It’s been quite a few days since Bren-doc Nelson updated his Magical Mystery Tour diary. This afternoon he not only added the Tasmania section but he posted a YouTube video of him summing up the first week of his tour in glorious monotone monologue.

It’s kind of like a greatest hits monologue with Dr Nelson pulling out all of his favourite anecdotes — you know, the ones he’s been boring us with at every opportunity for the last week: helping the woman put petrol in her car and bagging groceries at a supermarket.

But let’s not dwell on the past when there’s so much comedy gold in Nelson’s latest release.

The carers roundtable was one of the highlights of the visit to Launceston. All expressed their great relief that Kevin Rudd had caved in to the Opposition’s pressure to deliver the lump sum carers’ payment this year and for the next four years.

Dr Brendan has got only one sorta positive from his time in leadership to keep referring to and it’s the tenuous claim that he forced Rudd to maintain the carers’ pork barrel lump sum payment. It’s getting really tiresome hearing Nelson crap on and on about it.

Starting the day on the side of the Tamar River and to see the amount of silt that’s built up is quite disturbing. The Government needs to provide the additional $200,000 for the saltation study and I’m at a loss to understand why Jodie Campbell, the Labor member, will not campaign for the necessary funds. So too the flood levies need serious refurbishment and restoration and the Federal Government must provide written confirmation that its $13 million contribution will be given this year.

Isn’t it weird that these geological processes commenced only after November last year and have reached crisis point in a mere five months? I’m at a loss to understand why Nelson’s own party did not commit the necessary funds in eleven long years.

It was also uplifting to visit St Finn Barr’s School where the students are absolutely magnificent in the way they are presented and the questions the year sixes asked me were tougher than at any press conference.

Nelson, of course, is extraordinarily capable of fending off even the toughest questions so a room full of grade six students is nothing.

The school provides a first rate Catholic education…

Unlike those values-neutral heathens in the evil, lefty public system.

…and is the school where I began my own education in grade one to grade four at its then outreach school Our Lady of Christians.

How proud they must be to have spawned the most useless opposition leader since, well… um…

The meeting with the chief executive of the Launceston General Hospital provided further emphasis to the need to restructure hospital services and especially reduce the load on the hospital from inadequate use of GP services in northern Tasmania.

Do you mean restructuring hospital services by propping up inefficient hospitals against the advice of everyone in order to win a couple of votes at an election?

A stroll through the Mews Shopping centre…

Where shoppers ran screaming in fear of being “helped” for a photo opportunity.

…at King’s Meadows down the road from where my grandfather lived, was a reminder of just how difficult a lot of Australians are finding the current climate. Trying to buy groceries while putting petrol in the car and facing increased interest rates was a struggle freely admitted to me by many shoppers.

Whoa! We need a drinking game where you drink if Nelson says “petrol”, “groceries” or “interest rates”. If he says all three in the same sentence just like he did then you have to skol a bottle of vodka.

It’s absolutely essential that Mr Rudd and Mr Swan get the economy right.

I’m sure they’re thankful for the advice, Bren-doc. There they were thinking to themselves “we must get the economy wrong.”

Sad leaders of sad parties with sad electoral prospects do sad things. And the saddest thing of all is to embark on a “listening tour”, but today Brendan Nelson did just that. However, before leaving he made us listen to this terrible video. (If the Liberal Party must do one thing it’s to hire a camera operator with an understanding of framing and shot composition.)

For those with a YouTube problem at work here’s a transcript of the video.

G’day! It’s Brendan Nelson here.

He had to say that because most Australians still don’t know who he is.

As a doctor I’ve spent a lot of my life listening to, and caring for, people…

He just has to get an “I’m a doctor” reference into every speech he makes, doesn’t he?

…and now I’m privileged to be the leader of the alternative government of Australia.

Liar.

I’m in the process of going through Australia on a listening tour and that means I want to hear what you’ve got to say.

No you don’t.

What’s on your mind…

Sex.

…what worries you…

People with excessively large foreheads.

…what you think ought to happen in Australia…

Anything but the re-election of the Liberal Party.

…from Bunbury to Bathurst, from Tassie to the Northern Territory…

Somebody’s been watching too many Telstra ads.

…I’ll be in and out of servos…

Buying petrol.

…shopping centres…

Buying food.

…farming communities…

Asking for directions.

…everyday Australians’ barbies, morning teas, you name it…

I’ll tell you something for free, Brendon: you won’t be dropping into any of my barbecues or morning teas.

…and if you’ve got something on your mind tell me what it is.

Fleshlights.

Also I’ve got a great team of people…

Liar.

…frontbenchers, backbenchers, people representing the Liberal and National parties right across Australia.

But you said “great.”

I look forward to seeing you and if you see me sing out and say “g’day.”

I’ll certainly sing out and say something, Brendan, but it won’t be “g’day.”

Poor widdle Brendan Nelson had a whinge this week about not having the money to produce good looking video advertisements like evil Kevin.

…unlike Kevin Rudd I don’t have a truck load of money to go and make ads to say, you know, my name’s Brendan, I’m here from Sydney, I’m, you know, here to help you and that sort of business.

And as this amateur-hour piece whipped up by the work experience kid clearly shows, he wasn’t lying.

Zzzzzzzzzz.

GrodsReader Chel has emailed us a photo of her work colleague showing how much of a Let’s Cook! With Craig fan she is by holding up a signature Craig ingredient and a Craig catchphrase.

“There’s a couple of bucks right there in my pocket”

Apparently Craig is a bit of a hit in Chel’s office due to his mad cooking skillz and his too-hot looks. But it’s not just Chel’s workmates — we reported last week that Craig had become a bit of a gay icon and the compliments have just kept on flowing.

Nice eyes.
– chickles4022

Good God…! you call that cooking..? I wanna eat the chef instead..! yum yum yum..!
– bayut71

I noticed that the hits for Let’s Cook! With Craig Ep.2 were going a bit crazy but I had no idea why. Thankfully Mikey’s paying attention because it flew directly under the GrodsRadar.

Is that the second time it’s happened? Love the backing music. Does it imply Craig both delivers pizzas and cleans pools professionally?

To answer Mikey’s questions: It is the second time it’s happened; Craig cooks (microwave) pizzas, not delivers them; and Craig can barely clean himself let alone a large structure.

Let’s Cook! With Craig is, if nothing else, really good at eliciting an amazing range of responses. Episode one really drew the nutters out from underneath their rocks and episode two has divided the opinions of those who view it. These three comments were posted today.

Craig is a spunk!!! Yum, he can cook in my Kitchen anyday.
– TARDISDOWNUNDER

User TARDISDOWNUNDER’s profile reads: “I’m gay and have a parter. I’m living in Wagga in NSW, Australia. I’m a dag and a nerd, love socialising, I’m very open love to be around my friend’s family and partner.”

I mean, you can’t deny that Craig is a very sexy man.

Mmmm, tasty.

And then user BigRedIsGod countered with these comments.

hes a fuckin fag
– BigRedIsGod

the glue that holds you and your dad together

mash potato make the real thing you tight arse
– BigRedIsGod

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Craig.

GrodsCorp’s resident suburban Australian chef and leading podcast contributor, Craig, has shot to stardom following a plug on the front page of YouTube Australia.

Looks like we’d better get off our arses and make a second episode.

The intertubes have lit up in response to the whole Corey Delaney saga. There’s an official website, a video advertising his new party planning services, and then there’s this guy.

YouTube video producer “turtalfishpaul” doesn’t just provide erudite and insightful commentary on current events, he also eats pizza on camera… in reverse.

And sings duets with himself.

The interweb is an amazing place.

Stewart Glass, independent for the Senate in South Australia, uses visual metaphors to hammer home his points about government and liberty.

Episode 39: In which Lachlan, on the eve of the poll, reflects on the final weeks of his campaign for election to the Senate.
Follow the whole series here or subscribe to the RSS feed.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

A few months ago GrodsCorp introduced you to Stuart Ulrich, independent for Charlton, who came to our attention after he wrote a cryptic email to Lachlan Connor.

Hi Lachlan

Stuart Ulrich from the seat of Charlton, I myself will also be running as an independent.

Just something remember the constitution.

At the Parliament House website one can search for the why behind this, using constitutional debates for the search.

As I have found our government and those in Canberra, that’s is all of them are constitutionally inept.

The constitution holds certain powers for federal and those of the states that they had when the constitution was signed is 1900.

Good Luck

Stuart

At the time I asked for readers to assist us in the translation of the above message but Stuart left a comment that, in its attempt to clear up the confusion, only baffled us more.

Hi Lachlan.

To decode this is easy.

The political party i have been working on is about the people.

Federal Government is there to represent the people and states not political parties.

The parties can put forward candidates but once in government are supposed to be independent.
Remember it is the electorate that you should be concerned with.

Some say, well a constitution is old and out of date, but until such times that we have a referendum to change this then the rules are there.
We all know that behind the rules are the reasoning that has created these documents, and this goes for all.

The party TAPP was created to bring together those who wish to stand for the people and still be free to act accordinally.

Now Lachlan if you wish to contact me I am happy but if you cannot ask a question about our constitution then we certainly are in trouble.

With debates outlines how things are supposed to work.

Stuart Ulrich
Independent Candidate for Charlton

So imagine my delight when I found a Lachlan Connor-esque video of Stuart Ulrich on the YouTubes that makes even less sense than Stuart’s writing. Enjoy!

GrodsCorp speaks to Margarita Windisch, lead Senate candidate for the Socialist Alliance in Victoria.

Episode 36: In which Jacob runs into trouble with the law and disappears.
Follow the whole series here or subscribe to the RSS feed.

Rate this episode at YouTube.
Visit Lachlan’s blog.

It’s been staring him smack in the face since Canberra, but Ed has finally correctly interpreted the Silverchair song Straight Lines. Some of you may be amazed to find that it’s not the first song about John Howard.

In 1975, a full 21 years before Howard became Prime Minister, 10cc released a song about him. Of course, skeptics say it’s a coincidence, but how can lyrics like this be a coincidence?

I’ll show you man who walk on fire
And don’t get burned
He don’t get burned
I’ll show you man who tread on glass
And he don’t get cut
He don’t get cut

You can take a knife and slit his throat
And he won’t drop dead
He won’t drop dead
Been a ju-ju boy for a thousand years
And he ain’t cut yet
He ain’t cut yet

The section about voters:

Hold ‘em
You’ve got to crease ‘em and fold ‘em
You’ve got to shape ‘em and mould ‘em
Take a piece of their soul man

Back to Howard:

Well he can take a little moonlight
Suck the poison from a snakebite
Movin’ round about midnight
He’s got the power of life

Take you up when you feeling down
When you’re sick he will come around
Takes his cures from out the ground
He’s the one who can hypnotize
And you’ll never believe your eyes
He can cause the dead to rise

It’s uncanny. And like Ed, I made a video about it. Only I was drunk and it sucked. I won’t sully the page with it again, but you can view it here.

I was listening to Silverchair’s “Straight Lines” the other day and realised that the lyrics were written about John Howard. Don’t believe me? Check it out.