victoria are almost unanimously calling the election in favour of Steve Bracks and the ALP. The only real unknown, they say, is the number of seats that Ted Baillieu will be able to claw back from Labor’s monster majority.

GrodsCorp sees it differently. It is our view that a massive nine days out from the poll Ted Baillieu and the Liberals have snatched the election out of the ALP’s waiting hands. In a stroke of political genius Ted has released the following policy:

Young people would be given $10 taxi vouchers to attend “life coaching” seminars… as part of the Liberal Party’s plans to attract the youth vote.

Under his policy, 17 and 18-year-olds would be given a $10 taxi voucher to encourage them to attend one-day summer seminars on a range of “real-life situations”, such as the dangers of drug taking or trafficking, responsible driving and body piercing.

BAM! WHACK! KAPOW! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bracksy!

With his finger so clearly on the pulse of yoof Ted Baillieu can almost certainly count on the votes of all 17 and 18-year-olds set to benefit from the policy (especially the 17-year-olds) along with their mums, dads, siblings, aunts, great-grandfathers and former flatmates. That’s an awful lot of votes.

Victorian yoof interviewed by GrodsCorp have expressed nothing but praise for the policy and admiration for Ted Baillieu. “I’ve been considering trafficking drugs for some time,” said one yoof, “but had a suspicion that if I went to a seminar about the dangers of doing so I might change my mind. The problem for me, however, is that I have no decent public transport anywhere near my house and I wouldn’t be able to get to the lecture anyway. A taxi voucher to attend one of these seminars will ensure I won’t spend the rest of my life in a Bali jail. It would’ve been cool to meet Schapelle though. She’s got sick norks.”

“I would love to go to a seminar about body piercing,” said another yoof, “and the $10 taxi voucher will just about get me from my house to around the corner outside the maccas. From there I don’t mind at all chipping in the other $25 needed to get to the seminar.”

It is GrodsCorp’s understanding that ALP strategists have been witnessed crying out in anguish at not thinking of such a brilliant policy first. A senior government insider (who wished to remain anonymous) tells us that the entire membership of the ALP policy committee has tendered its resignation due to their disastrous miscalculation. When history books are written about Victorian politics in the early 21st century this will surely be remembered as a crucial turning point in the State’s history and the beginning of the end for the Victorian Labor Party.

And remember, readers, you heard it at GrodsCorp first.

In the last ten days there’s been so much to blog about but I’ve been locked in a battle between my final university submission due on Tuesday and the new kitten, Napoleon, who is determined to use my keyboard as his personal highway. Let’s do some GrodsNibbles.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent
We successfully shot six more episodes of LCI: Preston (as Billybob has started to call it) last Saturday, managing to rope in Greeny and a very hesitant mate of J,The’s to fill new roles. J,The’s mate was concerned that he had never acted before and would look a fool. We simply showed him the first six episodes and he felt much better. Because of this uni work the new episodes won’t be edited until next Wednesday (with a massive hangover, I’d wager) so episode seven, due Tuesday, will be delayed a day or two. Tony T. of After Grog Blog will be well pleased with episode seven. Head over and peruse his blog to find out why.

2) Climate change and Howard’s hot air
It’s been interesting to watch the Howard Government desperately scrambling to change their line on global warming over the last couple of weeks. Times like these are a reminder that maybe John Howard’s not such the smooth political operator he’s often painted to be, caught once again in a half-snooze somewhere between public opinion, his personal, outdated ideology, and secret dreams of quiet afternoons at the retirement home in front of the telly with a blankey and a warm malted milk. Unfortunately, I despair that the overwhelming majority of Australians who say they are in favour of moving to renewable energy sources will have a sudden change of heart when threatened with higher energy prices.

3) Victoria Decides ‘07
God, I hate it when the media calls elections “[insert region] Decides ‘[insert year]“. Anyway, the Victorian election is shaping up to be an absolute fizzer in the lower house with the only real question being what minor change will be made to Bracksy’s majority. Ted Baillieu is about as interesting and engaging as… well… something that is really, really uninteresting and unengaging. There was a brilliant story, I think in the paper the other day, where Ted jumped on a train to get to a policy announcement and apologised to some passengers for the media intrusion. A lady said to him, “That’s okay, we’re just trying to figure out who you are.”

Priceless.

The upper house will be interesting to watch with a wide open race for the minor parties and control. I fiercely desire any outcome except for anything to do with Family First. If Steve Fielding’s band of sneaky, duplicitous morons take balance of power I’m moving to Adelaide. At least I can vote for Kate Ellis there.

I love elections and usually get nerdlingerly excited about them but this one mostly makes me want to go back to writing my honours for the 12th hour in a row.

4) $90 million for school chaplains
Attention: Kim Beazley. Your job is to provide voters with an alternative to the government. There is so much wrong with this policy that I thought even a bumbling fool such as yourself couldn’t screw it up. At least you could’ve waited a couple of minutes after Howard announced it to give it your unconditional support. Extra big Christmas card from John and Janette this year, Kimbo.