Sex education has been in the news a bit lately, and it’s reminded me of my own education at the hands of a neighbourhood bully when I was a nipper.

One day, when I was about 10, one of the bigger kids in my street took a rare afternoon off beating me to terrorise me with what he’d obviously just learned about the birds and the bees.

He explained that a man inserts his stiffy into a woman’s fanny — which widens somehow to accommodate it — and moves it around for a while until some “spoof” comes out. This, in turn, leads to pregnancy — unless the woman is taking pills or the man has a kind of balloon over his doodle.

I was familiar enough with doodles, fannies and balloons, but couldn’t imagine what spoof was. When I asked him to explain, he said it was thick and chunky, and that it had “beans” in it.

This only confused me more, since I could only imagine beans to be of the Heinz variety. But I didn’t want to push my luck, so I indicated my understanding and took my leave of him. 

A few weeks later, I noticed a teenager at a bus stop doing that revolting thing where you spit on the ground, then spit again — and again — seeing how big a puddle you can make. Once the bus had arrived and he’d left, I went over to inspect his spit puddle — which, I had to admit, was a pretty impressive size.

When I got there, I was shocked to find that it was unusually thick. And it had what looked like chunks in it — possibly half-digested food.

“Oh man,” I said to myself. “That bloke just spoofed everywhere!”

The next time I ran into the bully, I told him what I’d seen. He beat the shit out of me.

Please note: if you’re going to spend the entire journey fondling and kissing your girlfriend, do not wear a short, fitted T-shirt — no amount of stretching or tugging at the bottom of it will hide your stiffy as you limp off the bus.