Tony Abbot is da bomb.

TONY ABBOTT: First about this latest announcement by the Government. The first point I’d make is that it’s not really all that new…

JOURNALIST: Will you support it in the Senate?

ABBOTT: Well we want to see the detail… and I challenge the Government to come up with the detail because, to me, this announcement smacks of policy on the run.

JOURNALIST: Well, how is it policy on the run when it’s a re-announcement?

ABBOTT: Well…

JOURNALIST: It’s not much running there, I mean they’ve done it before, they’ve said it for the last…

ABBOTT: It’s window dressing on window dressing.

Mad Monk: pwned

Brendan “The Forehead” Nelson on 2 December last year.

“I do not support a formal apology by our generation on behalf of what was done with the best of intentions in most but not all cases by earlier generations.”

Nelson last week.

Whatever the attitude of Australians towards this generation apologising for things done by earlier generations, you really have got to ask yourself is this the highest priority for the Australian Parliament?

Of course, those “higher priorities” are petrol prices and grocery bills. Nation-changing stuff indeed.

Oh, but here’s Nelson today.

Dr Nelson, who previously said he opposed an apology, today said the coalition believed it was “morally and practically important” it be delivered.

* Whoosh! *

Hear that? It’s the sound of Brendan Nelson’s last shred of credibility bolting out the back door. Here’s Nelson trying to convince it to stay.

But Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson… indicated the coalition reserved the right to vote against [the apology] if the precise wording proved unacceptable.

Don’t get me wrong — I love watching the Liberal Party self-destruct, but this shit is serious and the sight of The Forehead getting all Howard on the wording in order to make himself look like a “leader” makes me a bit grumpy. But just like I do whenever I feel a bit down I read something that Tony Abbott has said and laugh my troubles away.

Precisely what we are apologising for and the terms and the scope of the apology, that is still far from clear.

Wanker.

In this episode The Editor, John Surname, Prophet, Ant Rogenous and Craig discuss the following:

* “Sorry”
* Kevin Rudd
* Brendan Nelson
* Tony Abbott
* F1 Grand Prix
* Alexander Downer
* Calamari
* USA primaries
* John Roskam
* Celebrity trash
* Tim Blair
* Andrew Bolt
* Dick Smith
* David Hicks

 GrodsCast RSS feed ** Please note that this feed has changed since the last episode. Apologies for inconvenience — I promise it won’t happen again. **

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

Second affirmative: Magic Bellybutton

I’d like to thank John for letting everyone know that I was right.

What, you didn’t catch it? Go back and reread what he wrote.

Did you see it?

Yes Virginia, he said I used a “fake” hypothetical.

Given that a hypothetical is by its very nature based on an untruth, by saying mine was fake he was actually saying it was a fake fake, that is, true. Thank you, John. Much appreciated.

Now funnily enough, I got an email on Friday from a most unexpected correspondent. They asked that I pass a message on to you. Given who it was, I couldn’t bring myself to say no (click for larger, more readable image):

Now, anyone who says you cannot do things because of something that is written in the Bible is a dickhead of the highest order. (That’s right, I swear. Those of you who are shocked really need to move with the times. Geez.) Furthermore, when it is a politician (why I created them I do not know. They are sooooo skeezy. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes.) When it is a politician who is telling you what you can and cannot do and they are using my novel as the basis for their fascist dictates, they are really crossing the line. Pete (St Peter) is under strict instructions not to let them into Heaven – we don’t need their kind here. Seriously. They’re a Downer. (Heh heh. See what I did there?)

Anyway, religion and politics do not belong together. It was never intended that way. Religion is really just a way for those lacking imagination and intelligence to deal with day-to-day life. I notice that John speaks (in My Name no less!) of Tony Abbott. Man, that guy really gives me the shits. How dare he tell women what they can do with their bodies! And governments have no right to say you cannot marry the person you love. My Me!

Religion is not the moral yardstick of the populace. There are some obvious things that you just don’t do (if I have to spell them out, then we need to talk) and I generally find most people are moral by nature. It is instinctive to do the right thing and not harm others. As you were growing out of the primordial ooze billions of years ago, I made a deal with Mother (Nature) that you would develop what is now called a conscience. Your own personal morals are what should guide you in most cases, and politicians have no right to dictate to you what your morals should be. As long as you are not harming anyone or anything, I don’t really have a problem with it.

Politicians need to stick to what they allegedly know best – how to run the country, making sure that ALL people are looked after, regardless of race, religion, bank balance, gender or sexuality.

In addition, I do not tell people to go to war. War is the very last resort. Like when that horrid Adolf started persecuting Jews and saying they were “dirty”. (Now there’s a man who knew what dirty was. You should have seen the stuff he and Eva got up to in that bunker!) His behaviour towards the Jews was completely immoral and people were right to ensure that his evil did not spread further. I’m still trying to clean up the mess he made. And he was a politician.

Don’t mix your politics and religion. I don’t want to come back down there.

(Oh, and I would NEVER talk to that moron George W Bush. What a tool. Mo’ – Mohammed - hates him too. Keeps bugging me to smite his arse. But I’m trying to cut down on the smiting. Gives me indigestion.)

She went on a bit more but it’s not really relevant here. I’ll post the rest of Her email on my blog this weekend. She really is quite entertaining! (How did I know it was Her? She knew things I’ve never told a soul.)

I’ve managed to make it nearly 32 years without acting immorally. And I don’t even try that hard to be moral. It comes naturally. I’m offended that politicians would make laws based on a religion that I find irrelevant. They trust us to vote them in, they should trust us to behave in the best interests of not just ourselves, but others.

That politics and religion should be separated
(Read the whole debate)

First negative: John Surname

“And God said, let there be light! And Lo, there was. The Lord was very pleased with this new invention, because now he could get a suntan. But he wasn’t finished yet. He knew he would have to find something to fuck up his creation. It was too perfect for the humans he was yet to create. The Lord stood to his full height and thundered “LET THERE BE POLITICIANS!”

Good morning distinguished guests, bloggers and assorted riff-raff. I am John Surname and for the next 600 words I’d like to present the negative side of this debate.

You see, what Magic Bellybutton knows and essentially ignored is that God is the original politician. He is the ultimate politician. You can protest. You can demand a recount. You can even vote for the Greens, but He has declared himself President-For-Life and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it. Just like John Howard, God believes in the illusion of choice. We can vote Labor, and we can vote Liberal, we can even vote for God’s favourite party, Family First but it doesn’t make any difference as He is still calling the shots as leaders from all parties are too pathetic and lowly to reject Him.

God not only believes in capital punishment, He invented it. If you tried to pull any shit in His time he would smite you with a thunderbolt from the sky. God also invented Homophobia, and hasn’t that one lasted? In fact, many of our laws today derive from His parchment, The Best Little Whorehouse in Sodom (later renamed the Bible).

My esteemed opponent chose to imagine what life would be like if politics were controlled by a fake religion. That is rubbish. Scientology will never be in control as He wouldn’t allow it. Instead of making up fake hypotheticals, let’s see what good religion has done in politics:

1. Tony Abbott.
Tony Abbott is not only one of Australia’s finest politicians, he is one of Australia’s finest men. His loyal devotion to the Lord, and opposition to RU486 (known by God as Satan’s Pill) has earned him a special place in Heaven. The Lord believes that we should all strive to be more like Tony Abbott, and less like 50 Cent.

2. The Crusades.
Although the Crusades weren’t always successful, the Lord thought they were awesome and absolutely supported their aims. Even though they never took back the Holy Lands, the Crusaders got the last laugh as they are in Heaven, and the Muslims, like all Muslims, are burning in Hell.

3. The Iraq War
The Iraq War was an excellent piece of foreign policy that tops the achievements of the glorious Bush Administration. Bush has been reported as saying that God told him to do it. My source tells me this is entirely true.

4. Family First.
The Lord thinks Family First are, quote, “Lyk totally genius man!”. His favourite part is the clever way they hide their religious beliefs under the banner of “families”. God thinks this is hilarious because He doesn’t give a shit about families, Hell, he even allowed his own son to die. The truth of the matter is, Family First are a prank played on us by Steve Fielding (in consultation with God). I mean, how to do you think Steve Fielding wound up in the Senate? You can’t tell me there wasn’t more than a little divine intervention there!

In concluding, it frankly doesn’t matter what you do or who you vote for, as the moral standards He set down thousands of years ago still govern our lives today. He is President-For-Life and will remain so until the Sun swallows the Earth is a spectacular lightshow that we will all miss, but he will enjoy quite thoroughly.

GrodsCorp hereby formally endorses the election of the coalition leadership dream team of Tony “Mad Monk” Abbott and Barnaby “Maverick” Joyce. May they screw their parties beyond repair.

La Tigre

Blue Steel

They’re replaying edited highlights (or lowlights, as the case may be) of the Liberal campaign launch on ABC. Here are my thoughts…

* JHo: “My fellow Australians.” Spew.
* JHo: “This election is about the future… despite how great the past is.” It always comes back to the past doesn’t it, John?
* Costello: “Economic storm clouds on the horizon that will increase inflation, interest rates and unemployment. But we will decrease inflation, interest rates and unemployment.”
* JHo: “Family is the cornerstone of society.” And that’s why you’re force-feeding middle class welfare pork down families’ throats, despite Australia “no longer being a welfare state.”
* Vaile: Sorry, missed that. Went to sleep.
* Abbot: Is doing his interview in the rain holding an umbrella that has stars and moons all over it. Bwah hah hah!
* JHo: “We will give you nine billion bucks to bribe you to vote for us. Um, actually, what I mean is education, child care, Great Australian Dream and other stuff like that. Family, family, family.”
* Howard, never one to attract the term “charismatic”, is actually looking (if it’s possible) less charismatic than normal. He looks about as inspiring as the flotation ball inside my toilet cistern.
* JHo: “New homeowners shouldn’t pay for infrastructure that benefits them and the wider community.” So you’ll make those homeowners pay through their tax payments instead, John? This is appalling policy.
* Julie Bishop is on the telly telling me that parents have the right to choose the quality of their kids’ schools. And what sort of choice do parents have when state schools are desperately underfunded, Julie?
* JHo to the rescue — he’s going to make independent school fees tax deductible. Problem fixed then.
* JHo: “Fees and levies that have crept into the public school system.” Why do you think public schools have to charge those fees and levies, you great, fucking cockhead of a man?
* JHo: “Indigenous intervention has brought to an end 20-30 years of problems.” I think it’s been going on longer than that, John. Also, you had ten-and-a-half years to fix it before that — why didn’t you?
* JHo: “To continue to decide who comes to this nation.” Anyone but those dirty, fightin’ Sudanese if Kevin Andrews has anything to do with
* Downer: “If the terrorists win there will terrible consequences.” Dickhead.
* JHo: “Tough on drugs.” Ruddock just appeared on screen to back up Howard’s words. He looks as ghoulish as ever.
* Kevin Andrews: “We must protect our way of life.” Your way of life is nothing like mine, Kev, so stop trying to impose yours upon me via Parliament. Get your rosaries off my ov… um, testicolies.
* JHo: “UNIONS! UNIONS! UNIONS! COAST-TO-COAST LABOR! BOO!”
* The closing music sounds like the elevator muzak you hear over the top of 1980s telemovies on Channel Seven at midday.

Watching that made me feel genuinely sick. The sun will shine on Australia if the coalition is no longer in charge on 25 November.

Tony Abbott has been given a hard time because he slandered a dying man, didn’t show up to a debate on time, and then told his opponent that her, very understandable, views were “bullshit”. If you thought it couldn’t get any worse, he had to go on Lateline where he became a punchline for Julia Gillard.

In my weaker moments I almost pity him.

But then I look at this picture and think “Naaaaaaaah”.

He outta there.

The results are in:

And so it’s my honour to present this image…

… to be viewed in conjunction with this song.

Alright, then. Kruddy’s turn.

7:27pm – 21 with early cloud in Melbourne tomorrow. Ian Henderson wearing his trademark hideous hypercolour tie.

7:29pm – Jim Middleton wearing a tie made from carpet.

7:31pm – Krudd’s tie is very blue and reflective. Kate Ellis looking over Krudd’s shoulder and looking saucy as always.

7:32pm – Krudd attacks Howard’s eyesight: “lack of long-term vision.”

7:33pm – BAM! Kruddy hits his main themes straight away: globalisation, technology and climate change.

7:35pm – The “fair go”. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

7:37pm – Labor reckons it has found $3 billion in savings. Howard’s eyebrow trimming? Pete’s tanning lounge? Tony’s rosaries?

7:38pm – Some goon on the government side of the house just yelled out “there’s no mining boom.”

7:40pm – Airline analogy is killing me.

7:41pm – EDUCATION REVOLUTION!!!!!!!!

7:43pm – No difference between a uni degree and a trade certificate. Did you get that, swinging voters? Not elitist.

7:44pm – Lots of trade workshops for all secondary schools. Not bad.

7:47pm – Whoah! Kruddy went pretty close to Latham’s “learning or earning” there.

7:48pm – Broadband will “turbo charge” growth. Gnarly.

7:49pm – Has anybody else noticed that Kruddy comes across as significantly more economically dry than Petey Costello?

7:51pm – Tahsands lfffff fndk slsdklkfdslfksd jjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjj ggggggggggggg hghghghgh gggggggggggggggg

7:53pm – Sorry. Just nodded off there for a moment.

7:55pm – Asia literate Australians. This is GOOD. Bloody good work, Kruddy.

7:58pm – Fixing Australia’s leaky pipes. Putting a bucket under Australia’s shower head. “Plugging the leaks.”

8:00pm – Wide shot reveals that Julie Bishop has opted for a more sensible grey suit tonight.

8:01pm – “The fair go out the back door.” Say that one more time, Kruddy, and I’ll vote for the Citizens’ Electoral Council.

8:02pm – Standing ovation because Kruddy’s not Kim Beazley.

8:03pm – Inspector Rex on SBS.

I was delighted by Bill Heffernan’s comments last week on Julia Gillard. It was refreshing to hear a politician refusing to veil his deep-seated misogyny and archaic views with words like “family values”, “Christian ethics” and “decency”. More please. Say it like you see it, you old dinosaur.

I couldn’t agree more with Catherine Deveney’s comments about the need for more honesty in politics. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if politicians, and all those in public life, spoke their true mind rather than disguising true thoughts with weasel language?

Steve Fielding would justify every opinion by referring to the bible rather than the bullshit concept of “family.” Tony Abbott would do the same.

Julia Gillard would say that proposed Labor changes to WorkNoChoices are in response to union demands rather than pretending they’re not.

Steve Bracks would admit that he’s unwilling to tackle problem gambling in Victoria because his government is utterly reliant on the revenue rather than mumbling incoherently and ignoring the topic completely.

All politicians should look to those patriots at A Western Heart who lead the way in honesty. It’s just a simple tale of bitch meets pig:

Last night A Current Affair had the story of a stupid bitch who married a muslim pig, had a child with him, and then watched as said muslim pig kidnapped her daughter and stole her away.

Of course that begs the question of what the fuck is wrong with you women? Why the fuck are you still marrying these muslim savages and then wondering why they ‘change’ on you. Here’s a hint, you stupid molls – THEY DON”T CHANGE! That is how they really are and you are either too fucking blind to see through their bullshit act or you are too fucking stupid to understand what islam really is.

I propose legislation that any non-muslim woman converting and/or marrying a muslim should be stripped of her citizenship and deported to a muslim shithole of her owner’s…sorry…. her husband’s choice. That way there is no need to steal any children because they are already there.

Now that’s telling it like it is.

There is much to be condemned about Tony Abbott’s conflict of interest between his religion and his job, just as there is much to be condemned about the government’s blatant bias in excluding pro-choice organisations from its pregnancy counselling service’s advisory council. But one thing you can’t accuse the government of being is backward in declaring its bias. GrodsCorp can exclusively reveal the design of government advertisements for the anti-abortion pregnancy counselling service and it shows that women who contact the service will be under no illusions as to the nature of the advice they are likely to receive:

If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me to choose one Liberal politician with which to have a boozy session at the pub I would choose Amanda Vanstone.

Let me explain.

Like many Liberal politicians I strongly dislike much of her personal politics and the policies she supports, but there’s something about her personality that I respect.

Let’s look at it this way: even if Philip Ruddock, Kevin Andrews, Tony Abbott, John Howard and Peter Costello had identical political opinions to my own I wouldn’t go out of my way to have a beer with them because I think they’re soulless, slimy bastards. I’ve never fallen asleep in a pub before (well, maybe just once but it was 4.30am — long story) but I reckon John Howard would have me snoring before I finished my first pot of draught.

However, the glimpses of Amanda’s non-political persona over the years have revealed that she’s got a wicked sense of humour, doesn’t mind a good session over a few bottles of wine (eg. one extraordinarily boozy lunch/ dinner with a Bulletin journalist, if memory serves me correctly), and she’s not afraid to speak her mind, often coming out with some absolutely brilliant one-liners. Who can forget the “sandwich and a milkshake” jibe at her own government’s tax cuts, or the “let me put my dancing shoes on” remarks after Christopher Skase’s death.

I get upset at how callous and heartless she is when defending current Australian immigration policy, and think she showed a frightening lack of remorse over cases such as Cornelia Rau, but on the flip side she continues to support an Australian republic and this week has been arguing that Australia should legalise voluntary euthanasia. You gotta respect that.

Which Liberal politician would you have a piss-up with and why?