I was sitting on the train late last Thursday night heading home after a GroupthinkFC match, nursing my bruised pride, when a group of young funky boys hopped on obviously headed for the CBD’s bars. There were many vodka alcopops being consumed and far too much underpants-over-trouser hem action for my liking. But the following snippet of their boisterous conversation lifted my spirits no end.

Cool Dude 1: There are four steps to the ultimate house party.

Cool Dudes 2-4: What are they?

Cool Dude 1: One: no parents. Two: every room in the house open. Three: lots of grog. Four: totally open to anyone with no exceptions.

Cool Dudes 2-4: Yep. Cool!

Cool Dude 1: That was the problem with your (points to Cool Dude 2) party last weekend. There were some rooms closed in the house.

Cool dude 2: (Looking ashamed) Yeah.

No parents, lots of booze, and lots of people. This little genius has obviously thought long and hard about the perfect party. But he continued.

Cool Dude 1: And when it comes to open invites Josh and Ben are a total dichotomy.

Hang on, I thought to myself. Did this pimply little ne’er-do-well just use the word “dichotomy”? Maybe he’s not as dumb as he looks.

Cool Dude 1: Actually, Josh, Ben and Tony are a total dichotomy.

Yes he is.

After three weeks of boring-as-batshit election campaigning, pundits across Victoria are almost unanimously calling the election in favour of Steve Bracks and the ALP. The only real unknown, they say, is the number of seats that Ted Baillieu will be able to claw back from Labor’s monster majority.

GrodsCorp sees it differently. It is our view that a massive nine days out from the poll Ted Baillieu and the Liberals have snatched the election out of the ALP’s waiting hands. In a stroke of political genius Ted has released the following policy:

Young people would be given $10 taxi vouchers to attend “life coaching” seminars… as part of the Liberal Party’s plans to attract the youth vote.

Under his policy, 17 and 18-year-olds would be given a $10 taxi voucher to encourage them to attend one-day summer seminars on a range of “real-life situations”, such as the dangers of drug taking or trafficking, responsible driving and body piercing.

BAM! WHACK! KAPOW! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bracksy!

With his finger so clearly on the pulse of yoof Ted Baillieu can almost certainly count on the votes of all 17 and 18-year-olds set to benefit from the policy (especially the 17-year-olds) along with their mums, dads, siblings, aunts, great-grandfathers and former flatmates. That’s an awful lot of votes.

Victorian yoof interviewed by GrodsCorp have expressed nothing but praise for the policy and admiration for Ted Baillieu. “I’ve been considering trafficking drugs for some time,” said one yoof, “but had a suspicion that if I went to a seminar about the dangers of doing so I might change my mind. The problem for me, however, is that I have no decent public transport anywhere near my house and I wouldn’t be able to get to the lecture anyway. A taxi voucher to attend one of these seminars will ensure I won’t spend the rest of my life in a Bali jail. It would’ve been cool to meet Schapelle though. She’s got sick norks.”

“I would love to go to a seminar about body piercing,” said another yoof, “and the $10 taxi voucher will just about get me from my house to around the corner outside the maccas. From there I don’t mind at all chipping in the other $25 needed to get to the seminar.”

It is GrodsCorp’s understanding that ALP strategists have been witnessed crying out in anguish at not thinking of such a brilliant policy first. A senior government insider (who wished to remain anonymous) tells us that the entire membership of the ALP policy committee has tendered its resignation due to their disastrous miscalculation. When history books are written about Victorian politics in the early 21st century this will surely be remembered as a crucial turning point in the State’s history and the beginning of the end for the Victorian Labor Party.

And remember, readers, you heard it at GrodsCorp first.