They can’t win elections, they’re barely functioning, and now comes the news that no-one in the party can even destablise an already shaky leadership properly.

The blog can be read here, and the men behind it can be contacted here.

What’s interesting is that the blog appears to have been leaked to that site from the inside, because the “edit widget” buttons are still there.

Nice work. You can’t even leak properly.

After three weeks of boring-as-batshit election campaigning, pundits across Victoria are almost unanimously calling the election in favour of Steve Bracks and the ALP. The only real unknown, they say, is the number of seats that Ted Baillieu will be able to claw back from Labor’s monster majority.

GrodsCorp sees it differently. It is our view that a massive nine days out from the poll Ted Baillieu and the Liberals have snatched the election out of the ALP’s waiting hands. In a stroke of political genius Ted has released the following policy:

Young people would be given $10 taxi vouchers to attend “life coaching” seminars… as part of the Liberal Party’s plans to attract the youth vote.

Under his policy, 17 and 18-year-olds would be given a $10 taxi voucher to encourage them to attend one-day summer seminars on a range of “real-life situations”, such as the dangers of drug taking or trafficking, responsible driving and body piercing.

BAM! WHACK! KAPOW! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bracksy!

With his finger so clearly on the pulse of yoof Ted Baillieu can almost certainly count on the votes of all 17 and 18-year-olds set to benefit from the policy (especially the 17-year-olds) along with their mums, dads, siblings, aunts, great-grandfathers and former flatmates. That’s an awful lot of votes.

Victorian yoof interviewed by GrodsCorp have expressed nothing but praise for the policy and admiration for Ted Baillieu. “I’ve been considering trafficking drugs for some time,” said one yoof, “but had a suspicion that if I went to a seminar about the dangers of doing so I might change my mind. The problem for me, however, is that I have no decent public transport anywhere near my house and I wouldn’t be able to get to the lecture anyway. A taxi voucher to attend one of these seminars will ensure I won’t spend the rest of my life in a Bali jail. It would’ve been cool to meet Schapelle though. She’s got sick norks.”

“I would love to go to a seminar about body piercing,” said another yoof, “and the $10 taxi voucher will just about get me from my house to around the corner outside the maccas. From there I don’t mind at all chipping in the other $25 needed to get to the seminar.”

It is GrodsCorp’s understanding that ALP strategists have been witnessed crying out in anguish at not thinking of such a brilliant policy first. A senior government insider (who wished to remain anonymous) tells us that the entire membership of the ALP policy committee has tendered its resignation due to their disastrous miscalculation. When history books are written about Victorian politics in the early 21st century this will surely be remembered as a crucial turning point in the State’s history and the beginning of the end for the Victorian Labor Party.

And remember, readers, you heard it at GrodsCorp first.

In the last ten days there’s been so much to blog about but I’ve been locked in a battle between my final university submission due on Tuesday and the new kitten, Napoleon, who is determined to use my keyboard as his personal highway. Let’s do some GrodsNibbles.

1) Lachlan Connor, Independent
We successfully shot six more episodes of LCI: Preston (as Billybob has started to call it) last Saturday, managing to rope in Greeny and a very hesitant mate of J,The’s to fill new roles. J,The’s mate was concerned that he had never acted before and would look a fool. We simply showed him the first six episodes and he felt much better. Because of this uni work the new episodes won’t be edited until next Wednesday (with a massive hangover, I’d wager) so episode seven, due Tuesday, will be delayed a day or two. Tony T. of After Grog Blog will be well pleased with episode seven. Head over and peruse his blog to find out why.

2) Climate change and Howard’s hot air
It’s been interesting to watch the Howard Government desperately scrambling to change their line on global warming over the last couple of weeks. Times like these are a reminder that maybe John Howard’s not such the smooth political operator he’s often painted to be, caught once again in a half-snooze somewhere between public opinion, his personal, outdated ideology, and secret dreams of quiet afternoons at the retirement home in front of the telly with a blankey and a warm malted milk. Unfortunately, I despair that the overwhelming majority of Australians who say they are in favour of moving to renewable energy sources will have a sudden change of heart when threatened with higher energy prices.

3) Victoria Decides ‘07
God, I hate it when the media calls elections “[insert region] Decides ‘[insert year]”. Anyway, the Victorian election is shaping up to be an absolute fizzer in the lower house with the only real question being what minor change will be made to Bracksy’s majority. Ted Baillieu is about as interesting and engaging as… well… something that is really, really uninteresting and unengaging. There was a brilliant story, I think in the paper the other day, where Ted jumped on a train to get to a policy announcement and apologised to some passengers for the media intrusion. A lady said to him, “That’s okay, we’re just trying to figure out who you are.”

Priceless.

The upper house will be interesting to watch with a wide open race for the minor parties and control. I fiercely desire any outcome except for anything to do with Family First. If Steve Fielding’s band of sneaky, duplicitous morons take balance of power I’m moving to Adelaide. At least I can vote for Kate Ellis there.

I love elections and usually get nerdlingerly excited about them but this one mostly makes me want to go back to writing my honours for the 12th hour in a row.

4) $90 million for school chaplains
Attention: Kim Beazley. Your job is to provide voters with an alternative to the government. There is so much wrong with this policy that I thought even a bumbling fool such as yourself couldn’t screw it up. At least you could’ve waited a couple of minutes after Howard announced it to give it your unconditional support. Extra big Christmas card from John and Janette this year, Kimbo.