WangPants - GrodsCorp

The bike path to enlightenment

Posted by Ant Rogenous on Tuesday 22 January 2008, 1:49 am
Categories: Bike riding, Freaks, Society Tags: Tags: CyclingEtiquette, hygiene, RecumbentBikes, WangPants

Thousands of people cycle to and from work every day, but few realise just how many scandalous faux pas they make along the way.

Here are some tips to help you avoid potential embarrassment.
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HYGIENE
I'm clean, nurse, I swear. Some cyclists figure that, since they’re going to sweat like John Farnham on the way to work and take a shower once they arrive, there’s no need to bathe before they get going. They couldn’t be more wrong.

Sweat that runs down the body’s nastier crevices smells infinitely more fetid when said crevices are unwashed.

The result of forgoing the pre-ride wash is that within 10 minutes on the road, you will smell like a mixed grill of armpits and arseholes. And bike paths are crowded places where morning breezes carry the news of your disgrace far and wide.

Some might argue that showering twice a morning is a misuse of water, a precious and increasingly scarce resource; others are just filthy bastards who wouldn’t know cleanliness if it assaulted them with a bar of Solvol.

Whichever category you fall into is irrelevant. If you are unwilling to change your foul ways, follow this golden rule: do not, under any circumstances, overtake another rider. Ever.
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APPAREL
Well, hello there... I didn't see you come in. The law of cycling apparel is best expressed by the following formula:

If T ≥ D then C = W

C — cyclist
T —time it takes to change into your wang pants, click shoes, Thriller gloves and fitted shirt festooned with advertising no one is sponsoring you to wear. Worse still, you probably paid for the privilege of giving [insert brands here] some exposure to which they had no right. Saw you coming, didn’t they?
D — time it takes to get to work.
W — wanker