A middle-aged bloke in front of me at the café this morning asked, in the rudest possible fashion, for a piece of toast spread with Vegemite, butter and marmalade.

“In … that … order … please,” he barked at the poor kid behind the counter, who cowered and shuffled off to assemble the bastard’s breakfast with the terrified caution of a Parkinson’s sufferer playing KerPlunk with blasting caps and lit tealights.

A couple of points:

1) Leaving aside the fact that anyone who buys toast from a café is a chump, anyone who is particular to the point of discourtesy about the application of condiments to said toast should bloody well make it himself before he leaves for work.

2) Either this man has a palate so inconceivably discerning that it can distinguish yeast, salt, animal fat, fruit peel and sugar by the sequence in which they were placed on the bread, despite all of the ingredients having entered his mouth at precisely the same time; or he’s just a garden-variety wanker who gets some perverse thrill out of making life difficult for people.

Oh, and Vegemite, butter and marmalade on toast? Eat shit, Hollywood.

#2 Guys who undo their belts and drop their pants to piss at the urinal

You know the type. They’re usually wearing pink Industrie polos with the collar up. Guys who are so insecure about their manhood that they undo their belt and drop their pants to the base of their hips to piss at the urinal in order to give the impression of a package of above-average size. I’ve got a penis of average proportions (the Cosmo sealed section says so) and it fits comfortably through my jeans fly with room to spare; so why do these other idiots need to undo their belt and drop their strides?

It’s because they want to give the impression that they have “schlongs” as opposed to “dicks”. Men who don’t care about the size of their penis have dicks, men who base their entire self-image on the size of their penis have schlongs. Schlongs are no larger than dicks, but schlong owners try desperately to make other people believe that this is the case.

The only difference between schlongs and dicks is that schlongs are used more frequently in the act of masturbation.

The Evolution of Dance guy has become YouTube’s most watched video with over 33 million views. It’s a cool video, but dance dude Judson Laipply is much more than a funny dancer, he’s an inspirational comedian. “What’s an inspirational comedian?” I hear you ask. In the words of Judson:

Imagine blending Robin Williams with Anthony Robbins or that really funny person you know with that teacher who taught you so much about life. That is what “Inspirational Comedy” is. It is the thought that someone can be so funny that you might catch them on Comedy Central, Letterman, or the Tonight Show, but also wise enough to give you pause for thought and open your eyes to the world around you.

Oh right, then. So where did you get your inspiration?

Inspiration comes in many forms. I have found that to try and finger any type of inspiration one way or the other would be foolish. I have had many teachers over the years both in the physical form and in other forms. I have learned lessons through my own experience and I have learned lessons from watching others. I have read, conversed, listened, laughed, observed, gathered, and much more.

You’re obviously very wise, Judson. So what’s the message of your dance video?

I had already begun to explore the understanding that life is change. I felt that this was a first step to creating the life you want by understanding the simple idea that life is change. So I wanted to do something to make sure that message stuck in the minds of my audience. I milled this over in my head for about 6-9 months when I was finally hit with the idea of how much dancing had changed. I began to think about how funny it would be to visually see all of the dances and thus the idea was born. I quickly wrote down the first several that came to mind, 12 to be exact - and listed them out. I still have that piece of paper to this day.

Life is change, hey? Cosmic. But it’s clear that you’re not a one hit wonder, Jud, so can you tell us about your next project?

I am working on another dance - “The Evolution of Dance Revisited” and will have that ready in a few months.

Wanker.